To Infinity... and BEYOND!

Thanks Bizz Lightyear, and the Pixar folks who thought up of this quote.

It is hopeful, non-specific (so that we can fill in our own goals), and very promising of great things to come. Buzz said it with such determination too!

What's next with me? The sky, or infinity is the limit. I can literally do what I want, when I want it, with whomever I want. I do not mean that in the naughty sense. because I am past that. At 50 I have done all the naughty things that I wanted (or society thought I needed) to do. 

Now I have become my own person. I will not be easy to love, by any man. Not that I wanted any man to love me anymore, after all that furore (times two). My expectations are too much, that I will not settle for any half-baked love or marriage proposal. I have with me my children, and my family, and my siblings to love and care for. I plan to love a long life and hopefully with enough money to carry me through. The person I have decided to marry is me.

When I did my A-Levels at 18, we did an English essay titled "A Fulfilled Woman (or Man)". I did not remember what I wrote (but I hope I have been consistent), and this moment (as hapless as it is) is what I consider close to being fulfilled. I have my health, my children, a house to my name (well, almost), a career with sufficient salary, (soon) a doctorate, my (reasonably) stable mental faculty, and some money to spend. I do not have a lot but I have enough. 

I am lucky and have been eternally blessed with a million good things. My unlucky bit is with men, which I have foregone for good. Struck off my list forever. Like what Suraini had done, according to Syeh, which I do not believe. My version of the story would be: she had been hurt by him, or insecure of his many female friends and admirers, that she wouldn't dare come close... and to avoid further questions she had said that she decided never to marry... and continue to wait for him until the moment when he has settled all his scores. Which is NOW, after I have done the cleaning up. This is the best and the right time and I pray that they find each other again.

Such is my state of mind. I am past men. I am past looking for meaning in love and marriage. It is something that I cannot understand or practice to satisfactory level to make want men to stay with me. There are things I am EXCELLENT at, like teaching, mentoring others, some say parenting, or managing people, or planning things, or writing, or some level of researching, or to some extent saving money... but being a wife is not one of it. Sadly enough, I was raised on Disney-level fluffy candy love which does not exist. Some people were lucky to have found their "one" on the first try, and I am super happy for them (and perhaps a tad envious). I will no longer seek that elusive "one", and conclude that he is probably in heaven waiting for me. He no longer walks this earth, and I will not seek him out no more. If ever I forget, this post will remind me.

What's next? Me, me and me... and MY children, MY career, MY goals, MY writing, MY everything. I do no expect any man to get with my programme, so please get out of the way!