Moral Police

Would it be better to follow your heart even if it will hurt others?
How far will I be willing to go?
Will I be happy in the end?
Will my conscience be clear?
Will I be able to sleep easy at night?
Will I be a good example to my children & my students?

For some reason I am recalling the morality debates; individualism vs collectivism: should our actions be guided by our own instincts/ interpretetation/ moral compass or do we do something that will contribute to the greater good? What I am considering is not against the religion though. At least that one's settled.

Am I a good person? (I'd like to think so)
Why inflict the pain on someone when you have had it done unto you before?
I have experienced it first hand. The raw emotions. The anger. The feeling of betrayal. For this reason alone I should turn my heels and walk the other way.

There'll be other people in my life. My children will keep me occupied. There's also postgraduate studies to consider.

Now's the time to take ownership.
I will love myself first & foremost.
I take responsibility for my actions.
I am far from perfect but I am constantly improving.
This life is too short to ponder on what could have been.

Make a decision, forgive yourself & move along.
Better things are coming.

Channeling My Inner Princess

Sometimes a situation is not ideal. Most times you don't get to get what you want. Sometimes you have to step back and re-formulate your plan. Some days I feel like I am on top of the world and on certain odd days I can be off my game.

What is important however is to do it all with grace and class. Make your Inner Princess proud my love.

Emancipation

In the movie Tracks, after the main character Robyn lost her canine companion on her desert journey... she related to the photographer Rick Smolan her feelings:

"I'm all alone Rick"

"We all are Robyn... alone"

These 2 sentences hit me like an epiphany. Essentially we're born alone & will leave this world alone.

Now legally I am without a partner (husband) yet it is fine. I have decided that this situation is survivable. Initially completely distraught, now I find that I can handle the curveballs. No choice. I've got to.

Someone told me that she saw Mr Ex walking in public with a lady & they were intimate. In the past I would have launched a missive about morality & proper decorum for a father of five. Yesterday I was initially upset, but decided to find my centre & message him cordially. About business. No more feelings. We have poured out all the feelings in the world already. That bit is done. Over. Completely finished & concluded.

So my journey continues. I am an independent woman. Very capable, people have said. Just need to improve my confidence a tad & I'll be alright. Most importantly, I have decided to thrive. No more manic accusations or guilt trips or excess baggage.

Let's draw the right kind of love into our lives, shall we?

From the Outside Looking in

Having had the benefit of hindsight, I am now able to see the situation as it is. The mistakes I've made. The things he could've done right. The things BOTH of us could have done to recover or at least remedy the situation, if it was at all possible.

What would happen to me if I had stayed married to him? Probably I'll be a fat miserable old woman. Now I'm just old & sometimes miserable. Haha.

Now it occured to me that things have somewhat worked out for the best. Not ideal, but workable. Some level of respect still remains, we both decided to act in the children's best interest, and he is free to pursue whoever he thinks is the perfect woman who can give him endless bliss (not me!).

What do I do now? Frankly I don't know. There is still some 'lost soul' left in me, still wondering what to do with my life. However once the shackle is removed I feel unburdened... and free... it is quite exhilarating!

Let me just do this for myself. For once in my adult existence I am not seeking his advice on what to do. Goodbye to our plans.. Welcome to MY new plans. The drawing board is all yours my love *hugss*

Becoming Real

A couple of days back we had some scholarship interviews involving 6 students. Two particular candidates got our attention. Regular kids, they were. Yet despite their age, they're matured by personal experiences. One being a slow learner had to work doubly hard to understand the concepts we regular people get the first time. The other experienced a sudden loss of a close family member weeks before a major exam.

They had related their stories almost matter-of-fact. That whatever happened had happened. Nothing they could have done about it. What they CAN do however is to fight for what they wanted in life. And we could see that the experiences changed them for the better. They were moulded into responsible young adults, ready to carry the weights of the world on their shoulders.

Hardships can shake our foundation & scare the living bejesus out of someone. However if such issues are handled with a calm mind & a willing heart, they can be overcome. The payout? A cleansed soul... pure and real. No airs, no chips on the shoulder, no blame. Life is what it is. We can't copy others as we all get different test papers.

We came out of the interviews inspired. Hardships happen for a reason. It is how we handle the situation that makes us a better person. Note to self: I can do this too. Small matter in comparison.

Decide to live... and learn... and survive. Will do my best.

Universal Definition of Beauty

Ariana Miyamoto from the Nagasaki prefecture will be representing Japan to the Miss Universe competition this year. The Japanese folks are generally not too happy with the selection, as she is of mixed marriage & apparently not Japanese enough to represent the country.

While I haven't watched many Miss Universe or Miss World competitions, it would appear that internationally accepted definitions of beauty still rings true.. someone tall, with a sharp nose, beautiful teeth, slender body.. and mostly caucasian in feature.. hence I would not be bothered to watch a show with such a narrow definition of beauty.. Yes OF COURSE they have some talent and OF COURSE they look good in a swimsuit and an evening dress and OF COURSE they are articulate... but still a huge part of the vote depends on her looks & how well she represents the Miss Universe or Miss World brands (whatever does that mean..??)

Not sure if any Asian has won such competitions.. as our features may not appeal to the worldwide audience (... how else would we explain the dearth of Asian-looking models/ characters on print, catwalks, TV and the movies?).

Back to Ms Miyamoto.. I do wish her the best for pushing through and wanting to represent Japan. Why you say? Why not? I'm sure she loves the country, having grown up there & is extremely proud to be the face of Japan. May the best (looking) woman wins!

Exit Clause

Why so some people choose to cohabit or just date, instead of marrying?
Maybe perhaps the price is just too high to pay if they were to be married?

Well, research has shown that people in a marriage perform better at work compared to their single or unmarried counterparts.

I would agree that the vow gives a certain level of inner peace & security (... and perhaps self-confidence too) to do well at work. I felt that when I was married. To some extent I miss the security & the feeling of comfort.. that someone will always be there for you... for sure. Your very own cheerleader... your rock... someone who'll wish you well & accepts you for who you are...

If I had the chance to do it all over again, what changes would I make? In honest truth if I had known all these facts about marriage I would probably remain single for the rest of my life.  There's a joke that's been circulating in social media: marriage is when a woman choose to give up the attention of many men to subject herself to the criticism of one man. Agreed. 200%.

HOWEVER, mum & my late dad had shown me what a wonderful marriage is like... that is what I would strive for the next time I take a hit, if ever it happens. If only there is an exit clause for marriages. If it doesn't work there's a button I could press to exit. No explanations required. Is that considered giving up? Maybe... but I wished that button HAD been there during my marriage with Mr Ex... because I overstayed far too long.

Perhaps what women need are courageous men... who makes the vow & sticks with you no matter what... because he promised... regardless of how many women seduces him, or are more beautiful @ attractive than the wife. The world WOULD be a better place if we had more men like that.