What We Used to Be

He used to make me happy. We used to make each other laugh. We used to be comfortable in each others' company without a word passing between us. I'd like to think at some point I did make him happy too, that he was proud to be called my husband.

Things have changed so much now, that all those memories are held and described in the past tense. No more hugs or stolen kisses, no more long conversations about anything and everything, no more giggles and tickles.

The good thing about the human spirit is that we do recover. One day I will look back and feel relief: that we did not carry on with an unhappy marriage; that we decided to act in the children's best interest; and that we chose to remain on good (workable) terms. I am moving forward, I am finding myself again and I have decided to trek the path towards happiness, on my own terms.

My New Reality

Yesterday the divorce proceedings took place & I guess now I am a divorcee. I had taken a very pragmatic approach to the whole scenario: went to the court, signed the settlement agreement, had a quick chat with (ex) husband afterwards, went back to work to teach my classes, followed by gym session after work- during which I rowed like crazy.

After the hearing and as I was leaving the court, it felt like a fog had lifted. The day seemed a little brighter, the clouds have parted and I thought I felt lighter. All endings are new beginnings, I suppose.

Last night I slept fitfully and was finally able to wake up at a regular humanly hour. Thank GOD for that! Whether he was sorry, or whether he would actually marry her, or whether he still loves me... those issues are no longer mine. I have dropped it, let it go, and will now move on with my life.

I will be fine, life will be fabulous & many new doors will open for me. Let's GO!

Anger

Stages of Grief (Kubler-Ross Model):

Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Depression --> Acceptance

My therapist asked me to be aware of the stages & understand the triggers, so that I'll be able to handle it. If there is a need to medicate, I was advised to consider it and stop the meds if the symptons of anxiety are under control.

Looks like I'm still hovering between Denial and Anger (Whaaaaaat?? I have not accepted this situation??). Again, I was informed that I am in a period of adjustment & I must give myself some time. Don't you just hate that advice? Already I'm at my wit's end and on top of that I'm asked to give myself more time. Oh well, more time it is. Let's wait it out. The 24th of March will come, followed by the 24th of April then May then June... eventually the year 2014 will end... and one fine day I'll be asking: Who's this guy again? Oh- he's somebody I used to know. I'm looking forward to that day. The sooner the better. Have patience, woman! This life will be fantastic.

What's your Secret?

Since 15 Dec 2013, I have lost 11 kg. "What's my secret?" a few would ask. My answer: eat half portions & exercise/ sign up for gym membership (... and catch your husband having an affair and file for divorce). I would not recommend the 'shock and awe' version but the half-portion & exercise works quite well :)

My Many Blessings

1- Good health
2- Presence of supportive friends & family members
3- Five children whom I adore
4- A job that I enjoy doing
5- Sufficient financials for my needs
6- Clarity of mind to make crucial decisions
7- Losing him but finding myself again
8- Abundance of love and care from people who matter
                                                        (to be continued...!)

Slowly, I am letting go of the emotional attachment. The day will come when I won't remember the hurt anymore. Give it time. Be mindful of the present. Live and Love. Let's look forward to many fantastic things in the future. YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE!

Almost There

We have painted his room/ study & will convert it into OUR study, populated with the childrens' books. Apparently my mother in law is enjoying all the stuff that were sent to her house. His ploy to frustrate me? Whatever. I do not care if she enjoys them or not. Those things do not belong in the house anymore.

I note with a tinge of regret that he has de-activated his FB account that contains our family photos & kept the other FB account that he uses for the "industry"; the one that she has access to. Actually, it all does not matter anymore. Our divorce case is coming up in 14 days' time. You promised not to let this bother you anymore. He is no longer important in your life. She is even less significant. They do not exist. (My heart still hurts). LET IT GO ALREADY!