The Answer is not in the Arms of a Man

Divorces have a way of crushing one's spirits and destroying one's confidence.

After my first divorce I had felt unwanted and lost, because for 16 years my identity was tied up to the marriage and the life surrounding it.

What did I do? The savings I had were blown for hedonistic things, like travelling, buying new clothes, and hiring a personal trainer. Many would argue my definition of hedonism may be different from others but mind you, I lived a very sheltered life.

My parents allowed my brothers freedom, but I couldn't even take the bus by myself to go to town with friends. I married the first guy I fell in love with. My life revolved around my husband and children.

My first husband had a way of controlling me, for example if I am meeting my friends I have to ask his permission (after informing him 1 week in advance) and he must approve of the friends whom I am going out with. I get 2 hours with my friends (including traveling time), so for trips in KL I will meet my friends for 30 mins and after that have to leave. I used to hate leaving when the gathering became animated (because some friends arrive fashionably late). When I reach home he questions who was there and what I did. The vibe at the beginning was 'a caring husband', but became overwhelming over time that I stopped going out with friends altogether due to the bureaucracy. In contrast, he goes out wherever he likes, with whomever he fancies, and returns home whenever he wants. Such was the imbalance of power but I didn't argue, as I had understood it as 'husband privilege'.

From being caged to having total control over my life, being utterly sad for the break-up of a marriage that I thought would last forever, and losing almost all confidence, I turned to the hedonistic things (my version) and unfortunately started reviewing the dating pool. There was a time when me and my girlfriends would keep each other updated on the available men in that pool.

The attention from men was very ego-boosting but superficial. I became the 'janda' who apparently is sought after but set myself up for heartache, as the dating pool sometimes consist of fake men and people's husbands. I gravitated towards my second husband, who never married. Incidentally, my analytical mind should have probed more insistently: why he never married!

My second husband was the opposite. He lets me be who I am, no control, he encouraged me to look my best and be happy. Unfortunately he has his own dragons to slay in the form of exes (best friend, girlfriends and fiancé). The relationship became too crowded and confusing, as he kept in touch with all of them and sometimes misses them (why oh why?) and I ended it by asking for divorce.

2 years after the second divorce, my approach is now completely changed. I am by myself, comfortably so. I travel with my friends and children, I (try to) manage my own household, and I do not really care about the dating pool anymore because I quit. Marriage or male companionship of any kind, I find, is wasteful. The serotonin high is such a fake messaging, because we are both smelly humans with hundreds of flaws; we have completely different sets of values that it's a wonder how anyone maintains a healthy sustainable marriage anyways. I know I can't. Let me have a go at a second Masters of PhD. Anything other than marriage is doable at this point to be honest.

Staycation

Fraser's Hill in my view is like a mini snapshot of a small UK town, perhaps like Windsor, or Stratford-upon-Avon, or even York (I'm referring to the architecture, not the landscape). It is still cold here compared to Cameron Highlands or Genting. Most likely because Malaysians look for activities, and have never taken to places where you just need to chill and do nothing. On the contrary, this is MY kind of place where there are not too many people around; the air is fresh and cooling; and it allows me to sit back, read and relax. I might come back here and do activities with the hiking or running folks.

p/s: it is also a place that reflects the quote "difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations"; the road uphill is pretty grueling (not the typical Malaysian roads, and explains why not many people come here).

Slump

This is not a great place to be. The feeling that I don't really want to do anything when there is actually a TON of things to do. I feel mentally paralysed, but need to keep going. There is no other choice, because there are bills to pay and mouths to feed.

I have not had proper rest since graduating. Work has been generous, because I have unlocked new skillsets. They come to me and hug my legs. I cannot move sometimes. In fact, I feel like I cannot move now. Help. My mind is thinking of 200 things to do except work.

F1 in Malaysia

Due to the conflict in the Middle East, Bahrain's F1 is hosted in Sepang, Malaysia for 2026.

This must have felt like the move Cars, when everyone returned to the town due to Lightning McQueen's presence. The crowds were energised, including the PM and Ministers, influencers and artists.

In line with the Bahrain F1's tradition, no champagne will be used for the podium but rose water. All the better, as everyone will come out smelling like a bouquet.

