Sakit | Pain

If only heartbreak doesn't hurt, then maybe more people will fall in love more recklessly.

"I walked under a bus, got hit by a train,

Keep falling in love, which is kind of the same,

I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane
And I felt so good
I wanna do it again"

From the song "Buses and Trains" by Bachelor Girl

Even when it hurts so bad we keep doing it with abandon.

Maybe my one true love is no longer in this realm.

Maybe I am meant to be alone.

Maybe I am supposed to take care of all the children properly before considering love again.

Maybe this is my life, enriched with everything else except a male companion.

Actually I really do not need one.

Why bother?

What hurts the most is thinking about him with another person,

Who am I to him? Just someone convenient to have around,

To wash his clothes & prepare his food?

A companion to when he's watching a movie or TV show?

I acknowledge that there must have been love before, at some point.

He may argue that he still loves me, he probably does.

The issue here is I do not believe him anymore.

It is better for me not to care at all,

than caring a lot and getting horrendously disappointed.

We can still be friends, he is always kind to all his friends.

Male or female alike.

Even if we've never married he would help if I had asked for help.

He is that sort of guy: the one wo fixes things. 

I get it, totally.

Maybe that is another reason.

In the bigger scheme of things:

It does NOT matter whether I am with him or not.

He will be him, always.

As he should.

Never change for anyone, he had said.

And I agree fully.

Remain the same please.

I will walk away.

I do not have to be here anymore.

His life is not enriched by me on his side,

or lessened  in any way by me not being there.

That is who I am, just a person who showed up & made him marry me.

But eventually became boring and uninteresting.

He can easily find 100 more interesting and younger girls than me.

Why bother controlling or asking or inquiring.

Queen control much???

Maybe my son is right: loyalty is dead

Well not for everyone. 

He (my son) was loyal,

So was I.

And so is 1 billion other people out there 

We just ended up with the disloyal ones.

Tough.

This is where my journey ends,

with male companions and husbands.

They are quite overrated.

I will be by myself and the children.

And we will enrich each others' lives in multiple ways.

Yes we will!

Cheers to a great adventure ahead 💖