I am not gonna

I am not going to participate in any more outings with him, nor will I be seen at events in his presence. 

(Post-divorce) The women always get the brunt of being the forlorn hard-up person who cannot let go, even if he had been the one who initiated the trips.

I am not going to call, or hope, or expect anything from him anymore, because there is nothing left to lean against. He will always love and cherish her, and I am merely the placeholder until she is free to be with him again. That's who I was, sadly enough. Their bond was too strong to break, least of all by me. See him for what he really is, instead of your romanticised view of what he could be.

I will let this sadness wash over me, until one day I will not feel sad anymore. 

Love alone is never enough [Context: husband and wife relationship]. A husband must love his wife, and his wife, him. Mutually and wholeheartedly that no one else compares. PLUS the firm decision to be loyal and not stray. PLUS having the financial means to raise a family, put a roof over their heads, and pay for food to fill their tummies (and clothes, shoes, hobby items, home decor... the list goes on!). PLUS the genuine enjoyment to be in the other's company. 

It has not worked out for me. Never has and probably never will be. Let's drop this venture completely and never revisit it ever again. I might not survive another heartache. Incidentally how does anyone remarry multiple times? How do they carry the emotional weight and not break? 

My heart is sad and heavy, but I will survive. In fact, I have to believe in my worth and find my purpose. It may not be here in Malaysia, so please apply for overseas' jobs.

The Best Love Story Ever Written

... has to be the love story you have with yourself

           the highs and the lows

                 the heartaches and the joys

                        the failures and achievements

I have been with me all the way

My best supporter and at times my worst enemy

There is this high-level high-quality love reserved for the Creator, for Self, and for Children born from one's womb (in my opinion, from experience; I have no psychology training). The hardest love to express is love for self (context: Asian, female, eldest daughter, Muslim). After 2 divorces, and multiple disappointments in the friendship department, I have decided to grow that love for self. Grateful I am for the lessons I have learnt. It's of utmost importance to forgive self and not beat myself too hard.

My love was sincere. Both times. But my actions fall short, according to both my husbands. And it's completely fine. I'll survive. There was probably one person who adored me during my younger years; I think he would have stayed had I chosen him. But I hadn't because I didn't love him. Looking back and with hindsight, I should have chosen him because love can be developed. He had the highest probability of being a loyal and non-straying husband amongst ALL potential and actual matches I have had. I had been a fool and probably cursed by 2 terrible matches. I have embraced everything. That person has passed on and I recite Al-Fatihah to him every time he comes across my mind.

Life is not coded that way, unfortunately. There is no algorithm to correct or fix. Things happen, consequences ensue action. I cannot undo the choices I have made. I just need to accept and forgive myself, and keep walking. The circumstances are such. No matter how much my heart breaks, I will keep smiling. Hugsssss to me!!!!

The Passing of a Luminary

Today Tun Dr Siti Hasmah passed away and Malaysia grieved.

I haven't met her in person, but have heard so many wonderful things about her.

Tun Dr Mahathir must be crushed to send her off; they are the sweetest couple ever.

Once there was a rumour that he married a second wife; maybe he did maybe he did not, but that rumour never tainted their relationship. 

Behind every successful man is a strong woman, I do agree. 

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Tun Dr Siti Hasmah is an achiever in her own right, but she made way for her husband to pursue public office and shine. He rewarded her with love and loyalty and care until her very last breath. That is worthwhile marriage. I'm sure there are times when she was frustrated but she carried on like a trooper. No drama, no public displays of wealth or stupidity, no gossip or scandal. She's my kind of woman.

Not My Problem

When divorce happens, two very closely connected individuals will/ has to treat the other nonchalantly (eventually). It is a really hard situation to navigate through, because there was a lot of love and trust before. Plus both have to let go of the expectation/ dream/ aspiration to be together forever. Unceremoniously. 

No one, during the recitation of their marriage vows, would plan an exit strategy. Not me at least, but I normally have that at the back of my mind because I am a lawyer. We have to be ready for the worst-case scenario. [Let's mark this as Issue #1]

Is divorce a failure? Yes somewhat, in my view. It is a relationship that should end in death, if I am being technically forthright. However this death should NOT be due to either spouse's doing (obviously!). 

