The Greatest

R Kelly sang the song "The Greatest" to celebrate the late Muhammad Ali's achievements. Looking at the lyrics, I can probably understand why people would want to boost themselves up that way, especially those involved in competitive sports.

As for me, I have reached a serious rut in my profession and no amount of pick me up or boosting could push me further.

Is it time to quit (teaching) and do something else?

BIG question. HUGE in fact.

Next question: what do I do if I quit? (Where's my safety net?)

If only I am interested in driving a truck like Madir.. I would probably apply for that job and drive lorries for a living. My mom would probably die of a heart attack.

Right now the "plan" (transient as it may be), is to take a sewing class & do some products that can be sold online. Well it is a plan nevertheless.

Please sit down and work things through.
May I be granted the strength to carry on.
For my sanity & for the children's sake.

Friend Zone

S and I are now friends. After all that. After what we went through.

Who declared it? I did.
Because I felt that I was not ready.
Because he didn't give an impression that he was.
Because I do not want to be the unreasonable person pressuring him to change and adapt to my whims (he said).

I kinda decided: let's not be that person anymore.
Let's not be the dopey lovey individual who keeps waiting for something ..
A proposal? A meeting with my mom? An announcement in the alumni page?

Stop.
Be friends.
Be totally okay with everything that he says & does.
Zero expectation.

Full Circle

Last year we started our relationship. For our first date we went for a movie & had supper at 7-Eleven before the show.

During that time I realised how comfortable it was to be in S' company, with no words exchanged. He calms me down.

This year he was the first to wish me happy birthday followed by a phrase that he will be with me always. A sweetheart in every way.

One day passed since we changed our relationship status "significant other" to "friend". I did msg him just now to ask how he was doing. May he achieve much happiness and joy and beauty in his life.

Nothing to See

Who do you call when you have issues at 1.25 am in the morning? Nobody.
Aaarggggghhhh!!!

Just calm down, brush your teeth, solat then sleep.

So if she is courting him or vice versa, so be it. All cards on the table. It is clear cut & it explains a whole LOT of things.

He was waiting for Ms Perfect who is indeed perfect to settle down. Why am I the idiot hanging around for? Move on. Heal. Slap the band aid on and bloody move on with your life. At least you're not bleeding to death.

He called. What do I do now? Trust? Break free? Am I expecting too much?

I have no freaking idea.

Happiness

S had asked me to be less sad. Be happy, he says.

At this moment I am just yo-yo(ing) between happy and lonely and sad and ecstatic. Don't ask because it just cannot be explained.

Feeling really sleepy todayyyyyy. (Help me!)

Being in Love

Why am I too sensitive when it comes to territory? S made a joke in the larger alumni group, saying that he's single & hinting to be introduced to a particular girl. Lo and behold I felt myself screaming on the inside "what about me???"

After the episode with Mr Ex, I have a very clear stance on infidelity. I will not tolerate it. Joking about it is also in bad judgment & I can't seem to accept any part if it. I feel that S cares, he is not playing around & I feel that he his loyal to me.

For now I will let it pass. Keep my distance & carry on with my public persona (haha..)

Shelter Me From The Storm

If your boyfriend claims to be single, do you then have a "relationship"?

Why do I feel hurt when S jokes openly about being single?

Why no mention of me in any context of conversation?

Who am I to him really?

He declared & embraced his singlehood with pride. Like it is a status symbol.

Maybe I should just ignore him. Forever.

Let it go and live my life.

He probably won't ever settle down, looking at his current pattern of behaviour.

In the meantime I would need to keep him around. That's handy to have because people think that we're dating & it saves me from unwanted attention.

Good night to the gorgeous you.

Analysis

The thing about analysis is how anal it is.

So when it comes to this relationship I will not question it or debate it or unpack/ unravel it in any way anymore. Because I am tired. Tired presenting it, tired reviewing it, tired trying to push us to move forward.

If this moment is as close as we'll ever get to matrimony or a life together, so be it. Close yet it remains elusive & outside my grasp.

I just have to wait till June 2017 and until then I have to take care of myself. Easy enough right? Focus on the more important things. Clean the house more often & you will have more reason to stay at home with the children.

Confidence

In the event of a self-esteem emergency, please deploy one or more of the following:
01) Your bestest most vibrant smile you can pull off
02) Apply lip gloss & red wine lipstick
03) Colours, colours and colours in your outfit
04) A spring in your steps
05) Inhale and exhale & think of a happy wonderful place/ moment
06) Hug the children
07) Count your blessings and thank Allah for every day that you're alive
08) Check out your good feelings archive and recall the fun happy moments
09) Remember that you are in love with a wonderful man (and he loves you back many times more)
10) Go to your girlfriends and vent (or act silly or laugh or cry)

This is my moment and I own EVERY MINUTE of it!