2018: A New Hope

Last day of the year. Well these transitions tend to nudge people to make some resolutions, or re-look on past achievements, or just do SOMETHING significant (or try to plan something for next year).

For me this year's transition to 2018 is very low key. There will be a small do/ get-together later & a birthday celebration.

I have decided to cease the romantic relationship with S and leave it open so that both parties may pursue whatever it is that each wants to pursue. We never have actually stopped each other anyways. This is more about (me) taking charge & letting go of uncertainty. We will remain friends & do some activities together. There are still some common threads that will weave us together time & again, so we'll both be alright I guess. I feel empowered and sad at the same time- it is a difficult emotion to explain. It is what it is & we both have decided that we will survive regardless.

My goal for 2017 was patience. Overall it has been achieved (well I am more patient than I was before, but not quite zen yet about it).. together with the goal of getting in tune with my instincts (which is still being honed, especially in stressful situations that tend to jangle my nerves).

For 2018, the plan is to empower myself.. and write more. That's it really.

Will welcome the new year with hope, and complete faith that God loves me very much.. and that the lessons I have learnt will serve me well on my way.

Hopes & Dreams

Letting Go may be a good thing.

Because you stop hoping or imagining or daydreaming.. of something that may never happen.

Let's just take the memories.

Stop analysing because it is not helpful. Counter-productive, in fact. 

Because my dear, you over-analyse. You Do.

You did your best. You did what you could, in the circumstances. It was not meant to be.

Let's move on. Let's place hope on other things. On other people. 

On God. Because He Never Lets you Down.

This is the Final Call. The train will be leaving shortly.

Oh well, I tried. It didn't work out. So there.

Let's be totally okay with this.

In fact, let's be GLORIOUS.

Jonghyun

The late Jonghyun (of SHINee - pronounced 'shiny') probably needs no introduction. His passing at a young age of 27 from an apparent suicide last Tuesday shocked the world, especially kpop fans.

I do not know him as a person, just from numerous footage available in various channels.

He comes across (in public, to people like me) as a cheerful person, a wonderful soul.

Yet from the news that surfaced after his death, he had been battling depression and finally he caved in. We kinda knew that kpop stars are put under a gruelling regime that they can't talk about negatively. They may have had counsellors and nutritionists and trainers on board.. and legions of fans.. yet Jonghyun had felt completely alone.

Somehow he reminded me of the late Heath Ledger (or perhaps Micheal Jackson). Quiet, unassuming, sensitive (again, this is my take from his public persona).. someone who would rather be known purely for his art and not be tossed into the limelight.

However sadly, this is the reality- once a person becomes ultra famous he/ she lets go of his/ her private life. The persona, the love life, the whole manufactured package has to be maintained. How does one hold on to who he/ she is?

My hope is that this incident will cause Korean talent companies to re-look their strategies a little. They may not (because it works very well *ka-ching) and most stars who want to succeed do play along BUT at least I hope these companies (or their appointed counsellors/ psychiatrists) would learn to recognise the symptoms and provide help before it is too late.

Being "ME"

The usual stuff that motivators put in their book is to "Be Yourself".

For a pedantic person like me, this advice is hardly useful because in my mind the real question is"What do I need to actually DO?"

Well these are the sort of questions that make people think I am quite a nitwit. I do understand the concept of 'being myself' but it would be nice if some general guidelines can be given, for example:
1  - what did you like to do/ enjoy doing as a child/ youngster?
2  - given a choice, would you have involved yourself in a different career?
3  - what sort of person do you like to hang out with? (why?)
4  - are you comfortable in a crowd or do you prefer to be by yourself?
5  - what are your most favourite things to do, ever?
6  - let's say time and money is not a constraint, what would you do?
7  - in your quiet moment/ by yourself, what do you pray/ ask for?
8  - when you involve yourself in debate (i.e. disagreeing with others), what is your usual approach (when addressing the 'opponent')?
9  - who do you love? why do you love them?
10- what do you want in life?
11- what will you need to do to get what you want? (what price will you be willing to pay?)
12- what do you love most about yourself? how long have you been in love (with yourself)?
13- when you have made a mistake (or done something that you could have done differently/ better), what statements do you tell yourself?
14- let's say you win a thousand dollars, what/ who would you spend the money for/ on?
15- on your dying breath, would you consider that you have done whatever that you wish you could have done? (what else would you have liked to do?)

