Thursday, June 29, 2017

Nine Lives

Last night I ran over Peanut Butter (PB), one of our resident stray kitten. It is probably more like a teenage cat by now, actually. We feed her cat food & she comes and goes as she pleases.

Well the macabre thing was that I heard a faint 'pop' sound, like I had ran over a plastic bag which still had some air inside it. Little did I know that it was probably me running over one part of PB's body *shriek* *gasp* *oh noooo*

As my car entered the driveway we saw her behind the car circling and gurgling- it looked as if she was chasing after her tail countless times. Since it was night time, I didn't see the blood or her mouth that gaped open.

Early this morning I had a morning class & saw that she is still alive. What a survivor. Our neighbour brought her to the vet and PB is staying there overnight. Tomorrow morning the vet will be stitching her mouth & hopefully everything will be well.

So this episode tells me that cats probably do have 9 lives & my car over PB probably took 3 away. I hope she lives to be old enough to tell her children about cars & drivers like me. As of now I am still perhaps in shock by what happened & completely overrun with guilt. My daughter the sweetheart sent me messages to assure me that it is okay, that I hadn't meant it. She had searched the internet for ways to treat the cat or make it at least a little comfortable.

Lesson learnt: please pay attention when driving- the driveway may not be completely clear of obstacles (or pets!).

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Independence

At 43, there are a few issues that needs to be handled by individuals like me: like living on my own, earning an income, raising small children into good responsible adults, loneliness, some sadness (hopefully not depression), facing my fears in relation to so many things, distrust, self-confidence, disappointment, hope (in vain or otherwise), goals, fears and more fears.

So this is life. It is not (never) easy but it is an excellent training ground.

One day this will all unravel & we come before Allah to answer for all our actions. That's it really.

Baseline Weird

In a relationship (marriage?), 2 people with different personalities and upbringing have to be together held by a bond called love. What makes them stay (a while or longer or forever)? What makes them grow apart? Will the love ever be strong enough? Once the love fades will certain couples be compelled to stay due to a sense of duty?

My personal theory is that in a parental bond (mother/ father to child) it remains unbroken & solid, especially between mother and child. Child to parent may not be as strong. Between siblings less strong perhaps. Between husband and wife- least strong. I can't picture myself ever being in that trusting long term relationship ever again. Why? Maybe I just can't make someone happy ever again.

Do I self-sabotage? Perhaps I do. 

He is a wonderful person who seems very comfortable with his current life. I can't impose. I do not want to. He has to decide what he wants to do with me. I do not want to wait indefinitely. Nor do I want to keep pushing for something that he would rather not commit to.

Whatever it is the outcome, there are no regrets. We have experienced love and did the best we could. That's it really. Whatever happens next will happen.

Hari Raya 2017

We do the same usual stuff for Hari Raya and this year we did the same.

The trip home, the visits to family, the food, the fireworks, new clothes.

This year we stayed at my mom's. Usually we'll be renting a place somewhere for a few days to cover for the 'overflow' of people in the main house. This year we decided (on S' recommendation) to be with everybody else, immerse ourselves in the experience & slept on the floor.

It was good to say the least. I got to help my mom, who I think is the tiredest person in the house. My cousin came a couple of times to help cook & clean (she lives nearby and does that sometimes). The great thing this year is that my children are pretty independent (especially the little ones) and I didn't have to attend to them too much.

Raya outfits were gifts from my brother and my mom, which is kinda good (because I didn't know what to buy or wear).

One of my uncles was sick at the hospital and we visited him. He misses home but has to stay at the hospital for 14 days for his antibiotic injections. His children took turns to take care of him but on the first Raya somehow they all left to their in-laws respective places and his eldest daughter traveled from Penang to accompany him. That's not too bad, because someone is there with him. This particular uncle is my late father's younger brother and I always always always picture my late father (had he grown old with us) to have looked like him (my uncle).

These are regular ho-hum stuff for me, but somewhat memorable for my children (I think) because they talk about it from time to time. The moments when they played fireworks, or playing hide-and-seek with their cousins, or the public lake with playground where they go to practically every morning (except Hari Raya morning). My eldest has gone on to college and the second one will be registering for college on 10 July, Soon my daughter with finish her exams & by this time next year she will be off somewhere for her studies. (Empty Nest Syndrome anyone?)

When the elder ones leave I will have the tiny ones still with me for another couple of years and when they do leave, I will probably sell the house to one of them & travel the world. How's that for a plan? Sounds feasible. Not planning to take care of any grandchildren (thank you very much).

In the meantime I will enjoy my Hari Raya breaks & time with family as much as I can. May we all be granted good health and good memory to cherish these short brief moments.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Youth Aggression

There are 2 videos in life that I wished I hadn't watched: one is the beheading of Daniel Pearl and the second, the video of some school bullies beating up their helpless counterpart (commentary in https://my.theasianparent.com/malaysian-bullying-video-gone-viral/).
As a mother who is raising 5 children, I feel for the person who was beaten up, like he was one of my own. He covered his head and did not respond or fight back as he was kicked and punched. I guess he understood in his own way the primal need of bullies to take control & not be objected to in any way, lest he (they) may be inflamed by retaliation. So much of work is put in to raise one child & here is he is, beaten up by idiots.

