Sepi

In Bali there is a practice called 'Nyepi' which is religious/ spiritual in nature, where silence is  offered to the Gods for humans to reflect on their time on earth (at least that's how I understood what was explained to me about 'Nyepi'). The streets will be empty; the schools offices and shops will be closed, and all local Balinese folks will stay indoors. They must whisper when they speak, even the smallest sound may attract a fine (or a side eye) for not observing 'Nyepi'.

How would I have handled Nyepi if I were to participate in it? Like my usual self, I think. I'm pretty much quiet and am comfortable in my own company; and it's only for 24 hours. That's not too bad to do, once a year. Even if it's not for religious reasons, being quiet and doing nothing can actually be good for us.  

My reflection in my quiet moments (I do this while driving home, or when driving alone, or when traveling, or whenever I am by myself): I'm my own person. I am not special or unique or beautiful in the eyes of others, but I am all that and more in my own eyes. That has to stand, no matter how delusional I may sound. Because that is one of the things keeping me upright. 

I am terribly unlucky in love, maybe because I don't know what I want. I just follow my heart recklessly, and do not heed any warnings or red flags strewn all the way from here to there! BUT I am a survivor. This I have decided for me. No matter what happens or who breaks my heart, I will take the good out of it all, and accept everything as a package. AND move on. 

So now, I am on my own, by myself. It's a comfortable place to be, for I have all the space/ room to get reacquainted with me. During my first divorce, which was a major event, as the day approached dusk I would find something to do... to avoid sinking into darkness. I found friends again, I talked to them, I sought support, made some bad decisions but turned round the corner before things get too iffy.

Now I can recognise the triggers and will immerse myself in busy-ness to avoid that 'blackhole' feeling. Loneliness and quiet can be a friend too, I we only let them 💗

She wants to see the view

Chibi my son's cat likes to sit at the second floor balcony, perhaps to see the view.

From the balcony we used to be able to see to the highway, before the condos were built. Now we see concrete and the park located right in front of our house.

Chibi would sit there for hours, looking at people and cars and birds. Sometimes if a lone lizard passes by, it will be Chibi's snack or plaything. Depending om her mood.

Chibi, as her name suggests, is petite. She is almost ten years old, but has a baby face. She had Mickey her son a couple of years ago. Mickey is a long-haired cat, unlike Chibi who is a common house cat, so I can presume that she had good taste in men/ male cats. We can only presume, because after she gave birth to Mickey we neutered her. 

Mickey disappeared a few years ago, we hope that a good family had taken him in, because he is the most patient cat ever. He is called Mickey because of his black ears and white face, just like a mouse, and my eldest son named him Mickey after the most famous mouse on earth (apart from Jerry, or Geronimo Stilton, or Pinky).

We also recite the Al-Fatihah for Robin and Nas. Robin was the wise big brother who looked after everyone's safety. He doesn't get involved in others' business, but will be there when needed. Nas on the other hand is the second brother who rebels and roams daily- we would see him early in the day then late at night when he returns home to roost. Nas disappeared, it is likely that he got into a fight with the stray dogs and didn't make it OR a happier version would be him leaving to give Robin the territory (since they were both male cats). Robin normally do not get into fights, but he was injured and fell sick at some point. Being the wise 'abang', he must have left to meet his Maker somewhere discreet, to save us from heartache and pain. 

Another cat worthy of mention was 'Tenggek' (meaning 'Perched'), a black and white cat who used to perch on our windowsill every afternoon, watching us go about our business. 'Snow' too, who was so beautiful, a stray siamese cat.

And to all the cats we have loved before, we were glad to have you with us, even for a short time.

No Longer

My dreams are no longer about falling into the endless abyss.

I used to dream that a lot, especially during high school, and occasionally when doing my degree.

When I read about dream meanings, most sites say that such dreams meant that I have an innate fear of failing (translated into 'falling endlessly' in those dreams). 

My recent dreams are more mixed. Some could be messages from above, to be careful perhaps. Some are about getting lost and eventually finding my way to places I plan to be at, or at unexpected locations. That must mean something, based on the journey I am walking currently.

No matter what my night time dreams are, the important thing is to keep going. The journey may be long, or short, or unexpected, but enjoy every moment for they are precious. 

The Other Half

Multiple research has been conducted, to show the relationship between spousal support and personal success. A supportive life partner (context: husband+wife relationship) does contribute to success such as confidence, higher earnings, career stability and growth. 

In an ideal world, all women and men deserve that support. In the real world however, this remains a dream for most people. I fully celebrate those who did it right the first time and persevered, they may likely have a beautiful lifetime together. Well, they may have their ups and downs; I cannot pretend to say everything would be smooth sailing but they worked together as a unit to overcome the challenges. Hence the operative word is 'support'. Perhaps 'loyalty' is the other word, could be 'love' too.

Sometimes I wonder what type of man would be suitable for me. I don't know how to define 'me', never mind the man who would be my suitor. Besides, there is no time left to do any more selection. Let me be happy where I am now. And that, my friends, is the truth of the matter!