Something like that, if it makes any sense. It is like I have turned 43 but I have yet to figure out my life. There was a book that I noticed in the book sale last week: How to be an adult. That's my book actually, but I didn't buy it because some points I kinda already knew & most probably I was just too scared to face reality. That I AM beyond adulthood. That things may not have worked out as planned (and I may not have planned as well as I could have).

HOWEVER, being at this point here today (I say this in the existential sense, of course) I have accumulated some skills, some knowledge, some wisdom, some type of organisation skills to put everything together & keep going on. I'll take that.

Ten (or more) Possible Things that I Could Do for the Last 10 years (or so) of My Working Life

Naturally I would have liked to bum around and money comes in somehow BUT since I did not lay the pipes earlier, nothing will be trickling in (obviously!).

In a way I do envy these young single people who really know what they want and started buying property & saving & no debts early on. By the time they reach 40 they would have income from rental and the like to cover their additional (entertainment/ traveling) expenses.

OH WELL, since I do not have the power to turn back time or undo my debts, I will move on gloriously and the best thing now is to not borrow any more from any one.

The plan now is to keep aside ONE YEAR's worth of income to tide me over on bad days (I hope they never happen, but best be prepared).

So this is my other attempt to jog my creative brain & plan something for the glorious future (yet to come):
1  - write and travel
2  - do training/ consulting
3  - surrogate motherhood? haha
4  - youtuber
5  - be an activist/ start a foundation
6  - start a crowdfunding initiative
7  - event management
8  - invent something fantastic
9  - buy & sell (something other than my soul)
10- TV presenter
11- photographer
12- write reviews
13- teach part time
14- MLM or insurance or unit trust agent? (I would consider them but for the fact that I am SO not suited to these 'servicing' businesses)
15- sell customised t-shirts
16- open a goreng pisang (banana fritters) stall
17- upgrade myself by doing a PhD
18- be a student/ recruitment agent
19- be in HR/ talent management
20- babysit
21- home tuition
22- weekend workshops
23- car boot sale seller
24- work from home
25- stream VR travel
26- create an app
27- create content/ template/ checklist for sale
28- bake cakes & cookies
29- make chocolates
30- do a mobile beauty clinic/ facials (beauty2u perhaps?)
31- do face/ body massages (females only please)
32- teach kids to read the Quran
33- be a still life artist
34- conduct life skills workshops
35- do product demos
36- modeling?
37- write proposals
38- teach arts & craft (or origami)
39- source for & sell art
40- matchmaker
41- personal trainer/ pilates instructor
42- consultant for english
43- copywriter
44- personal tutoring
45- florist
46- fruit picker & sorter
47- PA
48- driver
49- go-to person
50- colourist (is there such a profession- colouring things?)
51- governess (yet I am so uncultured myself.. haha)
52- art critic
53- counselor
54- career consultant
55- traveler & wanderer
56- learn programming or web development & develop something awesome
57- write thesis & be known for a new knowledge

So many things that I could actually do.

Like the advice I tend to give my students for their final year project, FOCUS!

Big Bad Wolf Book Fair 2017

This annual event is awaited for by a number of people (myself included), as it is an opportunity to enhance the reading collection.

[By the way, as I am writing this a squirrel is peering at me with its wide brown eyes from the window outside- how cute is that!]

Back to BBW2017 (URL: https://www.bigbadwolfbooks.com/2017/). There are lots of books sold here (website says 4.5 million), however there is no specific listing or inventory available for us to check the quantity/titles (nor will the volunteers help you to find any books) as the basic idea is this is a book warehouse & you get the books at bargain prices. SO we have to do the hunting ourselves. AND if you can't choose, just buy everything. The prices are superb. A Bargain.

