History Repeats Itself
He is a caring man, hubby is. A nice guy overall. Kind, does not scold. Patient, does not berate or raise his voice to me (or anyone, for that matter).
However the personality clashes have happened. We are not the same people and we don't really live by the same values. We coped, because we loved each other. I know I did, I accepted a lot of things which he did (e.g. turning the TV on because he wanted some sound when he sleeps vs me who sleeps in silence and darkness). We found some workarounds. Sometimes I will go and sleep in the spare room, in darkness and quiet. He has recently agreed that some days we can sleep in darkness and quiet, but asked me to wait until he dozes off before switching off the TV. Fair. That I did.
I probably should hear him out before taking drastic actions. That I will do when he returns tonight, or tomorrow? I don't know & at this point I don't really care. Men think that when they have other women their wives do not notice. I beg to differ. At some point we WILL notice. Mid-life crisis in particular, is VERY GLARING no matter how much you deny it. I must say kudos to the wives who have disciplined or forgiven or tolerated their husbands for these periods of their lives, to go on and celebrate their 30th 40th or 50th anniversary together. I am living through 2 men's 40s and 50s and not surviving the onslaught. I guess at some point they will stop, maybe at 60 or 70, or maybe even 80? Maybe there is a strategy when (young) women marry men in their 80s, so that they have their husband's full attention?
I am not young anymore, he is not either. I do try, in the circumstances, to make myself presentable and healthy at this age. He does too.
He has wondering eyes unfortunately, and sometimes this breaks my heart. I wish sometimes he could be more discreet with the beautiful women ogling especially when I am right by his side but he would say "men can look, such is our nature, it's wasted if I don't look (because she dressed up and everything)" and I have learnt to swallow my comments, look away and pretend nothing happened. No more. I will not be in that situation anymore.
As much as I love the person whom he is, his family, his kindness, I am 80% sure that I will be saying goodbye. It's an ROI thing. I am in a marriage expecting a minimum level of communication and respect. He was much better before, especially in the first year of marriage. In the 5th year, he just said "what to do, this is my wife of 5 years" and that's it. I know I am to blame too, because I am worse: I forgot the date completely. So there, I accept full blame. On the basis that he deserves so much better, I will make my way out. My time here is done.
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