Tuesday, October 22, 2024

No vested interest

Once divorce happens, this 'connection' also ends. Such is life.
Nowadays I don't really think about him, or the persons he is potentially contacting.
Detachment is wonderful that way.

The sadness remains, and it will linger for a while more.
One day I will reflect on all that happened and be able to analyse things more objectively.
At this present moment I am still sad, and angry, and disappointed.
My reflections are biased and defensive.

The blame primarily is on him, maybe unfairly so. I did (or did not do) some things that a wife should (or should not) have done. For all intents and purposes, I really had wanted things to work out this time. I'm not one to give up easily, but competing with all past loves seemed futile. Let me pile on all the blame on me, or on 'circumstances'. 

We may not have been a good match: I am not for him, neither was he for me. We tried but things did not work out. Now I realised that there were fundamental things that was important to me but completely immaterial to him, and vice versa. He was as hopeless a husband as I was hopelessly ever as a wife. Sometimes good friends may not necessarily be good romantic partners. It is what it is.

Whatever sixth sense or intuition that I needed before (for him), I have deactivated. From the deep recesses of my heart, I wish him the best and pray that he will meet someone so beautiful and wholesome who will make his life complete, and someone whom everyone in his family loves. He had said he had waited 46 years before he found me, but I am not convinced. From my perspective: he had spent 46 years holding on to memories of past loves. Our divorce is a wake up call that once a relationship ends, it ends. We must clean the slate and move on. Hold on to the memories but not the person. Let go. Now. 

In these 3 months (and beyond) I will not be Aiza. No lovey dovey words, and definitely no matching of baju raya or making plans together. Well we may have some plans here and there, but essentially he doesn't have to be involved in my life, or me in his. I'm readjusting my feelings and treatment of him to "friendship" level. That's as much as I can do, to avoid bringing up the past pain. Once I meet the therapist I will let it rip, but to friends it'll just be "tak ada jodoh"- we're better as friends. I really have no energy to explain or elaborate: that we are actually two very different people who wanted rather different things. That's as cryptic and as PC as I can get.

[Then why did you get married in the first place?] They would ask, or would want to ask. My answer would be along the lines of "Well, I thought I was ready to take the next step with him [or] we did the best we could, but things didn't really work out." 

In the circumstances it is better to part ways before things get worse. 

I have made a lot of mistakes and we misunderstood a lot of things. We took each other for granted, when we should have spent the time building 'a relationship', whatever that may be. 

Would I want to do it all over again? Maybe not. The signs are too glaring. I have let go and he is free to meet others, and do anything that he wishes. 

Once he feels better about himself, he will meet someone wonderful. I wish for him nothing less.

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