Although I would prefer not to have any war at all in this day and age, when money and technology can probably solve 99% of the world's problems, this is an example where from crisis arises opportunity. It's also an example of creative problem-solving; and luck, of happening to have a place ready for a huge racing event. 

I am not gonna

I am not going to participate in any more outings with him, nor will I be seen at events in his presence. 

(Post-divorce) The women always get the brunt of being the forlorn hard-up person who cannot let go, even if he had been the one who initiated the trips.

I am not going to call, or hope, or expect anything from him anymore, because there is nothing left to lean against. He will always love and cherish her, and I am merely the placeholder until she is free to be with him again. That's who I was, sadly enough. Their bond was too strong to break, least of all by me. See him for what he really is, instead of your romanticised view of what he could be.

I will let this sadness wash over me, until one day I will not feel sad anymore. 

Love alone is never enough [Context: husband and wife relationship]. A husband must love his wife, and his wife, him. Mutually and wholeheartedly that no one else compares. PLUS the firm decision to be loyal and not stray. PLUS having the financial means to raise a family, put a roof over their heads, and pay for food to fill their tummies (and clothes, shoes, hobby items, home decor... the list goes on!). PLUS the genuine enjoyment to be in the other's company. 

It has not worked out for me. Never has and probably never will be. Let's drop this venture completely and never revisit it ever again. I might not survive another heartache. Incidentally how does anyone remarry multiple times? How do they carry the emotional weight and not break? 

My heart is sad and heavy, but I will survive. In fact, I have to believe in my worth and find my purpose. It may not be here in Malaysia, so please apply for overseas' jobs.

The Best Love Story Ever Written

... has to be the love story you have with yourself

           the highs and the lows

                 the heartaches and the joys

                        the failures and achievements

I have been with me all the way

My best supporter and at times my worst enemy

There is this high-level high-quality love reserved for the Creator, for Self, and for Children born from one's womb (in my opinion, from experience; I have no psychology training). The hardest love to express is love for self (context: Asian, female, eldest daughter, Muslim). After 2 divorces, and multiple disappointments in the friendship department, I have decided to grow that love for self. Grateful I am for the lessons I have learnt. It's of utmost importance to forgive self and not beat myself too hard.

My love was sincere. Both times. But my actions fall short, according to both my husbands. And it's completely fine. I'll survive. There was probably one person who adored me during my younger years; I think he would have stayed had I chosen him. But I hadn't because I didn't love him. Looking back and with hindsight, I should have chosen him because love can be developed. He had the highest probability of being a loyal and non-straying husband amongst ALL potential and actual matches I have had. I had been a fool and probably cursed by 2 terrible matches. I have embraced everything. That person has passed on and I recite Al-Fatihah to him every time he comes across my mind.

Life is not coded that way, unfortunately. There is no algorithm to correct or fix. Things happen, consequences ensue action. I cannot undo the choices I have made. I just need to accept and forgive myself, and keep walking. The circumstances are such. No matter how much my heart breaks, I will keep smiling. Hugsssss to me!!!!

The Passing of a Luminary

Today Tun Dr Siti Hasmah passed away and Malaysia grieved.

I haven't met her in person, but have heard so many wonderful things about her.

Tun Dr Mahathir must be crushed to send her off; they are the sweetest couple ever.

Once there was a rumour that he married a second wife; maybe he did maybe he did not, but that rumour never tainted their relationship. 

Behind every successful man is a strong woman, I do agree. 

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Tun Dr Siti Hasmah is an achiever in her own right, but she made way for her husband to pursue public office and shine. He rewarded her with love and loyalty and care until her very last breath. That is worthwhile marriage. I'm sure there are times when she was frustrated but she carried on like a trooper. No drama, no public displays of wealth or stupidity, no gossip or scandal. She's my kind of woman.

Not My Problem

When divorce happens, two very closely connected individuals will/ has to treat the other nonchalantly (eventually). It is a really hard situation to navigate through, because there was a lot of love and trust before. Plus both have to let go of the expectation/ dream/ aspiration to be together forever. Unceremoniously. 