Lots of improvements have been made since BBW first started. Now it is open 24-hours (which is the BEST idea ever!), ..and there are baskets and trolleys, ..and plastic bags and boxes, ..and storage areas, ..and pick up points, ..and sample books, ..and lots of signs that remind everybody to put back the books where they first found them (extremely useful when the books are not arranged on shelves but stacked on tables).

Yesterday on opening day, a friend and I went for a looksee.. and we ended up buying some books (of course!). Since my practice is to finish last year's books before buying new ones, I have promised myself not to buy too many this year (there are 6-7 more books to finish from 2016). The selection yesterday was a Psychology Simplified book & a translated novel by the late Yukio Mishima titled "The Sound of Waves". Started reading the novel already & it is pretty engaging. Simple words yet they draw you into the story & the activities that were narrated.

Based on my personal experience, the best times to visit BBW2017 would be:
- during working hours, or
- between 10pm-12am, or
- early morning e.g. 4/ 5/ 6 am (or even any time between 12-6am)

Have fun & happy book hunting!

Being Honest

Yesterday when driving with a friend we talked about being honest.

Both of us are single. She is comfortable being alone and I had said something to the effect of "I also want to be comfortable alone". She replied "Well I am comfortable alone, you on the other hand are seeking a committed relationship". [Maybe that is the source of my issues- the need to marry or have someone as a companion.]

Long conversation shortened: we agreed that for 2018 we will be honest with ourselves (or at least for me, try to).

Suggestions to make 2018 meaningful and honest:
  1- Go on a solo holiday
  2- Write more (and reflect)
  3- Save more money (or make more, somehow)
  4- Read new things
  5- Learn a new skill (sewing perhaps)
  6- Cook more often than eating out
  7- Listen more than speak
  8- Listen to the children (their spoken & unspoken languages)
  9- Try new teaching methods
10- Pray and speak to God
11- Cry at the prayer mat/ at the movies/ while driving/ whenever
12- Watch the clouds/ stars and ponder on life's meaning
13- Talk to mom/ my girlfriends
14- Take 2-3 steps back from social events
15- Exercise more & eat less (be FIT!)
16- Get busy with beneficial things
17- Clean the house (my hands can become rough but just screw it)
18- Stay indoors and make the house more habitable
19- Pick up a new language
20- Learn to say YES and NO to the right things/ people
21- Draw, paint (or colour the meditative design pictures)
22- Have more good habits (including cleaning the house!)
23- Pamper myself more
24- Have intimate conversations with good people
25- Publish a book

Follow My Heart

Life is really short. How much longer will we all have?

In this short life, what would I like to do?
(What have I done so far?)
(Have I done enough? Surely no.)

Let's make a decision and stick with it.

Let's be beautiful and worthwhile.
Let's be kind.
Let's be self-assured.

Let us not sell ourselves short.

Playing Devil's Advocate

Listen to your heart
Keep it guarded
Believe in yourself

Heartbreak is temporary
The soul is cleansed
And it shall learn to love again

The road is long and winding
With many stops along the way
So enjoy the view

Don't stress yourself
Over things that could have, should have or would have been
There are more adventures, yet to be had

It is I who will decide
The path that I should walk
And I seek the courage to see me through

Be loud or Be timid
Be in-your-face or Be meek
Be quiet and seek the strength from within

Tomorrow I will wake
With renewed energy
To soar to new heights

Calm

           Focused

                          Balanced

Under Control

One of the best advice I received during my early years of legal practice was: focus on things under your (our) control.

Manage these things to work in our favour. Be it dates, people, documentation, information. Anything. From the legal perspective it protects the lawyers from negligence & helps with the monitoring (and in a way, avoid micro-managing or excessive worry).

Now that I am teaching & living a more laidback lifestyle, this advice still rings true. About life. About being happy. About acceptance.

Manage the things I can control. After doing my best effort I would have to leave the rest to the higher power/ universe/ fate. Now at this age I have learnt that it is alright to let go and accept the outcome. The pain/ hurt/ happiness/ joy that ensues is always part of the package.

Thank you Life, for all your lessons.