What is LOVE?
There is no denying of the heart's capacity to love, a feeling so enduring and fantastic that it leaves you buzzing for days/ months/years/lifetimes.
With Mr Ex the love developed from an infatuation from a youngish perspective.. we had met during a pre-university course & fallen head over heels in love.. and had gotten married as soon as we graduated. It was a love that started with a spark, was very volatile and fantastic for the first 2 years of marriage (at least) and fizzled off after the 10th year (give or take). We had held on, thinking that things could be better had we put it more effort; we even decided to have more babies together.. but in hindsight the affair & the eventual divorce were things that were waiting to happen anyway.
With New Guy there is no fantastic spark to begin with, we may not have intended to even have any romantic relationship.. but a feeling (can't really define it, as of now) developed out of care/concern.. and he gives me balance. It is refreshing to feel such a presence after a long time.. but is it love? I think of him sometimes, if he is doing alright.. some mornings he's the first one who comes to mind.. we can chat endlessly about many different things.. and I guess to some extent I can rely on him to be there for me. HOWEVER, since the divorce is very recently concluded.. and at times I still miss Mr Ex.. I do not know what I am feeling. Maybe this is an open-ended relationship.. being there for each other.. and nothing more? Do I want to have more? Seriously there is no answer for that. The signals are mixed up, but the strongest one is probably this: hold on, give it time, it could be a rebound.
Besides, being single is rather enjoyable. Focusing purely on the children & not on a spouse (+ children) is also very liberating. With children there is no power play, no conditions to love, and the heart can open as big as it could without the fear of divorce/ other woman/ falling out of love. That is the best form of love, in my view, as well as the love for my mum and siblings. Unconditional love in the best and real sense. So for now, I will settle for that & be happy with what I have.
With Mr Ex the love developed from an infatuation from a youngish perspective.. we had met during a pre-university course & fallen head over heels in love.. and had gotten married as soon as we graduated. It was a love that started with a spark, was very volatile and fantastic for the first 2 years of marriage (at least) and fizzled off after the 10th year (give or take). We had held on, thinking that things could be better had we put it more effort; we even decided to have more babies together.. but in hindsight the affair & the eventual divorce were things that were waiting to happen anyway.
With New Guy there is no fantastic spark to begin with, we may not have intended to even have any romantic relationship.. but a feeling (can't really define it, as of now) developed out of care/concern.. and he gives me balance. It is refreshing to feel such a presence after a long time.. but is it love? I think of him sometimes, if he is doing alright.. some mornings he's the first one who comes to mind.. we can chat endlessly about many different things.. and I guess to some extent I can rely on him to be there for me. HOWEVER, since the divorce is very recently concluded.. and at times I still miss Mr Ex.. I do not know what I am feeling. Maybe this is an open-ended relationship.. being there for each other.. and nothing more? Do I want to have more? Seriously there is no answer for that. The signals are mixed up, but the strongest one is probably this: hold on, give it time, it could be a rebound.
Besides, being single is rather enjoyable. Focusing purely on the children & not on a spouse (+ children) is also very liberating. With children there is no power play, no conditions to love, and the heart can open as big as it could without the fear of divorce/ other woman/ falling out of love. That is the best form of love, in my view, as well as the love for my mum and siblings. Unconditional love in the best and real sense. So for now, I will settle for that & be happy with what I have.
posted by elya at 10:46 am
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