Falling in love with the person | Falling in love with the idea | What (more) do you want from me | Self-Prognosis

There you go! How NOT to do a title for a blog. TLDR on the get go, why not?

Currently I am guarding my heart. I don't believe in words about "someone borrowed my heart and never returned it"; or "returned it in pieces"; or "I gave my heart away and never got it back". To me that is a LOAD OF BULLSHIT. He had said this: whatever that is on my social media, is me goofing around. Those are not real. We are real. OK then, what about the entry that referred to our marriage date? Wasn't that one at least not a goof off? 

My view = my heart is my heart. It is my feelings that I felt for a person who I fell in live with once, or currently, or could have been. I can give my heart away & if it's not taken care of well, I can DARN WELL TAKE IT BACK, thank you very much!

There are all sorts of men in this world, and being in a relationship with one is complicated (but maybe not as complicated for a man to be in a relationship with a woman.. haha..). 

Status quo = I am here now & I am in a safe space. I do love him, in case anyone is curious/ wondering. I still do, foolishly so. I fell in love with him. No rhyme or reason. I followed my heart, again... and I take responsibility for it. No commiserations needed.

However the love he feels for me may not be the same. I am here filling a space he thought he needed. So in principle (even though it is me in this place currently), anyone could fill this place. That is the sad part, I think. I fill a space. Gee, thanks for that. 

He had probably fallen in love with the idea... and here I must say I speculate, because he doesn't want to talk about it. In the messages he would say "we'll discuss this" but never do. Maybe a taboo subject? Or it's just something that he prefers not to discuss. Telling me that this window of discussion appear to exist, is to make me feel better... and I will be okay in a few days, or will I? How long do I go along with this? Personally, one more year. Emotionally, will I be able to cope? Maybe I would. I could also get used to the 'idea'. He has a nice family. His close friends know about us. He is not embarrassed by me in smaller circles, more or less. So there is still that teeny weensy possibility that I am wanted, or rather I do not bother him too much.

How is Princess Charlene handling this? So impossible, yet I do not want to be the person to end it. in the small little corner of my heart, I love this person still. Despite my head working in the other direction. The narrative changes if I leave. He would say = YOU left, didn't you? I let you go because you wanted it. Because it made you happy. Again, words uttered so often, I eventually believe it. That it was ME, choosing the path that makes me happy???? I am the fickle one, the unreasonable one, the impatient one, the selfish one who always want MORE, the one who bulldozes his feelings and needs, the one who neglects, and not for his lack of commitment. 

Oh dear girl, how did you get yourself into this?

He will reply: well you're the one who wanted to get married. I accommodated you didn't I? I gave you what you wanted. What more do you want from me? I just wanted a companion in my old age. He had kept saying that. More than once. I had been too enamoured to know better, or to listen with criticality. I filled a space that could have been filled by any women (in marriage or not), a great friend, a cat, or a hobby. You see that, right? How I am special in his eyes?

Looking back, I was not special to my ex. I am not special to current hubby, or am I expecting too much? I should just take it as it is, whatever 'this' is and carry on. He is a good person, and most likely will ride along with me on this journey. What more do I want? I can literally script out this phrase in his reply > it is I that wanted this, he just went along to make me happy.

Psychoanalysis = this sucks. He's a better analyser and arguer that I am/ will ever be. For me, with loved ones there is no scheme or cunning. No shield put up. What they see is what they get. I am very straightforward that way. And I will bleed profusely.

At this moment, I will play along. It's not a bad situation; could be worse. I am already justifying. How I wished I can just take this lying down, without protest. And not question things. My INFJ personality and sense of justice is too strong. By extension my girls probably should not get married, or even bother with romantic relationships. Because this person who thinks you're special/ who needs you; is very hard to find. Well I think they can try finding that person, but perhaps staying single & being able to do your own thing is not too bad either. OR am I projecting too much/ expecting unnecessarily/ too much of a fairytale believer? My boys love like me, too much and too recklessly. I hope they'll be able to recover from heartbreak rationally, and find the reasonable one at some point in their life. 

In matters of the heart, there are no specific numbers or stats or probabilities. You make the jump with some basic calculations and pray | hustle for the rest to work out. Good Luck My Girl 💗