Adulting

This year I turn 47 and this is a very adult age.

However inside, I still feel really inadequate and wish that sometimes I do not need to have too many responsibilities.

It would be good to be able to retire in a small hut on an island far away from people (in a self-sustaining way).. and I am totally kidding because I will be out of my mind by the second month (if not the third week). Even then, the luxury of being able to go anywhere and stay for as long as I like is a dream, even 'angan-angan" (wishful thinking) if I want to call it that. Because by the time I retire the money to be withdrawn from my provident fund will be just enough to survive in my old age (so bye2 travel) > well I can probably go to Hajj once and thereafter stay in Malaysia to my dying day

UNLESS I can reinvent myself, or find an alternative income source, or hit a jackpot.. I will remain a miserly and a miserable retiree (the word "old" could not come out).

There is still time, yet I live now in my bonus round. My late father died at 46 (my age at this very moment) and I do wonder sometimes how many months/ days/ hours I have left.

However, since I am an adult, these things go to the back of my mind.. something to ponder upon before I sleep (or not). Some days I am busy, some days not so.. but I do neglect my children a lot.. I use the phone too much.

I do pray for good health. Mainly I monitor my food intake, although I could do with more exercise!

I hope my children will forgive me for the botched job I did as a mother

I hope Allah will forgive me too, for all my wrongs and weaknesses and multiple shortcomings, mistakes, faults, stubbornness *and this list goes on