Saturday, February 22, 2025

I take it all back

Let's see how this will play out in an alternate universe.

Scenario 1: He shows me the message the night before we marry. I cancelled the nikah and never talk to him ever again. End of story.

Scenario 2: He replies to Aiza and all the other girls that "We are through!!!" and never contact them ever again. Once the nikah ceremony concludes, he posts my pic in FB to announce our wedding. Hence clearing any doubt in the minds of the ladies-on-the-sideline and dashing every figment of hope they may have about their superfluous romance. This is an impossibility. It is so unlikely to happen that I am willing to bet my own life on it... but sometimes I do think about this, what if... if he had married someone like Rubie, would he have been proud to announce the union, and claim her as his?

Scenario 3: He stops contacting Aiza and all the other girls after a few weeks/ months into the marriage. Decides to focus solely on me and I never found out anything. We might still be married, but I will still be isolated from my children and my family on the basis that he doesn't want to spend both Hari Raya at my mom's. His reason: because his mother needed attention, and he will give her all the attention while she's alive. So I will probably have to wait for my mom-in-law to die before he can spend Hari Raya with my family (if ever). Better that I let him spend every Raya at his mom's permanently without him ever needing to worry about hurting my feelings.

Scenario 4: I wait it out until he decides to ask for my hand in marriage. I might still be waiting and perpetuate the idea that he is a forever bachelor, because being single is much more appealing (to him). We'll be in a long term unmarried relationship, with no end in sight (except for being each others' permanent companion) and I would be perpetuating the naughty 'mak janda' status. 

Scenario 5: He chooses me and stop contacting all the other ladies. Announces the wedding and proudly shows me around as his wife + life partner. He dedicates his life to taking care of me and the children, finding utmost joy in being my husband and the children's stepfather. I wish things were this simple but they are not.

Unlike Dr Strange, I need not permutate these events too much to know that the marriage was not workable. It could even have been doomed from Day 1 but we I might have been too delusional to realise it (we were not in love, or rather he did not love me, I can tell you that!). After the first marriage, I had been love-bombed because I knew no other type of love. After all the years of mental abuse, I jumped into the arms/ welcoming embrace of a carefree and understanding man completely missing the red flags, or rather: I ignored the red flags on the chance that he had loved me. 

Perhaps he did, perhaps once there was a sliver of love (or care or pity) in his heart for me but I will wonder no more. For the sake of my sanity, I must keep moving forward. I can look at the rearview mirror once in a while, correct my front vision, reflect on my own mistakes (not too much, because I won't want to dwell) and learning points (which I must remember forever), but other than that... the past has NOTHING else to offer. Move forward I shall.

Whatever that happened, happened. I hope by now I have learnt my lesson. I cannot make someone love me, or sway him to make the choices he needed to make because he loved me. During the time when the actions actually mattered. Not now when everything has turned to ashes, and my reputation as a respectable wife has been blown to smithereens.

My other point is this: marriage is complex, but with the right person it can be rewarding. A person who have your best interest at heart, and a person who wholeheartedly loves you. That is a rare find, 'the luck of the draw' Anne Hathaway had said. I have retired all my bits and will not look for a life partner/ love interest/ romantic relationship/ husband ever again. That is a decision. I have also decided that he no longer walks this earth. We will find each other in the next life(time).

Friday, February 21, 2025

Achy Breaky Heart

Currently running through the motions of a broken heart. I know life will be better, things will change (they HAVE changed), and I will thrive. My mind is on board, my heart will follow soon enough.

My resolution for this week, the month and probably the year: LESS SCREEN TIME, particularly the smart phone screen and particularly reels. "I am a calm, sane person who is independent and find joy in writing and reading from paper-based materials". That should do it.

My contacts are now my friends who are equally independent and completely comfortable in their own skins. We are each individually unique and utterly quirky. We shall rise and rule the world!

There are short stories waiting to be written,
Researches and book chapters waiting to be published,
And beautiful locations waiting to be discovered.

Heart, you have survived and you WILL beat stronger this time 💖💎

Tuesday, February 18, 2025

This is HEAVY for me to bear

Tomorrow would have been our 6th anniversary. However I have decided to give the date to him & Aiza to celebrate their forever love. I won't go back to meet the snakes to ask why they did this to me, I have to keep moving forward. There is literally nothing that they can do, or say to make things any better or any worse that it already is. Redemption? Repentance? Atonement? I am past that. They will not provide me any apology or peace of mind. What was done, has been done. They have crushed me in the process. Instead of me being the central character in a marriage, the love of someone's life, I was the dispensable fool who got burned. Tough. 

The date was never mine to cherish, or to keep. Neither was he. I never really believed that anybody belonged to anybody. Now what happened has confirmed my belief. I cannot make anyone choose me, or love me, or be with me. How I wished that he had shown me the message he sent her the night before our nikah. I would have either called her to ask her to disappear forever from his life (but then there were Che Na, and Azhani too in the picture) OR I most likely would have called the whole bloody thing off, to avoid all unnecessary hassle. I would walk away. Completely. In hindsight. I had spent 5 years in the company of a husband who had other options. Pity.

Looking back, all the memories come back in torrents. There were some good moments, some sad moments, some happy moments, then there were moments that could only be explained with my current knowledge. Welcome to my sad whiny life. 

No matter how bad things are right now, the only way is up up up. I have hit rock bottom in terms of romantic relationships. Bridget Jones, no matter how clumsy you are, you have made some good choices and have attracted many good decent men. I am hanging up my cape. I haven't got a proper one to begin with. From this moment on, the person I will love and cherish all the time is ME.

Sunday, February 16, 2025

Viva Voce

The presentation was completed on 13 Feb 2025 at 3.45pm and I am glad that it went smoothly.

I had a LOT of help from great supervisors, family, and friends who have supported me ALL THE WAY.

It's wonderful to have great people who have your back. Alhamdulillah 💖

How does it feel? Surreal, I would say.

And the days after? Seemed pretty normal, in my view.

I would remain the same person I have always been. The added credential will assist in asking for a salary review (hehe), and I should probably apply for an Assistant Professor post. These are essentially work-related. My boss would say "Well, it's about time!" after various reminders to continue my studies in the past. I have 10 more years till retirement, and the research work will keep me occupied till then.

On a personal level, I am still the same me. I have had good examples, to not let this get to my head. My sister, my sister in law, my supervisors, and literally all my friends who have achieved 200 more fantastic things in life but remained as grounded as regular Joes and Janes. This I must repeat to myself to be rooted + humble always.

What's next? Work, work, work 🤣

If at anytime I feel bigheaded, the office where I work will bring me back down to earth in no time. So you earned your PhD? Congrats & go back to class! In the same breath.