I take it all back

Let's see how this will play out in an alternate universe.

Scenario 1: He shows me the message the night before we marry. I cancelled the nikah and never talk to him ever again. End of story.

Scenario 2: He replies to Aiza and all the other girls that "We are through!!!" and never contact them ever again. Once the nikah ceremony concludes, he posts my pic in FB to announce our wedding. Hence clearing any doubt in the minds of the ladies-on-the-sideline and dashing every figment of hope they may have about their superfluous romance. This is an impossibility. It is so unlikely to happen that I am willing to bet my own life on it... but sometimes I do think about this, what if... if he had married someone like Rubie, would he have been proud to announce the union, and claim her as his?

Scenario 3: He stops contacting Aiza and all the other girls after a few weeks/ months into the marriage. Decides to focus solely on me and I never found out anything. We might still be married, but I will still be isolated from my children and my family on the basis that he doesn't want to spend both Hari Raya at my mom's. His reason: because his mother needed attention, and he will give her all the attention while she's alive. So I will probably have to wait for my mom-in-law to die before he can spend Hari Raya with my family (if ever). Better that I let him spend every Raya at his mom's permanently without him ever needing to worry about hurting my feelings.

Scenario 4: I wait it out until he decides to ask for my hand in marriage. I might still be waiting and perpetuate the idea that he is a forever bachelor, because being single is much more appealing (to him). We'll be in a long term unmarried relationship, with no end in sight (except for being each others' permanent companion) and I would be perpetuating the naughty 'mak janda' status. 

Scenario 5: He chooses me and stop contacting all the other ladies. Announces the wedding and proudly shows me around as his wife + life partner. He dedicates his life to taking care of me and the children, finding utmost joy in being my husband and the children's stepfather. I wish things were this simple but they are not.

Unlike Dr Strange, I need not permutate these events too much to know that the marriage was not workable. It could even have been doomed from Day 1 but we I might have been too delusional to realise it (we were not in love, or rather he did not love me, I can tell you that!). After the first marriage, I had been love-bombed because I knew no other type of love. After all the years of mental abuse, I jumped into the arms/ welcoming embrace of a carefree and understanding man completely missing the red flags, or rather: I ignored the red flags on the chance that he had loved me. 

Perhaps he did, perhaps once there was a sliver of love (or care or pity) in his heart for me but I will wonder no more. For the sake of my sanity, I must keep moving forward. I can look at the rearview mirror once in a while, correct my front vision, reflect on my own mistakes (not too much, because I won't want to dwell) and learning points (which I must remember forever), but other than that... the past has NOTHING else to offer. Move forward I shall.

Whatever that happened, happened. I hope by now I have learnt my lesson. I cannot make someone love me, or sway him to make the choices he needed to make because he loved me. During the time when the actions actually mattered. Not now when everything has turned to ashes, and my reputation as a respectable wife has been blown to smithereens.

My other point is this: marriage is complex, but with the right person it can be rewarding. A person who have your best interest at heart, and a person who wholeheartedly loves you. That is a rare find, 'the luck of the draw' Anne Hathaway had said. I have retired all my bits and will not look for a life partner/ love interest/ romantic relationship/ husband ever again. That is a decision. I have also decided that he no longer walks this earth. We will find each other in the next life(time).