Tips for Cheating on Your Wife
Wives, you will probably be angry at me for this post and question my motive, but please do bear with me & read this entry right to the very end.
These pointers were formulated based on actual events/ observations/ interviews and they finally came to fruition after nearly 4 years of personal reflection. Consider this my personal enlightenment piece (if you wish) so here we go!
1) If you can, find someone who lives close to your matrimonial home: not next door neighbour or 2-blocks down type of close, but preferably within 20km radius (if in KL/ PJ, 10km radius is a safer bet due to the traffic situation). This is because the process of picking up & dropping off takes a lot of time, time that you may need to explain/ justify (unless you want to put Grab/ Uber drivers on your permanent payroll). Take her to dinner/ lunch/ breakfast in less conspicuous locations not frequented by your family, colleagues and friends because you probably wouldn't want to explain what you're doing dining together with this 'client' too early on. If you're the type who's a weekend husband or frequently works out of town, this part is considered a done deal (skip to notes 2-13).
2) If covering this 'personal interest' with a hobby (e.g. cycling/ running/ fishing/ hiking etc), please ensure that your alibi is airtight from start to finish and as obsessively detail-oriented as possible from start (when you leave the house/ office) to finish (till you reach home). If the excuse is a rigorous activity, the shirt that you allegedly wore during the activity should be drenched or at least a little wet. If travelling with the other woman, please ensure that you photograph how your wife packed your bag and copy the EXACT packing style (including & especially folding of socks, ties and underwear) before returning home and ensure that she keeps her underwear/ brooches/ feminine looking personal items in her own luggage, not yours.
3) Compartmentalise and prioritise. NEVER in any situation inadvertently blurt out her name or talk about the other lady to your wife/ her friends/ her best friends and NEVER EVER mix up schedules/ events/ people/ names/ meals cooked (or had) in front of the other. You are now orbiting in 2 separate galaxies: your wife's and the other woman's. If you have multiple personalities this should be relatively easy to pull off.
4) Find someone better (I recommend at least 2 times better: in looks, physique, manners, class, achievement, career- everything!) than your wife so she wouldn't feel like she lost to a lesser person who fills a void or an eye candy/ fluff who fulfills your basic instinct (if you know what I mean).
5) Keep jewelry on standby- if you buy something for her please buy something of equal or greater value for your wife. I mean this person is your life companion, gave birth to your children, puts up with your idiosyncrasies and in some cases gave up her own career to let yours flourish- so when I mentioned "value", this is the value that you should measure. Of course your wife will be crazy upset when she finds out about her but will probably (and hopefully) be a tad appeased by your previously valuable & thoughtful gifts.
6) If your (married life) pattern is different from pattern after the affair began, again please make sure you have an alibi. For example, if you are a homebody who is usually home by 6pm (8pm tops), be prepared to answer a lot of probing questions about the change in schedule (cross refer to item 2). There is only so many office dinners or late night meetings or 'teh tarik' sessions you can go to in a week/ month, right?
7) Delete all messages before you get home and answer calls (received while at home with wife and kids) as casually as possible. DO NOT in any case suddenly spring up from your seat and take the call outside or look too terribly pleased/ forlorn/ puppy-dog when receiving her call. Better still please tell her not to call during certain times of day, because you have important board meetings/ high-level security transactions/ creative process that you have to attend to. Switch off your phone at night and ask your family members to call the house or your wife in case of any emergency.
8) Treat your wife like a Queen (or at least the Queen Mother), i.e. 3-4 times better than you ever did throughout your dating & married life: in bed, in purchasing gifts, in conversations. In EVERYTHING. The reason is similar to item 5 (appeasing the disgruntled).
9) "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is completely true and accurate. TOTALLY. Try not to test this at any cost or you will not walk away unscathed.
10) Always prepare for the worst-case-ever scenario to happen and prepare at least 2 (3 is better) plausible reasons/ excuse/ alibi for your actions that does NOT point to your wife's deficiency/ shortcomings that drove you into the arms of another. Also ensure that 1-2 of your closest friends/ bros back you up in chorus, singing the exact same tune (but make it natural, not forced or fake/ disingenuous- so practice, practice, practice they must).
11) Be kinder, gentler, more gracious, more generous, more religious than ever before and mean it. This is your leverage when she is about to leave you because of your indiscretion- at least there'll be a moment of fleeting doubt/ second thoughts before she kicks you out of the house. If asked why the change, one possible reason (unfortunately commonly used) is mid-life crisis but this will not work if you happen to be in your 20s or 30s. If you belong to the younger age group, please answer along the lines of "I have realised my follies as man & would like to turn my life around/ be the best me for you and the children* (if you have children)".
12) Finances/ receipts: do not keep any paper record of any kind. If the receipt relates to a warranty or proof of purchase of some kind, please let the respective parties keep it. So they would know the price of the item- so what- this is a small teensy matter compared to having your head on the chopping block.