I probably won't have people knocking at my door, asking for marriage advice. Not that I want people to do that, but you know what I mean. There are 5 other things I may be able to advise on, marriage is not one of it. My own little brothers' marriages have outlasted mine, so better ask them. You would get better perspective from people who have been in it longer.

Could I have been more patient, or tolerant, or less presumptive? NO I SURE AS HELL CANNOT!!!  It is not easy for me to do, as I am a hotheaded person. [Let's mark this as Issue #2]

In that I can see the problem. I might be too inflexible for marriage or romantic relationship. I have learnt to let that part go. Marriage is not my forte. Hopefully I am a little better at single-parenting. I do try but won't claim to be a good mother. A reasonable one, I hope, but 'good' is what I try to aim for. It's not easy. So today I am effectively letting go of my marriage dreams. Romantic relationships included, as there is too much work and too high a risk of failure. For me especially. Rather than going mental, I have decided to release all expectations and be by myself for the rest of my life. 

Camaraderie

Today we had our first School meeting in 2026. Certificates of Appreciation were handed out. Mine was for helping a part-timer cope with his classes. I don't know what my contribution really is, because after 3 cycles of teaching, he still hasn't learnt much. Perhaps he should be given an assistant (who is NOT me) to handle the system part of things, because he is clearly overwhelmed. 

PLUS I'm quite sure that I have done other things to contribute to the organisation, but those may not have been significant to merit an appreciation. 

PLUS another colleague who has been helping to put together documentation for up-and-coming degree programmes was completely passed over.

Then at 5.30pm we had a dinner treat by the Head of School at his restaurant. It's run by his wife. 

Was it a conflict of interest, because he is also teaching at the university? I don't know. Maybe not, because the university is not paying for the meals AND the business and his work in education are 2 separate things. Right? I'm not even sure anymore.

I'm pretty sure that I may have sold my soul to the devil. I have eaten, so he can pretty much wrung my neck and ask me to do things. Well I have the unpaid leave email to send, and if need be, a resignation letter. Because work is a little too much. I am beginning to lose myself.

OR maybe I am a double agent. I play both sides? I probably need to have a good look at myself and see if I am proud of what I have just done. 

OR am I losing my mind? Is this a gray area that I should have never encroached in? The photo evidence will show that I looked happy to be attending dinner, but I am not really his fan. He is a good hospitality person, excellent with research, and seem to have sense when it comes to claims of research funds BUT he is a terrible Head of School. His leadership style is divisive due to his favouritism. He remembers certain things about certain people whom he likes, but has amnesia when dealing with the rest of us who are immaterial.

What's next? The unpaid leave application will proceed, because I am exhausted. Mentally I am very close to quitting. Did I say I was exhausted? 

I should have listened to my spidey senses and not touch the whole thing with even a pole.

I'm going to need my buccal fat

As I age, my face is becoming more mature looking. Well the body and skin are maturing as much too, but these are primarily hidden and unseen. I am a little lucky being Asian, as the wrinkles get to us much later in life. I hope to be able to embrace it all and take aging in stride.

While women around the world are removing their buccal fats to have a more contoured face, I'd very much like to hold on to mine. Apparently these fats under our cheekbones help with chewing and protects the face from external blows (if ever sustained).

In the same vein, I probably won't use Ozempic for weight loss. Let me handle my calorie deficit meals which I would like to think are working! Perhaps I should instead 'sell' anti-aging solutions to our vain friends who have tons of money. Help me make some money too won't you please?

 There is enough pressure to be beautiful and/ or young. Let me be completely happy with myself without the need to hang on to what has passed. Youth will always be sought after, so will wisdom (I'd like to think). I will take wisdom any day and people-watch instead, in my little corner. If I had been gorgeous, that would have been hard to do.

