The Depths of Sorrow

Other than inventing a time machine to return and fix the wrongs, I am fresh out of ideas. He cannot ask me to 'get over it' or 'forget all about it', because it is simply not possible. My next step is therapy, to accept what has happened, to see things as they are, to release the burden of personal guilt or remorse, and move on. There was really nothing that I could have done to change anything. He made some bad choices and they affected me. It is what it is.

I really have no clue how long all this would take. Healing cannot be rushed, that I know. Some days I feel sad and a blackness starts to envelop. With that I realised that I was probably at the early stages of depression. Realisation is good, because then I know I need to do something about it. I must get through it, I have to seek a higher purpose, a higher power, a higher everything, not to sink any more. Now I have to stand on firmer ground, build my inner strength, and push myself up. As I am writing all these, I know how hard all this is, how hard it can be.

I had thought I had given less in this relationship (compared to the one before), but I could not be more wrong. We had connected at a deeper level (or at least I misguidedly thought), and we somehow needed each other (maybe he needed me more than I needed him?). I have cut off my ties & I am good for now, that is for starters. As sad as I am, there are no regrets, because I had been as honest as I could be in this relationship, in loving him, in being his wife and companion. He had taken my love and thrown everything in the dump. No matter, I am me. I realised that I could have been better in may different ways, but given the circumstances, and the time, and everything else I have had to handle, I have done what I could. I might cry a bit more as the days pass, but I understand that the pain will eventually disappear, and we will all be okay. Life is too short for regrets, or do overs. I have no energy to right all his wrongs that he should have handled in the first place. No matter. In the middle of chaos is the very beginning of greatness and multiple possibilities.