Memories

A marriage should ideally be built on love and trust.

It can possibly be built without much love (on his part) or trust (on my part); it can last 5 years even, but it will eventually break at the seams. It will not be able to sustain the onslaught of external pressure, the multitude of questions, and matters of the heart (such as: who does he love?)

I must point out here that as a person, he is wonderful.

Patient, caring, sensitive, understanding, open, discursive.

[So was my ex-husband, come to think of it, until he found someone else to love.]

Hubby was able to love many people, I agree that proves a point that a man can love many women, but in my binary mind that doesn't fly very well. I understand romantic love this way: you either love a person, or not. When he loves other people, my mind translates that he doesn't love me.

Maybe he did (love me), and my next question is: how much?

Aiza has always been around, so has Che Na, and then there's me = the radar blip.

Compared to his legendary loves, I am literally nothing. I have come to accept that.

I will hold our memories dear, memories that may have been interspersed with Aiza's and Che Na's due to their foreboding presence throughout our married life.

What's different now is: I DO NOT HAVE TO CARE ANYMORE.

All these anxiety-inducing moments, the "what-if"s, the "what-have-you-done"s, the "who-was-that"s, the "what's this about"s, I CAN LET ALL THESE GO & NOT DEAL WITH THEM ANYMORE.

I wish the best for him, on a personal level. May he find the love/ person he seeks.