No one, during the recitation of their marriage vows, would plan an exit strategy. Not me at least, but I normally have that at the back of my mind because I am a lawyer. We have to be ready for the worst-case scenario. [Let's mark this as Issue #1]

Is divorce a failure? Yes somewhat, in my view. It is a relationship that should end in death, if I am being technically forthright. However this death should NOT be due to either spouse's doing (obviously!). 

I probably won't have people knocking at my door, asking for marriage advice. Not that I want people to do that, but you know what I mean. There are 5 other things I may be able to advise on, marriage is not one of it. My own little brothers' marriages have outlasted mine, so better ask them. You would get better perspective from people who have been in it longer.

Could I have been more patient, or tolerant, or less presumptive? NO I SURE AS HELL CANNOT!!!  It is not easy for me to do, as I am a hotheaded person. [Let's mark this as Issue #2]

In that I can see the problem. I might be too inflexible for marriage or romantic relationship. I have learnt to let that part go. Marriage is not my forte. Hopefully I am a little better at single-parenting. I do try but won't claim to be a good mother. A reasonable one, I hope, but 'good' is what I try to aim for. It's not easy. So today I am effectively letting go of my marriage dreams. Romantic relationships included, as there is too much work and too high a risk of failure. For me especially. Rather than going mental, I have decided to release all expectations and be by myself for the rest of my life. 

Camaraderie

Today we had our first School meeting in 2026. Certificates of Appreciation were handed out. Mine was for helping a part-timer cope with his classes. I don't know what my contribution really is, because after 3 cycles of teaching, he still hasn't learnt much. Perhaps he should be given an assistant (who is NOT me) to handle the system part of things, because he is clearly overwhelmed. 

PLUS I'm quite sure that I have done other things to contribute to the organisation, but those may not have been significant to merit an appreciation. 

PLUS another colleague who has been helping to put together documentation for up-and-coming degree programmes was completely passed over.

Then at 5.30pm we had a dinner treat by the Head of School at his restaurant. It's run by his wife. 

Was it a conflict of interest, because he is also teaching at the university? I don't know. Maybe not, because the university is not paying for the meals AND the business and his work in education are 2 separate things. Right? I'm not even sure anymore.

I'm pretty sure that I may have sold my soul to the devil. I have eaten, so he can pretty much wrung my neck and ask me to do things. Well I have the unpaid leave email to send, and if need be, a resignation letter. Because work is a little too much. I am beginning to lose myself.

OR maybe I am a double agent. I play both sides? I probably need to have a good look at myself and see if I am proud of what I have just done. 

OR am I losing my mind? Is this a gray area that I should have never encroached in? The photo evidence will show that I looked happy to be attending dinner, but I am not really his fan. He is a good hospitality person, excellent with research, and seem to have sense when it comes to claims of research funds BUT he is a terrible Head of School. His leadership style is divisive due to his favouritism. He remembers certain things about certain people whom he likes, but has amnesia when dealing with the rest of us who are immaterial.

What's next? The unpaid leave application will proceed, because I am exhausted. Mentally I am very close to quitting. Did I say I was exhausted? 

I should have listened to my spidey senses and not touch the whole thing with even a pole.

I'm going to need my buccal fat

As I age, my face is becoming more mature looking. Well the body and skin are maturing as much too, but these are primarily hidden and unseen. I am a little lucky being Asian, as the wrinkles get to us much later in life. I hope to be able to embrace it all and take aging in stride.

While women around the world are removing their buccal fats to have a more contoured face, I'd very much like to hold on to mine. Apparently these fats under our cheekbones help with chewing and protects the face from external blows (if ever sustained).

In the same vein, I probably won't use Ozempic for weight loss. Let me handle my calorie deficit meals which I would like to think are working! Perhaps I should instead 'sell' anti-aging solutions to our vain friends who have tons of money. Help me make some money too won't you please?

 There is enough pressure to be beautiful and/ or young. Let me be completely happy with myself without the need to hang on to what has passed. Youth will always be sought after, so will wisdom (I'd like to think). I will take wisdom any day and people-watch instead, in my little corner. If I had been gorgeous, that would have been hard to do.