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WATCHING THE VIDEO IF YOU ARE AS FAINTHEARTED AS ME, AND JUST BE HAPPY WITH READING ITS COMMENTARY IN THE WEB LINK (ABOVE).

In recent months, Malaysians were shook to the core from the deaths of 2 young individuals: Zulfarhan Osman Zulkarnain (21) and T. Nhaveen (19) due to excessive beatings, allegedly at the hands of their peers (http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/malaysia-police-investigate-alleged-bullying-death-murder-48076052).

I wished that youngsters and teens would resort to better ways to express their feelings (like taking up martial arts & beating people up the legal way), instead of taking someone's life in their hands. Granted, the perpetrators may not have intended to kill anyone. However, they may not have realised that the total impact of a few hundred blows can actually maim or cause death due to brain trauma or punctured organs or even organ failure (this is from my limited understanding from having studied criminal law & from watching CSI, not from any medical or forensic background obviously!).

Amongst my peers (especially males), there is this casual feeling about 'bullying'. In a way they see it as a rite of passage somewhat. My younger brother was 'bullied' while in boarding school. Apparently most seniors do it (because they can) and there is no point telling anybody because you'll be ostracised (or bullied) even more.

Personally I was lucky to not have experienced any physical bullying, but had a bit of verbal abuse here and there while growing up (which some people say may be worst)."Mean Girls" ring any bell? Went through that especially in the early part of my high school & when I scored high marks in the exams and was moved to a better class that kinda shut everybody up. I am happy to report that I survived & grew up to be a reasonably well-adjusted individual.

At what point does 'bullying' become wrong? Or is it wrong from the get-go? Looking at the definitions by psychologists, it is not at all encouraged at any degree. At what point does 'banter' turns into bullying? When there is physical harm? Or emotional hurt? For me at least, it is not easy to define. Perhaps what I can offer from my limited understanding is: Bullying is when the human dignity is affected. It becomes uncool when someone is injured emotionally or physically (regardless of degree, whether minor or major) as a result. It could happen with or without any intention to maim or injure... and the impact may last for a lifetime (this is based on personal account).

Another fearful thing is that in certain cases the bullies appear completely innocent and model citizens, which boggles the mind. In some cases perhaps we have become de-sensitised after playing violent online games (like GTA for example, whereby you (I) don't think much about yanking someone out of his car or beating up a grocer) or watching a certain number of Hollywood movies or wrestling matches... but then these are just speculations of my own.

At the end of the day, I do hope that the authorities do take swift action that will send a strong message that bullying is not okay. It is counter-productive and harmful and inhumane. There has to be a proper SOP as well in schools/ learning institutions, on how to handle bullying cases, instead of hoping that they'll beat each other up outside the school compound & letting the police handle it.

Focus

Signing up on blogger, I usually get distracted with blogger news.

People more famous & with better focus and USP for the blogs.

This is what I noticed: there HAS to be a USP.

What is it that I offer that is useful to others?

What would attract people to read and follow what I write?

How would reading my blog change their lives in any way? By providing whimsical distraction? By improving their language skills? By learning something new? By humouring them?

THINK and FOCUS: What do I have to offer?

This is My Territory

Being friends with many people is joyful and rewarding... and it fills up the feel-good account.

However in my 43 years of life I have learnt that with friendship, one should not be too familiar. Always have that little gap (of doubt, or personal space) to keep yourself in check. NEVER offer advise that is not sought. ALWAYS seek to understand, before you may be understood.

Wise words, from wise people of old.

I am lucky to have great wonderful friends, some of whom I probably trust with my life. I say probably because we have not been tested in such a way & given a choice, I'd rather not be tested like that, thank you very much.

Friends are not family or sibling who will love you no matter what. There is a limit to the closeness or high regard or the pedestal they place you on.

So, my general advice (to conclude) is: Know Your Place. High and mighty is not the way to go with friends. Seek the level of comfort & STAY THERE. Do not push the boundaries and never overstay your welcome. Whatever happens, always consider their actions came from a place of love and think well of everybody.

If that is not the way to live, then what is?

Saturday, June 03, 2017

What's Up?

Facebook Status: Love Them or Hate Them?
His poems are about long lost unrequited love- and I LOATHE THEM because they appear to be dedicated to someone else.

Losing Autonomy in a Relationship is not at all fun.

Is he for the long run or just a moment's pleasure?

What I am not seeing that other people will be able to spot in mere seconds?

Take a step back. Keep a Distance. (Do I really3 want this? Does he?)

Will we make each other happier? I don't know now.

However, now I am better prepared to face this (whatever THIS is).

I will keep my head up high & keep moving. Stop pondering & GET GOING.