My Love is Quiet

My Love is not loud

but that doesn't mean that it need not be acknowledged

I do not need validation

but I needed support and protection

To others I may have achieved things

but inside... my self-confidence bubbled, then fizzled

My Love required no pomp or splendour

but consistency, and action, and the occasional pride

expressed by the person who claim to love me

I expected loyalty

but he said I expected too much

'men are like that', he had said

they like beautiful things

and sometimes they stray

some might 'test the market'

some might do it 'just because'

My Love was serious

I was not kidding when I said I will walk away

When you make your choice, 

I am entitled to respond and make mine

My Love was served on a platter

apparently it was not good enough

or maybe the platter was not to your liking

or did not compare with past loves'

My Love was complicated

THIS, it was

maybe it was too deep

too intense

too much

too complex to handle

I no longer seek love from a man

It's just too much expectation

Too much work

Too much at stake

What is valuable now

is the love of my Maker

and love for self

and love for family

and my students

Now that's plenty of LOVE to throw around 💕

The Holy Union

When I was young, I had such a good impression of 'marriage'. My parents had a wonderful (albeit short) relationship. They were married 18 years when Baba passed away. My grandparents aunts uncles generally have lasting marriages. Maybe external families would have feigned happiness during our short visits (this is my devil's advocate mind working double time) but overall I consider marriage a good thing, a generally positive experience. One that leads to growth/ maturity/ belonging.

Now with two failed marriages, I am unable to impart the same confidence in marriage to my children or people around me. Friends are literally divided now. His side and my side. I really don't mind if they all take his side and discount me as 'too demanding'. I am an introvert and I prefer being alone than being with a lot of people, and I probably don't mind taking all the blame. 

'Marriage' cannot answer for itself, for it is the people in the marriage who will make it work. 

'Marriage' is the presence of the other through thick and thin. The promise to respect honour and cherish for life. To be a faithful companion, the keeper of all secrets and things buried deep in our hearts not meant for public consumption. To stay when things get tough. To be with each other in good and bad times. To trust that the other person will hold your heart with care and not crush it mercilessly.

'Marriage' is probably is not the answer. Rather, it is a means towards a particular end shaped by the parties in that marriage. It is mutually agreed, shaped by sheer will and resilience. 

'Marriage' done right, I believe, can be satisfying and fulfilling for both parties. How to do it right, unfortunately, to me is very much a mystery. Like Bermuda Triangle. Or Yeti. Mythical even. 

'Marriage' is not a flash in the pan, neither it is as happy as the wedding celebration that many would strenuously prepare for. I'm wondering: if people had paid more attention to the post-wedding relationship more than the wedding, would more marriages have worked out?

'Marriage' is holy, so holy that if anyone ever studied marriage properly he/she may not even try getting married. Maybe I was overly optimistic, or plain moronic to miss all the red flags. 

'Marriage' is not something that worked for me. I get bored too easily, I demand too much from my partner, I find fault, I projected my anxiety too much, I am too unstable.

'Marriage', I am sorry I could not make you/ us work out. Let me continue the rest of my journey on my own, fueled by the strength of those who have walked the path before me in solitude.

An exaggeration

 *This is a work of fiction from a troubled mind

This morning on FB Reels:

QUESTION: Is it possible for a couple to recover from infidelity?

ANSWER: There are 2 sides: the doer (D) and the recipient of the aftermath (R). The recipient struggles to 'accept'/ 'forgive' what happened and tries to put together pieces of the surrounding events. The doer suffers with remorse/ pain knowing that R has been hurt in the process. Both parties handle pain, but recovery lies mainly in the hand of the recipient: that is, if R can live with that knowledge and be 'okay' with it. Both D and R has to be ready for the past being dug up and discussed, towards mutual healing, however tiring it all could be.

My summary: I cannot ever live with pain of betrayal, nor will I be ok with it. I'm done. I might change my mind 10-20-30 years down the road, but as of now my answer is NO.

Last night a friend said "I do not subscribe to polygamy- why would a man want to take care of multiple women when taking care of one is such a chore already?"

Many men participants in the event agree to the statement, but I have further questions in my mind (wishing that I could say them out loud):

MY QUESTIONS: 

Does that stand qualify you or other men to keep candies on the side AND JUSTIFY IT by saying that "She's not going to be a second-third-fourth wife" + "I stay loyal to my wife, my one and only." 

Is emotional attachment or crush or longing necessarily better than a blatant affair OR intending to take someone as a second-third-fourth wife?

If this is the stand in many men's mind, what is their stand on emotional affairs labeled as 'just friends' + 'we have known each other for YEARS' + "there's nothing going on" + "you're just imagining things".

To me this is the most confusing thing ever. In my mind (rightly or wrongly) when a husband (or wife) pays attention and invests emotionally in another person, that husband (or wife) did not put their marriage as priority. Ergo that marriage to him (or her) was deemed unimportant, hence justifying various external relations that fulfils them emotionally but in fact they are merely time-wasters, taking away from the ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP that he/ she should have invested in in the first place!

Why did logic not prevail? Whose fault is that? Did D ever consider R's feelings at any point?

