Was I Instrumental?

We are spending our last days together. Make of it anything that you like.

On the 5th of August, we say goodbye. Maybe forever.

He is best as a friend, anything more is too painful.

I cannot take/ fathom all the girls he has had throughout his life.

He and them are as intertwined as hell.

Best to let it be and be a fly on the wall, rather than in the fray.

Was I instrumental in his life? Was I significant? Maybe, maybe not.

I really do not know (Do I want to be? Well I want to, I am the wife after all!!!!)

Was I chosen, or was I merely a glitch within the larger scheme of things?

I have so many questions, the answers to which I no longer believe.

My deduction is this: marriage is not easy. 

It has 200 or more permutations and possibilities.

I wish I have this wisdom now, then.

I would have happily chosen to remain single, and not know any better.

Or maybe I would, because I get to do this life over.

For this I need therapy, because I am slipping down the slope of anxiety|depression|insanity.

Someone help me!

I have realised that the help/ boost that I needed must come from me.

Not from him, not from my friends, but me innately. Consciously. Deliberately.

I have to decide to acknowledge the experience|pain and be okay. My life is mine to steer.