Insecurity

Depending on the perspective one takes, I am either a reasonably successful person or a struggling single mother. I prefer the former. I am a survivor. I can do this single mother business and take care of my children and handle my work AND excel.

So why on earth do I long for male attention? Because it is natural to feel that way, and I will leave it at that.

Deep inside I am still a little girl who is awkward and afraid to face the world.

Outwardly I am fine actually. Confident. Smart. Purposeful.

So I will be that person regardless of my battles with my self-esteem.

Until We Meet Again

Currently are we on a hiatus?
Not quite sure.
Maybe we are because we are both super busy.
Doing very important things.
Well more him than me.
My stuff are pretty routine & repetitive.
Not quite as exciting as his events.

Feeling a bit sad being ignored.
Well I'm not really being ignored actually.
Just respected for my time (probably).
Do I wait?
Do I say hi?
Do I apologise?
What do I do now?
Why do I feel so *blech*?
Why do I feel uncertain (on the next step)?

What would a mature reasonable beautiful woman do in my position?
Let it blow over probably.
Let him have his space.
There are many fabulous things that needed attending to.
Including papers to mark (this is a never ending story!)

I will maintain my cool
This is nothing
I will be alright
And survive another day :)

Enthusiasm

How do the girls or the teachers of Mallory Towers return to the school year after year after year and not feel bored or reluctant?

Perhaps it is the LONG summer holidays?

After a long well-earned holiday I would think every child and teacher and parents would be eager for school to start.

As for us, the multiple semester system is draining, to say the least.

We would like to be more prepared, more eager, more responsive, more supportive.

Alas, this is the time and opportunity we have been given. We'd like to think that we have done our best within the constraints.

Context: One class just finished their semester this week and next week my new class starts, when I was just planning the revision support for the class that ended. I haven't even finished marking their assignments yet!

In the words of Mika though (since I have been watching his videos lately) Relax, Take it Eeeeaasy...!

I will do that. This is but a phase. Lethargy.

Time will pass and there will upcoming holidays when I can recharge. Be with the children. Cook. Eat. Workout. Date (perhaps?). Let's live for those days.

When the coin is flipped, we do get to enjoy flexibility in our work hours. We meet students from many different countries. We have access to great library books and online materials. AND the work is not as hectic as legal practice. So I will suck it in and survive. I promise!

WYSIWYG

WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get

This is me & no one can hold me back anymore.
Previously I was sheltered then I was controlled.
Now I have broken free.

Still need some tact in my communications.
Still spoke much much much too early before I think.
Still the awkward little girl in a deceivingly confident-looking grown woman's body.

No more hiding.
Or pretending.
I am unmasked.
This is who I really am.

Who will I be next?
Still essentially me I hope.

There is a lot more ground to cover.
In how much time, it is anyone's guess.
I will take as much time as I am allowed.
To be the best me I can be.

Life's Intricacies

Sometimes you get attention from a lot of people, none of whom you like.

Sometimes you have a crazy crush on someone, but he doesn't feel the same about you.

Sometimes you love someone but there is no way on earth it could work out.

Sometimes you are in love but you just keep on waiting for something more to happen.

Sometimes it is probably better to just go with it, rather than thinking too much.

Sometimes it is better to walk away, because you keep hitting the wall too many times.

Wait, push for it, pursue it- what is best?

Sometimes I insist, very adamantly.

Sometimes (Most times rather) I walk away, for self-preservation.

At times you just gotta let things be and let Allah work His magic.

Thinking of You

Right now I'm learning to balance my feelings. Not to long for his presence too much. Not to miss him too much. It should be just nice & just right. (I don't even know what I am talking about).

Starting to be more secure in this relationship. He loves me in his own way yet I know he cares. He's sweet that way.

Our promise is to be loyal. I do hope he keeps his end of the bargain. At this stage (or at any stage for that matter) if he falls in love with another, I am willing to let go of him in a heartbeat. No questions asked.

What is love? Am I ready? I remain my sloppy easygoing (but sometimes whiny) self. I hope he sees me more for my good qualities.

The next question is: how far will we take this? I would like to love him for the rest of my life, if it is possible. If is is not, then I'll pray for his happiness & be on my way.