I had really loved him

For all its worth, loved him I did. Despite all of his shortcomings, and oddities, and how I was treated. I had laughed off many things/ events (and comments from his younger sister & eldest niece especially), and put it down to anomalies of cultural differences, or upbringing, or eccentric behaviour, or directness of language, or perhaps even envy. Because he had accepted me as I am/ was. A divorcee with 5 children. I have a past and am weird as hell too. I had felt: now that I am married, someone's got my back. He will defend me because he loves me. I am able to face the onslaught: past, present or future with him by my side, reassuring me of my worth.

This could not have been farther from the truth: (1) that he may have been embarrassed to have married me (hence the marriage announcement was never made); (2) that he had other choices when he married me (there were many past and current loves in the shortlist); (3) that he had wanted to maintain his bachelor lifestyle and did not want to change (so he lets me do what I wanted to do, and he could do what he wanted to do; no questions asked); (4) that he had thought he rescued me from squalor and a life of vice, because I had dated a married before him, when in fact I had broken off that relationship because it was going nowhere/ it was causing unnecessary pain/ he was not ready or able to love or treat me the way I had wanted; (5) I had apparently waived a lot of my rights as a wife, given that he was super understanding with my situation (this probably requires another entry on its own).

The truth is no one deserved to be treated like I did. 

By a husband, no less.

Once he chose me as a wife, he should have cut loose all those women. I had jumped in with both feet. I did not have male backups, or other choices, or other plans, other than to love him for the rest of my life. Maybe I should have done clear goal settings using the SMART principle, maybe I should have been more prepared to be his wife, maybe I could have been a better person. The reality was: no matter how perfect or great I was, he had always loved Aiza and probably still is in love with her. He seeks attention from Che Na, his other past love. He contacts Azhani when he is lonely and keeps hundreds of her photos. I do not want to compete with these women (who served some kind of need for him); nor should I offer my self-confidence to him/ them for more bashing.

I have just rebuilt my life after the ex-husband episode. Now this. I do not need this at all.

So you can keep all the girls, continue to message anyone of interest, love as many people who you need to, seek all the attention and woo any woman who walks on earth.. I just do not care anymore.