The Answer is not in the Arms of a Man

Divorces have a way of crushing one's spirits and destroying one's confidence.

After my first divorce I had felt unwanted and lost, because for 16 years my identity was tied up to the marriage and the life surrounding it.

What did I do? The savings I had were blown for hedonistic things, like travelling, buying new clothes, and hiring a personal trainer. Many would argue my definition of hedonism may be different from others but mind you, I lived a very sheltered life.

My parents allowed my brothers freedom, but I couldn't even take the bus by myself to go to town with friends. I married the first guy I fell in love with. My life revolved around my husband and children.

My first husband had a way of controlling me, for example if I am meeting my friends I have to ask his permission (after informing him 1 week in advance) and he must approve of the friends whom I am going out with. I get 2 hours with my friends (including traveling time), so for trips in KL I will meet my friends for 30 mins and after that have to leave. I used to hate leaving when the gathering became animated (because some friends arrive fashionably late). When I reach home he questions who was there and what I did. The vibe at the beginning was 'a caring husband', but became overwhelming over time that I stopped going out with friends altogether due to the bureaucracy. In contrast, he goes out wherever he likes, with whomever he fancies, and returns home whenever he wants. Such was the imbalance of power but I didn't argue, as I had understood it as 'husband privilege'.

From being caged to having total control over my life, being utterly sad for the break-up of a marriage that I thought would last forever, and losing almost all confidence, I turned to the hedonistic things (my version) and unfortunately started reviewing the dating pool. There was a time when me and my girlfriends would keep each other updated on the available men in that pool.

The attention from men was very ego-boosting but superficial. I became the 'janda' who apparently is sought after but set myself up for heartache, as the dating pool sometimes consist of fake men and people's husbands. I gravitated towards my second husband, who never married. Incidentally, my analytical mind should have probed more insistently: why he never married!

My second husband was the opposite. He lets me be who I am, no control, he encouraged me to look my best and be happy. Unfortunately he has his own dragons to slay in the form of exes (best friend, girlfriends and fiancé). The relationship became too crowded and confusing, as he kept in touch with all of them and sometimes misses them (why oh why?) and I ended it by asking for divorce.

2 years after the second divorce, my approach is now completely changed. I am by myself, comfortably so. I travel with my friends and children, I (try to) manage my own household, and I do not really care about the dating pool anymore because I quit. Marriage or male companionship of any kind, I find, is wasteful. The serotonin high is such a fake messaging, because we are both smelly humans with hundreds of flaws; we have completely different sets of values that it's a wonder how anyone maintains a healthy sustainable marriage anyways. I know I can't. Let me have a go at a second Masters of PhD. Anything other than marriage is doable at this point to be honest.