13) For good luck this last point is added. You may end up eating more than you should. Context: you already had dinner with the other woman & you wife waits up to have dinner with you. If you are usually a hearty eater, I suggest to eat sparingly with her & more enthusiastically with your wife especially if she had done the cooking. Throw in genuine comments on how good the meal is and how well she has taken care of you all this time, for good measure.
Well ladies, wives in particular, in the end who actually suffers?
The web of lies may constrict and suffocate the weaver.. and I doubt that he sleeps easy at night.. so in a way that is justice enough.
Men as it is, is already terrible at multitasking (Why do you think most men pass complete and total childcare duties to the wife?). So this added responsibility and lying and justifying his actions may just lead to an early death (or some type of breakdown/ flaw) and the irony is: when he suffers a heart attack/ stroke the other woman will be the first to take off, leaving the responsibility to rest upon the wife's shoulders. [This is my angry ending version]
Preferably and fingers crossed they'll never find out about the other, or the husband may end up with one or two or more axe-wielding & very cross women in his path. In some cases where the husband took very good care of the wife the affair may not surface ever & nobody's none the wiser. In some cases it surfaces after his death- this may leave the wife & the other with a lot of unanswered questions so I don't really recommend this, unless the man has explained this carefully and graciously in the will that he left behind (with a fair division of property based on the respective parties' contribution to his life/ success). [This is the slightly angry version, yet struggling to remain neutral].
There has been multiple research on the reasons & effects of infidelity: in some cases it may lead to strengthening the marriage, depending on how the post-affair issues are handled & how much love remains. So if ever one decides to partake in this particular venture, do be aware that it is an act not without consequence. More importantly, whatever happens each party involved must take responsibility for his/ her actions (and the effects thereof). [This is the academic & neutral ending]
Overall, the main point that I want to make is infidelity is a choice. It is not like you wake up on day & suddenly see an attractive person to give an indecent proposal to & your hands are completely tied & your mouth moves on its own free will without any type of control on your part. Sure, you may think that your wife may not be your soulmate (or that you have found in the other woman your missing piece)- whatever. Go back to the beginning. Why did you marry her? Why did your promise before your Creator that you will take care of & cherish her? Why did you build a home with her- give her hopes and dreams? This is a person with life and feelings and wants and needs. Never take her for granted. Or you will realise one day, that who you have let go is probably the best thing you ever had. [This is the poignant & trying-to-be-intellectual-sounding ending]
These pointers were formulated based on actual events/ observations/ interviews and they finally came to fruition after nearly 4 years of personal reflection. Consider this my personal enlightenment piece (if you wish) so here we go!
1) If you can, find someone who lives close to your matrimonial home: not next door neighbour or 2-blocks down type of close, but preferably within 20km radius (if in KL/ PJ, 10km radius is a safer bet due to the traffic situation). This is because the process of picking up & dropping off takes a lot of time, time that you may need to explain/ justify (unless you want to put Grab/ Uber drivers on your permanent payroll). Take her to dinner/ lunch/ breakfast in less conspicuous locations not frequented by your family, colleagues and friends because you probably wouldn't want to explain what you're doing dining together with this 'client' too early on. If you're the type who's a weekend husband or frequently works out of town, this part is considered a done deal (skip to notes 2-13).
2) If covering this 'personal interest' with a hobby (e.g. cycling/ running/ fishing/ hiking etc), please ensure that your alibi is airtight from start to finish and as obsessively detail-oriented as possible from start (when you leave the house/ office) to finish (till you reach home). If the excuse is a rigorous activity, the shirt that you allegedly wore during the activity should be drenched or at least a little wet. If travelling with the other woman, please ensure that you photograph how your wife packed your bag and copy the EXACT packing style (including & especially folding of socks, ties and underwear) before returning home and ensure that she keeps her underwear/ brooches/ feminine looking personal items in her own luggage, not yours.
3) Compartmentalise and prioritise. NEVER in any situation inadvertently blurt out her name or talk about the other lady to your wife/ her friends/ her best friends and NEVER EVER mix up schedules/ events/ people/ names/ meals cooked (or had) in front of the other. You are now orbiting in 2 separate galaxies: your wife's and the other woman's. If you have multiple personalities this should be relatively easy to pull off.
4) Find someone better (I recommend at least 2 times better: in looks, physique, manners, class, achievement, career- everything!) than your wife so she wouldn't feel like she lost to a lesser person who fills a void or an eye candy/ fluff who fulfills your basic instinct (if you know what I mean).
5) Keep jewelry on standby- if you buy something for her please buy something of equal or greater value for your wife. I mean this person is your life companion, gave birth to your children, puts up with your idiosyncrasies and in some cases gave up her own career to let yours flourish- so when I mentioned "value", this is the value that you should measure. Of course your wife will be crazy upset when she finds out about her but will probably (and hopefully) be a tad appeased by your previously valuable & thoughtful gifts.
