Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

No matter how many times this happens, it hurts.

I can understand how certain movies focus on erasing the hurt (e.g. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), like it is some type of pimple or wart that you can zap away. I am for embracing the pain & emerging stronger on the other side. And I am glad that I can do that privately, because I am not a celebrity. I can be by myself, dressed in any way that I like, without paparazzi taking my photos or analysing every little nuance of behaviour, comparing it to my past mannerisms which I may not even know or realise I had.

Thank goodness for privacy. And being a common man. It's liberating.

Some moments I want to cry; I do remember the good times too; I do love him and in some respects care for him; and love his kindness. However the big picture is I cannot live with a person who is not loyal. It's just too much to ask of him, because she stands with the POV of men can marry 4, they can look at women, it's normal for men to want other women (and all that stuff). 

Funny that I have chosen to wake up now. I began to see my stupidity. He is not all that. He is just a person. So am I. We have been chosen to spend 5 years together and the time is now up. 

Am I a bad person for wanting to separate? Whatever. Do I care???

For my mental health I am making this choice. I cannot be here & have him slash my heart.

Too many unanswered questions. Too many suspicions. I really do not need this sort of speculative uncertainty. He clams up when certain calls come up on his phone. Or he doesn't answer it.

So be it. Please follow your heart my dear husband. I will not be here anymore the next time you turn. And I wish you the best always. You are a wonderful person & thank you for the 5 years. Toodles!