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Aidilfitri is fast approaching- feeling not quite ready for it. On the home front, I am absolutely glad to report that I am cooking practically every day for sahur- and no longer intimidated by the preparation or cooking process. That is one major issue out of the way.

With S unfortunately I still feel shaky and uncertain. I do appreciate his patience, handling the complex person that I am. Maybe I am not easy to love, I don't know. At times I do wonder if I should just be by myself & make his life easier. Now it suffices to say that I am rather terrified at the prospect of "What's next?".

Work-wise I still feel hopelessly unmotivated. The tasks are mind-numbing and I have encountered backlog. Mea Culpa. Completely and utterly my own fault. Trying to push myself to mark 59 assignment scripts without falling asleep after every 2 scripts.

Furthering my studies- how do I go about it? My heart is all for NZ yet I can't seem to make the financials work. Application and admission will be reasonably easy-breezy, and I would have to then figure out how to survive and pay for the children staying in Malaysia. Well if I really want to challenge myself, this is the way to go. Do the hardest most unfathomable thing ever and survive. We will all grow from the experience. Or the slightly easier way to go about it is to finish the DBA here & consider post-doctoral studies far from home.

Taking my dreams into action is much3 easier said than done. I am still paralysed and hesitant in not submitting the forms. Why not? What's the worst thing that could happen? I could fail miserably and lose the children in the process. Playing the high stake game there!

Sometimes perhaps a sacrifice is in order. Step back, give in & let the children grow, finish their studies and after that pursue my own wants & needs. Haven't fully decided yet but would follow what S said. Never change. Be myself. So the decisions have to be because of me, not him. Do you see why I love him now?