Saturday, December 31, 2016

Hope

If only life is as easily sorted out as fairy flying lessons with a little bit of faith, trust and pixie dust. Well it ain't.

We can only hope and pray for the best.
That what we had planned will work out.
That the person you love will love you back (and stay).
That we would have made the right decisions guided by gut feelings & in certain cases, pure bravado.
That we would be happy with and accept the outcome of all our choices.

I can't control who he choose to be with. Or whether he loves me or anybody else. Or whether we would one day have any semblance of marital relationship.

... but I can promise that I will take care of myself, to be jovial, to guard my heart, to be independent and to be absolutely stoically unequivocally strong-willed.

There are still LOTS to do with the children. Take heart and be courageous my love. Your time will come and it'll be glorious. #LoveIsGreat

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Time Out

Taking a step back is interesting. Life stays the same yet it is a tad different.

I have figured out that one sure way to scare a man is to mention the M word. They'll flee the other way never to be seen again.

Why not. Let's not get married EVER. Let's just date until we get mindlessly bored of each other.

Why am I so interested in marriage? Perhaps because I like the security. Having someone who cares for you and wonders how you're doing from time to time.

Keeping a distance is good. Focus on me. Silence. See him when you do feel like it. Or don't see him at all. No pressure.

Heart, please be super strong to survive yet another episode of isolation. You can do this my dearest!

Thursday, December 08, 2016

Paradise

Being happy is a state of mind. Because the situation is far from ideal. Because the one you love may or may not love you back. Because things might not go the way we planned. Because Allah has better plans for us.

So right about now I feel happy & blessed & also sad at the same time. It is completely alright I suppose. Not the first time. Life is like this. I will embrace the emotions in every fibre of my being. And live the best life I can with tears in my eyes & with a heart so full of endless love. * BIG SMILE *

Loop the Loop

Here we go again for the umpteenth time, me for the most part placed too much hope and held myself out too much... and had the hopes dashed yet again.

Just stop will you please? Stop the personal abuse because you are way better than this.

Rise up. Live a proper, God-fearing life and focus on the important things. Like family. And career, to some extent.

Maybe I am too immature and not ready for this. I'd like to reflect and not feel anything. Be completely objective. And not have any vested interest. And be completely alright. And not transfer my misery to anybody (except a certified psychologist, perhaps). Because the outcome is too uncertain,

Relax. Let's be completely okay with things. Respect myself and preserve my sanity.

Sunday, December 04, 2016

About Me

If you plan to be with me, you might as well know me better.

My house rises early. Well the younger ones do. They wake up and play or read or watch their movies on the TV downstairs. These days they would also feed the cats & kittens. And they usually would wake me up too. The elder ones tend to sleep in more & tend to need a lot of persuasion to be woken up.

I will be up early on most days unless I have stayed up late the night before. This is why I don't really like night outings, unless I can return home reasonably early and have my 5 hours of sleep.

I do get cranky if I don't sleep well. By now you may already know that I have a temper issue that flares up once in a while. I'd like to be more patient, I think I'm working on it, but it is difficult. However one day I would like to be like you. Calm and Patient.

For the most part I am a very competitive person, and I hate being compared to anyone in any way unless you want to say that I am as beautiful or more accomplished than so and so.. then I will take it. This type of comparison is most welcome but never lie. Don't lie to make me feel better or on the pretext to protect my feelings. I know a fake person from a mile away- never be that person. Give me the truth at all times, no matter how cold, hard or bitter it is. Trust me, I can take it.

Please take care of my heart and I will take care of yours. I am probably the most loyal person on earth when it comes to romantic relationships and I do not have to do this if I do not want to. So do you. I know and I am willing to love you now, and recognise at the same time that another woman may sweep you off your feet & you may forget all about me. Refer to the previous paragraph. Tell me the truth and let me go. I will respect you all the more for it.

Golfer Wannabe

The three of us have started going to the driving range to hit some shots. I have gone twice and  starting to have a feel on how golf is played.

It is not an easy game contrary to what people may think. It kinda requires precision and posture to hit them balls.

Saturday, December 03, 2016

Ownership

One peculiar thing happened recently. A colleague who was asked to do a lesson outline declined the task, citing "I must remember my place". We're looking at a task that benefits the university as a whole & probably contributes directly to "institutional development" in the staff appraisal form, and she declined citing a very unique reason.

Well I am unsure of what is happening in the upper echelons of management, but how come inter-faculty collaborations seem a bit more challenging to do these days?

Perhaps, as a measure of self assessment, I would probably look at the way the instruction was handed down. Was it via her immediate superior? Was it done in a way that says 'Do it' (short of gun being pointed to the head) OR was it through her HoD with a mention of "May we please enlist your member of staff for a university-wide initiative/ project?".

If done in a take-it-for-granted-that-she-would-do-it way, it probably can cause some issue with her HoD and resistance kicks in. But then again, this is a speculation. So at the end of the day, I become the lucky person who will develop that subject & be volunteered perhaps yo become one if its first teachers. Lucky me.

QC Pants

There's this pair of pants that I use to measure fatty deposits around the thighs and tummy. Once in a while (say fortnightly) I would wear it to remind myself about my weight. Because I hate going on the scales and be told my weight. So if the QC pants are super tight I will increase the workouts and manage my diet. So far it has worked quite well in reminding me to maintain a certain weight.

Looping

Letting go of a lover is, both in principle & in practice, really hard to do. You go through denial and forgiveness and anger/feeling upset. Lo and behold, 3 to 6 months down the road, you won't even remember him anymore.

I would love to reach that point.
Sadly I have just crossed the midpoint and have yet to reach shore.

Still asking myself 'Will he, or will he not?'
Now it doesn't matter.
Remain friends. That's a safe status quo, is it not?