Being Faithful
I am a fiercely loyal person in a romantic relationship.
The kind who dig in her heels and stay, unpack the issues and work things out.
So long as the marriage is worth saving.
None of the 3 ladies hold a candle to me, none of them come even a close second.
Do men realise their stupidity as it happens, or much later.. when everything hits them like a ton of bricks?
To say that this turn of events is heartbreaking, is an understatement.
We appear to have a good thing going.. but did we really?
We have great conversations about anything and everything.
He is funny, and makes me happy.
His home is my safe place, my sanctuary.
He goes out of his way to bring me to places I wanted to go to.
We work well together, cooking or cleaning, or camping.
He is really easygoing and patient.
Maybe I have too low an expectation?
Or maybe I did not try hard enough?
and these were before I knew the truth.
Looking at the big picture, his behaviour did not show his willingness to be married:
- his reluctance to announce the wedding
- he took off right after the wedding ceremony, citing work commitments, only to be seen that night & we were not intimate. I initially thought it was nerves but apparently someone else was on his mind
- him taking his time introducing me to people, especially his friends
- the way I was introduced to friends, very by-the-way and casual (I have seen some friends introduce their wives with pride, his has none)
- we do not eat out often, his excuse is he prefers to eat together at home (but he takes Aiza out to eat ALL THE TIME)
- him not wanting to return to Batu Pahat for Hari Raya or other days; I normally return with the children
- him walking away when photos are taken; or going to the far end (from me) in group photos
- all the secrets: taking Aiza's calls outside (because he did not want to hurt my feelings, he says)
- if I accompany him to weddings or group events, he will go everywhere and chat with everyone while I sit at the table drowning in my thoughts; or he will seat me with my friends & ask me to speak to them, like he does NOT want to be associated with me
- his family still talking about his exes like I never existed
And now of course I know why. He wished to maintain all romantic relationships, past and present. Admitting he is my husband will destroy that chance.
Maybe I just wanted to see what I wanted to see.
I did not see the glaring evidence hitting me right between the eyes.
He wants to see me, but now I do not see the point of doing that.
Do I want to heal, or do I want my heart to break even more?
Who am I to him: a gullible girl he persuaded to be a companion,
Or did I force him to marry me, and he is punishing me for it?
We can go for therapy, and again I do not see the point of doing that.
I will still be angry | sad | disappointed | confused | feel betrayed
He will still consider that he has done no wrong & what is the big deal?
My anxiety will hit the roof and we will be none the wiser.
Oh whatever will we do?
Dear hubby, I do not need rescuing.
If you had wanted to be my husband, you should have done it since 19 Feb 2019.
You should have cut off all those hangers on and abandon them in the trash where they belong.
But noooo, you loved them all and loved the care + attention.
You felt I had neglected you, and for that I admit fault. I did abandon you. I could have paid more attention, praised you more, be there when you needed me, appreciate your presence.
BUT TODAY IT IS TOO LATE.. for you, for me & for both of us.
Let us not wonder anymore and cut our ties with certainty.
You may entertain all the needy ladies, I am not one of them thank you very much.
All the best to you my dear hubby. May you achieve what you seek in life, and may you find joy in your pursuits. I do not want to care or question or wonder anymore.
I will love myself and that will be enough.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home