6) If your (married life) pattern is different from pattern after the affair began, again please make sure you have an alibi. For example, if you are a homebody who is usually home by 6pm (8pm tops), be prepared to answer a lot of probing questions about the change in schedule (cross refer to item 2). There is only so many office dinners or late night meetings or 'teh tarik' sessions you can go to in a week/ month, right?
7) Delete all messages before you get home and answer calls (received while at home with wife and kids) as casually as possible. DO NOT in any case suddenly spring up from your seat and take the call outside or look too terribly pleased/ forlorn/ puppy-dog when receiving her call. Better still please tell her not to call during certain times of day, because you have important board meetings/ high-level security transactions/ creative process that you have to attend to. Switch off your phone at night and ask your family members to call the house or your wife in case of any emergency.
8) Treat your wife like a Queen (or at least the Queen Mother), i.e. 3-4 times better than you ever did throughout your dating & married life: in bed, in purchasing gifts, in conversations. In EVERYTHING. The reason is similar to item 5 (appeasing the disgruntled).
9) "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is completely true and accurate. TOTALLY. Try not to test this at any cost or you will not walk away unscathed.
10) Always prepare for the worst-case-ever scenario to happen and prepare at least 2 (3 is better) plausible reasons/ excuse/ alibi for your actions that does NOT point to your wife's deficiency/ shortcomings that drove you into the arms of another. Also ensure that 1-2 of your closest friends/ bros back you up in chorus, singing the exact same tune (but make it natural, not forced or fake/ disingenuous- so practice, practice, practice they must).
11) Be kinder, gentler, more gracious, more generous, more religious than ever before and mean it. This is your leverage when she is about to leave you because of your indiscretion- at least there'll be a moment of fleeting doubt/ second thoughts before she kicks you out of the house. If asked why the change, one possible reason (unfortunately commonly used) is mid-life crisis but this will not work if you happen to be in your 20s or 30s. If you belong to the younger age group, please answer along the lines of "I have realised my follies as man & would like to turn my life around/ be the best me for you and the children* (if you have children)".
12) Finances/ receipts: do not keep any paper record of any kind. If the receipt relates to a warranty or proof of purchase of some kind, please let the respective parties keep it. So they would know the price of the item- so what- this is a small teensy matter compared to having your head on the chopping block.
13) For good luck this last point is added. You may end up eating more than you should. Context: you already had dinner with the other woman & you wife waits up to have dinner with you. If you are usually a hearty eater, I suggest to eat sparingly with her & more enthusiastically with your wife especially if she had done the cooking. Throw in genuine comments on how good the meal is and how well she has taken care of you all this time, for good measure.
Well ladies, wives in particular, in the end who actually suffers?
The web of lies may constrict and suffocate the weaver.. and I doubt that he sleeps easy at night.. so in a way that is justice enough.
Men as it is, is already terrible at multitasking (Why do you think most men pass complete and total childcare duties to the wife?). So this added responsibility and lying and justifying his actions may just lead to an early death (or some type of breakdown/ flaw) and the irony is: when he suffers a heart attack/ stroke the other woman will be the first to take off, leaving the responsibility to rest upon the wife's shoulders. [This is my angry ending version]
Preferably and fingers crossed they'll never find out about the other, or the husband may end up with one or two or more axe-wielding & very cross women in his path. In some cases where the husband took very good care of the wife the affair may not surface ever & nobody's none the wiser. In some cases it surfaces after his death- this may leave the wife & the other with a lot of unanswered questions so I don't really recommend this, unless the man has explained this carefully and graciously in the will that he left behind (with a fair division of property based on the respective parties' contribution to his life/ success). [This is the slightly angry version, yet struggling to remain neutral].
There has been multiple research on the reasons & effects of infidelity: in some cases it may lead to strengthening the marriage, depending on how the post-affair issues are handled & how much love remains. So if ever one decides to partake in this particular venture, do be aware that it is an act not without consequence. More importantly, whatever happens each party involved must take responsibility for his/ her actions (and the effects thereof). [This is the academic & neutral ending]
Overall, the main point that I want to make is infidelity is a choice. It is not like you wake up on day & suddenly see an attractive person to give an indecent proposal to & your hands are completely tied & your mouth moves on its own free will without any type of control on your part. Sure, you may think that your wife may not be your soulmate (or that you have found in the other woman your missing piece)- whatever. Go back to the beginning. Why did you marry her? Why did your promise before your Creator that you will take care of & cherish her? Why did you build a home with her- give her hopes and dreams? This is a person with life and feelings and wants and needs. Never take her for granted. Or you will realise one day, that who you have let go is probably the best thing you ever had. [This is the poignant & trying-to-be-intellectual-sounding ending]
posted by elya at 8:13 am
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