Walking Away

It's not that I don't love you. I did, but I didn't feel the love reciprocated.

Che Na, Aiza & Azhani aside, I had felt your reluctance to announce our marriage.

I initially thought you wanted to give my children space to accept you in their lives.

And since you have been single all your life, I had tried to empathise: maybe you may have felt uncomfortable approaching the next phase of life being "tied down" (for want of a better word).

I had waited patiently; given you all the space you wanted and needed. There were talks that we will do a wedding reception. Nothing fancy, just food & friends getting together to eat at our house, or under a tent. We didn't even have to have a dais or photo wall or anything like that. God forbid if we made memories! I suggested why don't we just welcome everyone for a meal & get together. We had organised many such events before, and we could have set aside some money for it, but it did not happen. primarily because of covid-19 pandemic, but essentially because you didn't want it to happen. There were so many excuses: we are too old already, it is embarassing; no money; no suitable dates; everyone is busy, especially you/me/us. 

You were probably embarrassed: I was a divorcee with 5 children. Out of nowhere. Not even good looking or fashionable or rich. It was not a good look. I totally get it.

That idea was dropped. Then you gave the idea of doing a 5-year anniversary gathering. Did not happen either. We've exceeded the anniversary by 3 months already, and no chance that it will happen now. We have gotten the divorce date too, so an anniversary 'do' would just be silly. I have come to accept that "we" will not be celebrated. 

My announcement of our marriage appeared on my FB page during the Syawal month, on 20 April 2024, because I has been too tired of waiting for something to happen. You had called from Jakarta after I posted it (you were holidaying in Jakarta with your mates), persuading me to untag you, which I refused (because that was the whole point of the announcement!). You had given the reason that you were apparently bidding for a government project, and do not want to be traced or suspected or denied the contract due to subversive comments (like you had any?!). You then requested to untag yourself manually; I agreed since you insisted. It was that important that you are not associated with me at any cost. So that was that. The post will remain on my wall forever. Because it happened. Never will you deny my existence!

The discovery of Che Na, Aiza and Azhani came later. When you were away in Jakarta and left one phone at home, I managed to open it. Out came multiple incriminating messages especially from your soulmate Aiza. You two should have gotten married to each other, if you asked me. I don't know how you even considered marrying me. You message her 2000 times a day, takes her out to dinner more often than you ever did me, your own wife. You two have 5000 things in common and have 10,000 mutual friends (well I exaggerate, but you know what I mean). 

Che Na you had messaged a little less but as controversial as ever (well maybe with Che Na it was quality, not quantity, and she has a jealous husband). You had messaged her asking for photos, because you missed her. 

Azhani you stalked on FB and downloaded hundreds of photos. She reciprocated when you messaged her, by updating you about her day.. belly dancing, salsa dancing, cooking, holidaying. Oh my my my my. what have we here? Arguably Azhani had not known we were married (because NOBODY knew, and such information you probably did not dish out freely). I do admit that she is less controversial compared to the other 2 monkeys but an interference nevertheless. 

You had messaged other girls too via IG, FB and god-knows-where-else. Frankly I have had suspicions about the 3 ladies, but you denied everything from Day 1: "I had known them much longer that I had known you, there is really nothing going on" have been his standard textbook answer. Which is true: you weren't lying. But you were shrewd. 

How do we move forward from all that? A clean break was my choice, and you may have full license to use this & say that I left/ I gave up. You may even say that I got too cocky after my PhD, I will let that slide too. I cannot control your motor mouth. You may literally say whatever you want. I will use the late Queen's approach: "Never Complain, Never Explain." I am just hanging on for the 28th, and I will be completely okay (eventually).

If you said that I was rash and punished you for your first mistake ever, I disagree. We were married 5 years and I had brought up specifically Che Na, Aiza and Azhani more that 3 times each. Because I had felt it, but these feelings were never acknowledged or taken into account when you flirted with everybody. You were nonchalant and did not take any action because there in no chance in hell that I would ever find out. Well I did and you have blown your 58th chance. How about that? I release you to pursue your true love & forever happiness, because I am tired chasing after you.