Sunday, April 27, 2025

Epiphany

Mom have said to me: as a woman, look for someone who loves you more than you love him.
Because a woman can learn to love that man, and a good man is hard to find.
Did I listen? Of course NOT!

There was someone like that in my past (or maybe two). One I knew in high school but did not think too much about it, because I thought he was kidding. The second one I met during A-Levels, literally served on a platter, but I was too oblivious to it all. The second one, he was like Cary Elwes' character in the movie Princess Bride 'as you wish', or like Forrest Gump to Jenny. He would have done anything I asked, probably. However I've never tested this, because I don't do that to people. I do not lead people on except on one occasion when I asked him to accompany me for dinner, and he did. And that was that. I just didn't feel the zing and didn't feel that it was fair to string him along. He passed away a few years ago; before that he had found a lovely girl to settle down with, and had 2 sons with her. 

Instead I looked for bad boys who are smooth with their words & romanced the bejezuz out of me. What did that come to? A lot of excitement & adventure in the beginning, followed by huge disappointments. On both occasions. Apparently other women liked bad boys too. Well, they're all yours now folks!

Today, the 3-hour drive to mom's brought me an epiphany. What if my soulmate IS waiting in heaven... that's why my marriages on earth did not work out? Maybe. I really won't know, until I get to Heaven. I hope and pray that I do. My supposed soulmate had a good chance of a good afterlife and high possibility of heaven, on the basis that he was a good person through and through. How would I fare? At the very least enough for me to meet him when the time comes, I hope and pray. I have to ask him, and get it out of my system. Until then, I will keep my nose clean and take care of my health. No more relationships for sure. I can now focus on me and the children, and my career, and business.

Saturday, April 12, 2025

Dull Ache

When someone leaves your life, either in death or while alive, there is this ache that you feel. Initially it would be very strong. So strong that you thought the day when you don't feel it anymore will never come. 

This is what I felt first when my Dad passed away. It was a sadness so deep that I didn't know what to do with it. I handled it with constant prayers for his wellbeing in the Afterlife, and had talked about it with my siblings. my mom too. In the moments when she felt like talking about it. It had been very difficult for her, but she decided to be strong for herself and for all of us. For that I appreciate and love her to death.

With divorce, the persons are very much alive, but dead to you for what he had done. I felt pain, and some days feel dark beyond reason. I would not suggest that death and divorce are the same. They are 2 polar opposites. The pain, however, have some similarities.

The pain descends upon you when you least expect it. You cry uncontrollably at times when experiencing a 'trigger': a shared memory or moment or photo or a statement. You feel major heartbreak when these feeling wash over you, but with time, healing happens. You accept that this person used to be in your life before, and you have learnt to let go for yourself and for him too. You realise that the Almighty has 'lent' this person to you, and you feel blessed for the time that you have had with him.

I still feel this dull ache with my second divorce. It has been six months and counting. My milestones are Year 1 and Year 2. After 2 years I'll be stable and 'normal'. I look forward to that day. 

Friday, April 11, 2025

Snow in the Sahara

Anggun's song "Snow in the Sahara" hits different now compared to before. She sang about a person who's willing to give her all to someone whom she loved, to the extent of making it snow in the Sahara. He may have lost his way, or had made some poor choices (that led him away from her), but she believed that her love will fix it all. [Girl, no matter what you do.. he will be him, I'm afraid]

Today I understood the brilliance, uniqueness and sadness of that song.

Trivia (via google): This song was written by Erick Benzi, whose most popular song was Pour que tu maimes encore (For you to love me again) sang by Celine Dion. 

Unlike Snow in the Sahara which essentially is the same in English and French, the English version titled If that's what it takes (also by Celine Dion), interestingly did not directly translate its French version (in my opinion at least). The English version captured the main theme of love and what one would do for it, but not the longing and melancholy of the French version.

[Incidentally, this is another story idea: Renee Angelil & Celine Dion vs Tommy Mottola & Mariah Carey. How 2 girls got discovered and made different choices (about their men), leading to different outcomes + relationship dynamics. Maybe they eventually become leading ladies, or assigned to work on a movie or drama together? Initially they fought but eventually warmed up to each other when they found out each others' stories].

I digress.

What I really wanted to say was: I would have done anything for him. Anything. But whatever it was that I did or promised to do, it wasn't good enough (or convincing enough) for him to let go of the others. It is what it is, no matter how heartbreaking. I say this not in the 'I-want-him-back' kind of way, but more in the 'I-know-better-now' way. Maybe he was sorry for what he did (he said he was) but the damage is done. In fact the hurt is so severe that I question my capacity to recover. 

I know things get better, and I will be okay eventually, but to start over with him is but a fraction of a glimmer of hope. For the time being we'll do our own thing. I have asked him to explore and get everyone out of his system, until he is 100% sure of me and him. If he finds someone else in the process, I will be completely happy and supportive. In fact I would really like to see who this perfect person would be. If he doesn't, he can keep looking until he does find her, or until he decides without any shadow of a doubt that it's me. That is my mindset. For healing. 💪

Wednesday, April 09, 2025

When things go 'boom'

The Putra Heights gas explosion on the second day of Raya had felt surreal to me. Had thought it was AI, but too many people shared the same images from different angles, and eventually it made the official news. Condolences to those who lost their belongings and/ or sustained injuries in the incident.

Who's to blame? In the events that follow, it was reported that the Selangor State Government with the assistance from Petronas and the Federal Government has/ have offered compensation to the victims as the latter assess/ recover/ repair what's left of their belongings. 

The bigger question is: who did the digging into prohibited territory, and who gave the approval for the work to widen the road hence encroaching into the gas pipeline area? How I wish that someone would whistle-blow the details to smithereens.. and when that day comes, justice will be served. Maybe that day would never come, or maybe one fine day the details will see the light of day.

Moral of the story: do not buy/ rent a house near a gas pipeline (and how do we get the maps for these lines?) I get the most ridiculous epiphanies sometimes.

Rare Occasion

Once in a while I will come across brilliance, and all the years in teaching feels worthwhile.

Usually these are the final year projects that are sensible, Masters thesis that contributes to the body of knowledge, or students who are generally interested in the content. Not for the sake of passing, but in the quest for the knowledge. Hence, these folks come by once in a couple of years AND they remind me that its is worth doing what I am doing.

In the meantime, I will contend with the rest of my students who I will teach/ guide/ supervise to the best of my ability. Because I believe in equal chances, and everyone who passes through me gets the same opportunity as everybody else. Whether they use it or not, it is really up to them.