Magnum Opus | Breakthrough
Yesterday a friend shared on FB the following news item:
http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/Keluarga/20140607/ke_02/Reunion-musnahkan-rumah-tangga-kami
(translated: "Reunion destroyed our marriage")
Long story short, it's about a lady "Nora".. whose husband reconnected with one of his former girlfriends at a reunion and cheated on her.
In my case, ex-hubby got engaged in secret to a 30-year old he met during one of his work-related conferences. She works for the government and has no qualms whatsoever that he is already married with children and divorcing me for her. It is hardly fair to blame his job, or the government (for failing to train their staff on work ethics), or the people from Hulu Langat where she comes from. In response to the article, I would comment that the reunion may not have been the sole reason for separation: there were perhaps existing issues in the marriage and Nora's husband was probably looking for an outlet (rightly or wrongly).. and mostly likely the thinking/ rationalising process (for the extramarital affair) was not done with his brains.
Between December 2013 and today, I have had time to process the info which I have access to.. together with all communications we have had.. the thoughts/ information percolated in my brain.. I had analysed and cross-analysed the issues and basically asked a lot of questions to myself (and to him, which many still remain unanswered, so I have taken the liberty to make my own conclusions because I'd like to move forward).
My deductions, Watson, are as follows:
(1) That he had lied to me and had not trusted me enough to ask or present me with a real choice, if I would like to become the first wife; and
(2) Our marriage was not a happy one: I was expecting too much from him and he felt inadequate and he was expecting me to be someone I was not. So in hindsight, we would be much better off on our own.
To summarise it even further, I would probably say that trust and expectations were the 2 main reasons that caused a rift. When he took the liberty to get engaged in secret and go on various excursions with her (with related "activities" thrown in), those broke the marriage in 2. Whether he loves me or the children is no longer relevant. Our children could not be the reason to stay married when the foundation is brittle. There is just no more trust. He can no longer carry the role of my husband.
So- to blame the reunion may be convenient but would not have been the right thing to do.. like when people blame MLM groups or political parties or work or anything for a marriage breakdown. There is already something wrong with the marriage before the affair happened. We must search deep and take accountability for what has happened (I did, lately.. but in the beginning I was mostly angry/ bitter and did not not want to take any blame.. mea culpa!). It is usually poor communication- things (issues) simmer yet were not properly addressed until they reach boiling point- by this time everybody is angry and screaming and accusing each other of something or the other. Nothing good will come out of an angry situation.
I'd like to fast forward to NOW. Now is the moment of strength.. and the trek towards happiness has already begun. How long will it take until things return to normal? Well, I don't think that things will ever be normal again yet that's okay. I do not want to be normal or comfortable ever again. I want to be challenged, I want to savour life, I want to explore its possibilities.. and everything will be fine in the end. The children's pain will heal, they will be responsible, mature-thinking adults (in time).. and I plan to have a GREAT life, filled with abundance and multiple opportunities to make a difference (in my life & others). LET'S GO!!
http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/Keluarga/20140607/ke_02/Reunion-musnahkan-rumah-tangga-kami
(translated: "Reunion destroyed our marriage")
Long story short, it's about a lady "Nora".. whose husband reconnected with one of his former girlfriends at a reunion and cheated on her.
In my case, ex-hubby got engaged in secret to a 30-year old he met during one of his work-related conferences. She works for the government and has no qualms whatsoever that he is already married with children and divorcing me for her. It is hardly fair to blame his job, or the government (for failing to train their staff on work ethics), or the people from Hulu Langat where she comes from. In response to the article, I would comment that the reunion may not have been the sole reason for separation: there were perhaps existing issues in the marriage and Nora's husband was probably looking for an outlet (rightly or wrongly).. and mostly likely the thinking/ rationalising process (for the extramarital affair) was not done with his brains.
Between December 2013 and today, I have had time to process the info which I have access to.. together with all communications we have had.. the thoughts/ information percolated in my brain.. I had analysed and cross-analysed the issues and basically asked a lot of questions to myself (and to him, which many still remain unanswered, so I have taken the liberty to make my own conclusions because I'd like to move forward).
My deductions, Watson, are as follows:
(1) That he had lied to me and had not trusted me enough to ask or present me with a real choice, if I would like to become the first wife; and
(2) Our marriage was not a happy one: I was expecting too much from him and he felt inadequate and he was expecting me to be someone I was not. So in hindsight, we would be much better off on our own.
To summarise it even further, I would probably say that trust and expectations were the 2 main reasons that caused a rift. When he took the liberty to get engaged in secret and go on various excursions with her (with related "activities" thrown in), those broke the marriage in 2. Whether he loves me or the children is no longer relevant. Our children could not be the reason to stay married when the foundation is brittle. There is just no more trust. He can no longer carry the role of my husband.
So- to blame the reunion may be convenient but would not have been the right thing to do.. like when people blame MLM groups or political parties or work or anything for a marriage breakdown. There is already something wrong with the marriage before the affair happened. We must search deep and take accountability for what has happened (I did, lately.. but in the beginning I was mostly angry/ bitter and did not not want to take any blame.. mea culpa!). It is usually poor communication- things (issues) simmer yet were not properly addressed until they reach boiling point- by this time everybody is angry and screaming and accusing each other of something or the other. Nothing good will come out of an angry situation.
I'd like to fast forward to NOW. Now is the moment of strength.. and the trek towards happiness has already begun. How long will it take until things return to normal? Well, I don't think that things will ever be normal again yet that's okay. I do not want to be normal or comfortable ever again. I want to be challenged, I want to savour life, I want to explore its possibilities.. and everything will be fine in the end. The children's pain will heal, they will be responsible, mature-thinking adults (in time).. and I plan to have a GREAT life, filled with abundance and multiple opportunities to make a difference (in my life & others). LET'S GO!!
posted by elya at 7:32 am
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