Overthinking

A friend had asked us: why do people divorce?

I would say that there are various possible reasons.

It is not accurate to oversimplify, and we are different people at different ages, so there may be more than one way how a marriage may end in divorce.

One simple reason is "it was not meant to be". Like any relationship, even when you were dating. If the person is not the one for you, it will not happen i.e. marriage is not in your horizon.

Another famous reason, popularised by Americans and Hollywood actors who don't care to elaborate is "irreconcilable differences". 2 short words but speaks volumes. They do not want the same things anymore, so it is for the best that they're going separate ways.

For me, I didn't want to share him (ex-hubby) with others. Some may call me selfish. Well I don't "own" him, he is his own person. However it kills me inside thinking he is with someone else in an intimate way, if he is still married to me. It is just too weird and goes against my core belief. I cannot trust a person who went behind my back & found someone else to love. Yes in Islam he can marry more than one, and I acknowledge it. But I do not have to be in that transaction. He can have all the women he wants, but I will not be one of his collection. Not when he treated me terribly and puts me down and gets crazy jealous YET expects me to give my all. It is just an unfair exchange. I do not want to be at the receiving end of a fresh relationship that is new and exciting. He comes home to me and feels "meh". Count me out, thank you very much. That bothered me. The choice to separate/ divorce  was not easy but necessary, because I don't want to be tortured with unnecessary thoughts. 

If current hubby does that thing, like ex-hubby then I am out too. Not going to be a bystander as this whole thing unfolds. It's a bad vibe, such a negative energy. To be thinking about it. Or not thinking about it, or trying to be cool about it. I just cannot handle this uncertainty. I can easily walk out & have a clean break. Because I don't need nonsense in my life. I will not sacrifice and give myself to a  chauvinistic relationship. I am a person and I am doing my best. Love me and take care of me. If you cannot handle it, I can easily leave. I can take care of myself.

As usual, when I do speak to this friend of ours, I must remember to not make it about me. Like this entry. I must assist him. If it is merely a communication issue, it is best that he works it out with his wife. The sad part is the children, because some wives are unreasonable and may not let him see the children. And the housing and living arrangements. And being comfortable alone, after so many years with family. Well actually as I advise him I may have to advise myself too. To take my best foot forward. One day at a time & soon I will be okay. such is life. We get disappointed, we learn and we move on. Not everything is cut and dry, but for me cut and dry and even absolutes are the easiest way to explain things. I may not understand if he says he loves me and says the same to one or two or three others. It's just too much for me to fathom. 

Yes the heart has the capacity to love a LOT of people, but how I wish that that love may be expressed without hurting others. Having more friends may not hurt existing friends, because you make friends at work, and in social events. And you make time for all of them. Friends don't require as much time as wives or husbands, so the time demand is not constant. And in a ways friends are not invested that much in us, as much as husbands or wives are.

Why would he want someone else: maybe he wants attention? So I have a lot of weaknesses. So does he. So I am stubborn sometimes. Well he knew who I was from the beginning. This is me. He agreed to take me as I am.

I am just too tired to be frank. He can do whatever he wants. If he doesn't explain his situation well when he gets back from Jakarta, I am out of here! If this one ends I will not be married ever again except perhaps if he is an 80 year old billionaire. Or ever. That is the better choice. Life is too short and I do not want to spend it with idiots.