This whole thing is bloody mysterious, if you ask me 🤔

Epiphany

Mom have said to me: as a woman, look for someone who loves you more than you love him.

Because a woman can learn to love that man, and a good man is hard to find.

Did I listen? Of course NOT!

There was someone like that in my past (or maybe two). One I knew in high school but did not think too much about it, because I thought he was kidding. The second one I met during A-Levels, literally served on a platter, but I was too oblivious to it all. The second one, he was like Cary Elwes' character in the movie Princess Bride 'as you wish', or like Forrest Gump to Jenny. He would have done anything I asked, probably. However I've never tested this, because I don't do that to people. I do not lead people on except on one occasion when I asked him to accompany me for dinner, and he did. And that was that. I just didn't feel the zing and didn't feel that it was fair to string him along. He passed away a few years ago; before that he had found a lovely girl to settle down with, and had 2 sons with her. 

Instead I looked for bad boys who are smooth with their words & romanced the bejezuz out of me. What did that come to? A lot of excitement & adventure in the beginning, followed by huge disappointments. On both occasions. Apparently other women liked bad boys too. Well, they're all yours now folks!

Today, the 3-hour drive to mom's brought me an epiphany. What if my soulmate IS waiting in heaven... that's why my marriages on earth did not work out? Maybe. I really won't know, until I get to Heaven. I hope and pray that I do. My supposed soulmate had a good chance of a good afterlife and high possibility of heaven, on the basis that he was a good person through and through. How would I fare? At the very least enough for me to meet him when the time comes, I hope and pray. I have to ask him, and get it out of my system. Until then, I will keep my nose clean and take care of my health. No more relationships for sure. I can now focus on me and the children, and my career, and business.

Dull Ache

When someone leaves your life, either in death or while alive, there is this ache that you feel. Initially it would be very strong. So strong that you thought the day when you don't feel it anymore will never come. 

This is what I felt first when my Dad passed away. It was a sadness so deep that I didn't know what to do with it. I handled it with constant prayers for his wellbeing in the Afterlife, and had talked about it with my siblings. my mom too. In the moments when she felt like talking about it. It had been very difficult for her, but she decided to be strong for herself and for all of us. For that I appreciate and love her to death.

With divorce, the persons are very much alive, but dead to you for what he had done. I felt pain, and some days feel dark beyond reason. I would not suggest that death and divorce are the same. They are 2 polar opposites. The pain, however, have some similarities.

The pain descends upon you when you least expect it. You cry uncontrollably at times when experiencing a 'trigger': a shared memory or moment or photo or a statement. You feel major heartbreak when these feeling wash over you, but with time, healing happens. You accept that this person used to be in your life before, and you have learnt to let go for yourself and for him too. You realise that the Almighty has 'lent' this person to you, and you feel blessed for the time that you have had with him.

I still feel this dull ache with my second divorce. It has been six months and counting. My milestones are Year 1 and Year 2. After 2 years I'll be stable and 'normal'. I look forward to that day. 

Snow in the Sahara

Anggun's song "Snow in the Sahara" hits different now compared to before. She sang about a person who's willing to give her all to someone whom she loved, to the extent of making it snow in the Sahara. He may have lost his way, or had made some poor choices (that led him away from her), but she believed that her love will fix it all. [Girl, no matter what you do.. he will be him, I'm afraid]

Today I understood the brilliance, uniqueness and sadness of that song.

Trivia (via google): This song was written by Erick Benzi, whose most popular song was Pour que tu maimes encore (For you to love me again) sang by Celine Dion. 

Unlike Snow in the Sahara which essentially is the same in English and French, the English version titled If that's what it takes (also by Celine Dion), interestingly did not directly translate its French version (in my opinion at least). The English version captured the main theme of love and what one would do for it, but not the longing and melancholy of the French version.

[Incidentally, this is another story idea: Renee Angelil & Celine Dion vs Tommy Mottola & Mariah Carey. How 2 girls got discovered and made different choices (about their men), leading to different outcomes + relationship dynamics. Maybe they eventually become leading ladies, or assigned to work on a movie or drama together? Initially they fought but eventually warmed up to each other when they found out each others' stories].

I digress.

What I really wanted to say was: I would have done anything for him. Anything. But whatever it was that I did or promised to do, it wasn't good enough (or convincing enough) for him to let go of the others. It is what it is, no matter how heartbreaking. I say this not in the 'I-want-him-back' kind of way, but more in the 'I-know-better-now' way. Maybe he was sorry for what he did (he said he was) but the damage is done. In fact the hurt is so severe that I question my capacity to recover. 

I know things get better, and I will be okay eventually, but to start over with him is but a fraction of a glimmer of hope. For the time being we'll do our own thing. I have asked him to explore and get everyone out of his system, until he is 100% sure of me and him. If he finds someone else in the process, I will be completely happy and supportive. In fact I would really like to see who this perfect person would be. If he doesn't, he can keep looking until he does find her, or until he decides without any shadow of a doubt that it's me. That is my mindset. For healing. 💪