The Strangest Thing
Woke up this morning not quite settled.
Thought I would be okay with all this, but apparently not.
My friend marrying a married man is not okay with me.
However, since she has made her choice, I will acknowledge and respect it.
How she will handle her children, her life, her social media channels, her/ his scheduling, her acceptance of the first wife (who doesn't know of her existence), her overall emotions- will be up to her. I will Let This One Go. Drop it. I shall not carry her (well I never have, but you know what I mean). No longer will I entertain her issues. Or grouses. Or anything, really. And no longer will I share my deepest thoughts or concerns with her. In a way this is me mentally saying goodbye to you my friend. I hope you find the happiness that you seek.
I'm sure once the honeymoon period is over she will have her own battles to fight, and I hope/pray that she will have the strength to move along. Because I will choose not to get involved. Even as she updates about her meeting his brothers and new MIL, I did not and cannot bring myself to comment. Hence stay away I shall.
I could of course harp to S and express how I feel to him, but it would be immaterial.
This is where I stand strong and move forward. Drop the unnecessaries & focus on my own life. My own children & sweethearts. My own direction, and to some extent my principles too.
With S he is quite clear on my stand & that need not be repeated ad nauseum.
Be loyal or be alone.
This is such a hard way to approach life, but when it comes to monogamy & husband-wife loyalty I am a huge advocate of it. Bar none.
One time when I dated N, we considered marriage & me sharing him with others but that was a terrible idea. If there is one formula to crash and burn, this was IT.
There was no way for me to escape unscathed, or to be happy/ settled for that matter.
That he loves and is in a relationship with other women, while in a loving relationship with me is too mind-blowing for my small mind to accept. Let me just handle 1 man and 5 children, and please do not throw in other women or children in the mix THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Unless some exceptions apply, some listed below & of course are not exhaustive, there is no actual reason for me to grab someone's husband:
1- when I have exhausted the list of single or divorced men, and they either are uninterested in marrying me no matter what I do, or are complete good-for-nothing bums of the earth, that the only available choice are married men; or
2- when the first wife consents and is aware and is okay with my existence and my marrying her husband & we can come to an acceptable arrangement (pre-nup & post-nup agreements come to mind); or
3- if the first wife is sick/ infirm and unable to cater to her husband's needs, and he doesn't want to abandon her, and I happen to be the only available person who will be able to cater for his needs in this whole entire planet (or the country lah, at least); or
4- he can justify to my mother, my children, my siblings, the society, his other families, his wife: that our marriage will be a good enough reason to bulldoze through everybody else's feelings; or
5- that I am satisfied that his love for me is based on pure heart/ caring+gentle nature/ genuine need to protect a woman and her children an d not purely for the physical aspects (should test this theory at 65, if I am still available); or
6- the only way to seek God's Mercy is marrying another woman's man & by no other way; or
7- someone can show me proper research with focus groups and interviews, that the other women and children are not affected by polygamy (or at least proving that they are able to rise above it and not let it get to them); or
8- if the man has done proper warning and mitigation before our marriage: I would suggest that the woman be pre-warned that there will be this probation period where he is thinking of marrying another & she has a chance to persuade him otherwise. And he has to reciprocate by treating her as if she is his new and true love. And after all that he/ she/ they STILL thinks that he should marry another; or
9- when I can honestly and truly convince myself and believe that this whole thing is alright and there is nothing else that I could do to better fill my time on earth; or
10- when my heart and emotion and gut feeling accepts this, sans (mental) kicking/ screaming in protest
Then & Only Then will I consider marrying someone's husband (if one or more of the above situations apply).
This is my mental state: To avoid trouble and focus on enriching myself.
Unless the person completely has no choice & the marriage is her way out of something worse.
Then go ahead. Do It. And accept/ embrace EVERYTHING that comes with the man she will.
Thought I would be okay with all this, but apparently not.
My friend marrying a married man is not okay with me.
However, since she has made her choice, I will acknowledge and respect it.
How she will handle her children, her life, her social media channels, her/ his scheduling, her acceptance of the first wife (who doesn't know of her existence), her overall emotions- will be up to her. I will Let This One Go. Drop it. I shall not carry her (well I never have, but you know what I mean). No longer will I entertain her issues. Or grouses. Or anything, really. And no longer will I share my deepest thoughts or concerns with her. In a way this is me mentally saying goodbye to you my friend. I hope you find the happiness that you seek.
I'm sure once the honeymoon period is over she will have her own battles to fight, and I hope/pray that she will have the strength to move along. Because I will choose not to get involved. Even as she updates about her meeting his brothers and new MIL, I did not and cannot bring myself to comment. Hence stay away I shall.
I could of course harp to S and express how I feel to him, but it would be immaterial.
This is where I stand strong and move forward. Drop the unnecessaries & focus on my own life. My own children & sweethearts. My own direction, and to some extent my principles too.
With S he is quite clear on my stand & that need not be repeated ad nauseum.
Be loyal or be alone.
This is such a hard way to approach life, but when it comes to monogamy & husband-wife loyalty I am a huge advocate of it. Bar none.
One time when I dated N, we considered marriage & me sharing him with others but that was a terrible idea. If there is one formula to crash and burn, this was IT.
There was no way for me to escape unscathed, or to be happy/ settled for that matter.
That he loves and is in a relationship with other women, while in a loving relationship with me is too mind-blowing for my small mind to accept. Let me just handle 1 man and 5 children, and please do not throw in other women or children in the mix THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
Unless some exceptions apply, some listed below & of course are not exhaustive, there is no actual reason for me to grab someone's husband:
1- when I have exhausted the list of single or divorced men, and they either are uninterested in marrying me no matter what I do, or are complete good-for-nothing bums of the earth, that the only available choice are married men; or
2- when the first wife consents and is aware and is okay with my existence and my marrying her husband & we can come to an acceptable arrangement (pre-nup & post-nup agreements come to mind); or
3- if the first wife is sick/ infirm and unable to cater to her husband's needs, and he doesn't want to abandon her, and I happen to be the only available person who will be able to cater for his needs in this whole entire planet (or the country lah, at least); or
4- he can justify to my mother, my children, my siblings, the society, his other families, his wife: that our marriage will be a good enough reason to bulldoze through everybody else's feelings; or
5- that I am satisfied that his love for me is based on pure heart/ caring+gentle nature/ genuine need to protect a woman and her children an d not purely for the physical aspects (should test this theory at 65, if I am still available); or
6- the only way to seek God's Mercy is marrying another woman's man & by no other way; or
7- someone can show me proper research with focus groups and interviews, that the other women and children are not affected by polygamy (or at least proving that they are able to rise above it and not let it get to them); or
8- if the man has done proper warning and mitigation before our marriage: I would suggest that the woman be pre-warned that there will be this probation period where he is thinking of marrying another & she has a chance to persuade him otherwise. And he has to reciprocate by treating her as if she is his new and true love. And after all that he/ she/ they STILL thinks that he should marry another; or
9- when I can honestly and truly convince myself and believe that this whole thing is alright and there is nothing else that I could do to better fill my time on earth; or
10- when my heart and emotion and gut feeling accepts this, sans (mental) kicking/ screaming in protest
Then & Only Then will I consider marrying someone's husband (if one or more of the above situations apply).
This is my mental state: To avoid trouble and focus on enriching myself.
Unless the person completely has no choice & the marriage is her way out of something worse.
Then go ahead. Do It. And accept/ embrace EVERYTHING that comes with the man she will.
posted by elya at 8:34 am
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