Sepi

In Bali there is a practice called 'Nyepi' which is religious/ spiritual in nature, where silence is  offered to the Gods for humans to reflect on their time on earth (at least that's how I understood what was explained to me about 'Nyepi'). The streets will be empty; the schools offices and shops will be closed, and all local Balinese folks will stay indoors. They must whisper when they speak, even the smallest sound may attract a fine (or a side eye) for not observing 'Nyepi'.

How would I have handled Nyepi if I were to participate in it? Like my usual self, I think. I'm pretty much quiet and am comfortable in my own company; and it's only for 24 hours. That's not too bad to do, once a year. Even if it's not for religious reasons, being quiet and doing nothing can actually be good for us.  

My reflection in my quiet moments (I do this while driving home, or when driving alone, or when traveling, or whenever I am by myself): I'm my own person. I am not special or unique or beautiful in the eyes of others, but I am all that and more in my own eyes. That has to stand, no matter how delusional I may sound. Because that is one of the things keeping me upright. 

I am terribly unlucky in love, maybe because I don't know what I want. I just follow my heart recklessly, and do not heed any warnings or red flags strewn all the way from here to there! BUT I am a survivor. This I have decided for me. No matter what happens or who breaks my heart, I will take the good out of it all, and accept everything as a package. AND move on. 

So now, I am on my own, by myself. It's a comfortable place to be, for I have all the space/ room to get reacquainted with me. During my first divorce, which was a major event, as the day approached dusk I would find something to do... to avoid sinking into darkness. I found friends again, I talked to them, I sought support, made some bad decisions but turned round the corner before things get too iffy.

Now I can recognise the triggers and will immerse myself in busy-ness to avoid that 'blackhole' feeling. Loneliness and quiet can be a friend too, I we only let them 💗

She wants to see the view

Chibi my son's cat likes to sit at the second floor balcony, perhaps to see the view.

From the balcony we used to be able to see to the highway, before the condos were built. Now we see concrete and the park located right in front of our house.

Chibi would sit there for hours, looking at people and cars and birds. Sometimes if a lone lizard passes by, it will be Chibi's snack or plaything. Depending om her mood.

Chibi, as her name suggests, is petite. She is almost ten years old, but has a baby face. She had Mickey her son a couple of years ago. Mickey is a long-haired cat, unlike Chibi who is a common house cat, so I can presume that she had good taste in men/ male cats. We can only presume, because after she gave birth to Mickey we neutered her. 

Mickey disappeared a few years ago, we hope that a good family had taken him in, because he is the most patient cat ever. He is called Mickey because of his black ears and white face, just like a mouse, and my eldest son named him Mickey after the most famous mouse on earth (apart from Jerry, or Geronimo Stilton, or Pinky).

We also recite the Al-Fatihah for Robin and Nas. Robin was the wise big brother who looked after everyone's safety. He doesn't get involved in others' business, but will be there when needed. Nas on the other hand is the second brother who rebels and roams daily- we would see him early in the day then late at night when he returns home to roost. Nas disappeared, it is likely that he got into a fight with the stray dogs and didn't make it OR a happier version would be him leaving to give Robin the territory (since they were both male cats). Robin normally do not get into fights, but he was injured and fell sick at some point. Being the wise 'abang', he must have left to meet his Maker somewhere discreet, to save us from heartache and pain. 

Another cat worthy of mention was 'Tenggek' (meaning 'Perched'), a black and white cat who used to perch on our windowsill every afternoon, watching us go about our business. 'Snow' too, who was so beautiful, a stray siamese cat.

And to all the cats we have loved before, we were glad to have you with us, even for a short time.

No Longer

My dreams are no longer about falling into the endless abyss.

I used to dream that a lot, especially during high school, and occasionally when doing my degree.

When I read about dream meanings, most sites say that such dreams meant that I have an innate fear of failing (translated into 'falling endlessly' in those dreams). 

My recent dreams are more mixed. Some could be messages from above, to be careful perhaps. Some are about getting lost and eventually finding my way to places I plan to be at, or at unexpected locations. That must mean something, based on the journey I am walking currently.

No matter what my night time dreams are, the important thing is to keep going. The journey may be long, or short, or unexpected, but enjoy every moment for they are precious.