Sepi

In Bali there is a practice called 'Nyepi' which is religious/ spiritual in nature, where silence is  offered to the Gods for humans to reflect on their time on earth (at least that's how I understood what was explained to me about 'Nyepi'). The streets will be empty; the schools offices and shops will be closed, and all local Balinese folks will stay indoors. They must whisper when they speak, even the smallest sound may attract a fine (or a side eye) for not observing 'Nyepi'.

How would I have handled Nyepi if I were to participate in it? Like my usual self, I think. I'm pretty much quiet and am comfortable in my own company; and it's only for 24 hours. That's not too bad to do, once a year. Even if it's not for religious reasons, being quiet and doing nothing can actually be good for us.  

My reflection in my quiet moments (I do this while driving home, or when driving alone, or when traveling, or whenever I am by myself): I'm my own person. I am not special or unique or beautiful in the eyes of others, but I am all that and more in my own eyes. That has to stand, no matter how delusional I may sound. Because that is one of the things keeping me upright. 

I am terribly unlucky in love, maybe because I don't know what I want. I just follow my heart recklessly, and do not heed any warnings or red flags strewn all the way from here to there! BUT I am a survivor. This I have decided for me. No matter what happens or who breaks my heart, I will take the good out of it all, and accept everything as a package. AND move on. 

So now, I am on my own, by myself. It's a comfortable place to be, for I have all the space/ room to get reacquainted with me. During my first divorce, which was a major event, as the day approached dusk I would find something to do... to avoid sinking into darkness. I found friends again, I talked to them, I sought support, made some bad decisions but turned round the corner before things get too iffy.

Now I can recognise the triggers and will immerse myself in busy-ness to avoid that 'blackhole' feeling. Loneliness and quiet can be a friend too, I we only let them 💗