What's Going to Happen once I Finish my Dissertation?

Currently typing up the dissertation, to be submitted latest by 30 June. Why did I delay it so long? After much deliberation I'll have to own up and attribute it to procrastination. Why? Probably I didn't want to have a one-up over ex-hubby. I really don't know. Now I will finish it and submit the final work.

What's going to happen next? I don't know either. Perhaps the skies may open up & it'll start raining heavily? We won't mind a lot of rain in this hazy weather, would we now...

Conversation with God

May I stay & reminisce? So many memories..

"YOU CAN'T STAY.. YOU DON'T BELONG HERE ANYMORE"

Why?

"I HAVE BETTER THINGS PLANNED FOR YOU. MOVE ALONG."

"... AND STOP JUSTIFYING- YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT"

Gym Shorts

Why do people go to the gym?

For me I am going to lose weight and increase the level of serotonin (a.k.a. happiness hormone) in my system- the latter in fact was recommended by the doctor. On top of that, when the fats turn to muscles I can wear better-fitting clothes & look more confident.

A lot of people go regularly and since February, I have made some friends there. Some may go to lose weight, some may go to meet people, some go purely for the Zumba classes (which I have yet to join), some (like me) go for medical reasons. There appear to be different clusters of patrons: some are weightlifters, there are regulars in certain classes that I have joined, there are those with their personal trainers, a few will visit with a friend/ coach, some even have social activities together after gym hours.

There may be those who go for non-weight-related reasons: to show off their bods (because they come in very attractive workout clothes but do not actually work out) or look for cute girls/guys perhaps (this group hang around the machines a lot, maybe trying to chat up people?). It's probably interesting to do an empirical study and give the feedback to gyms.. haha.. there I go again with an 'academic study' approach.

As for me, the gym is an interesting place for people-watching.. and I'd probably hypothesise that since the serotonin levels are higher in gyms/ exercise centres, people here are mostly happy. Whenever I feel down, I put on my workout clothes and have a run on the treadmill.. and thereafter go for yoga or body balance or pilates class.. and that usually will make my day. When I go home to the children, I am mentally prepared to face anything.

Strong Enough

This is probably my breakthrough song- heard it on the radio on the way home from the gym yesterday.. put simply, this is MY NEW THEME SONG! 

EXCERPT from Cher's Strong Enough

I'm telling you

That I'm strong enough to live without you 

Strong enough and I quit crying long enough 

Now I'm strong enough to know 

You gotta go

There's no more to say 

So save your breath and walk away 

No matter what I hear you say 

I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

The lyrics aptly capture my situation, so I know I am not alone. Someone had been where I am now and pulled through excellently. There are a lot of dirty men with wishful thinking in the world and equally a large number of cheap girls with poor judgement. Put them together and it is a formula for marriage break-ups.

Oh well, at least I walk away with a valuable learning experience. Thank you Mr Ex!

Magnum Opus | Breakthrough

Yesterday a friend shared on FB the following news item:
http://www.utusan.com.my/utusan/Keluarga/20140607/ke_02/Reunion-musnahkan-rumah-tangga-kami
(translated: "Reunion destroyed our marriage")

Long story short, it's about a lady "Nora".. whose husband reconnected with one of his former girlfriends at a reunion and cheated on her.

In my case, ex-hubby got engaged in secret to a 30-year old he met during one of his work-related conferences. She works for the government and has no qualms whatsoever that he is already married with children and divorcing me for her. It is hardly fair to blame his job, or the government (for failing to train their staff on work ethics), or the people from Hulu Langat where she comes from. In response to the article, I would comment that the reunion may not have been the sole reason for separation: there were perhaps existing issues in the marriage and Nora's husband was probably looking for an outlet (rightly or wrongly).. and mostly likely the thinking/ rationalising process (for the extramarital affair) was not done with his brains.

Between December 2013 and today, I have had time to process the info which I have access to.. together with all communications we have had.. the thoughts/ information percolated in my brain.. I had analysed and cross-analysed the issues and basically asked a lot of questions to myself (and to him, which many still remain unanswered, so I have taken the liberty to make my own conclusions because I'd like to move forward).

My deductions, Watson, are as follows:
(1) That he had lied to me and had not trusted me enough to ask or present me with a real choice, if I would like to become the first wife; and
(2) Our marriage was not a happy one: I was expecting too much from him and he felt inadequate and he was expecting me to be someone I was not. So in hindsight, we would be much better off on our own.

To summarise it even further, I would probably say that trust and expectations were the 2 main reasons that caused a rift. When he took the liberty to get engaged in secret and go on various excursions with her (with related "activities" thrown in), those broke the marriage in 2. Whether he loves me or the children is no longer relevant. Our children could not be the reason to stay married when the foundation is brittle. There is just no more trust. He can no longer carry the role of my husband.

So- to blame the reunion may be convenient but would not have been the right thing to do.. like when people blame MLM groups or political parties or work or anything for a marriage breakdown. There is already something wrong with the marriage before the affair happened. We must search deep and take accountability for what has happened (I did, lately.. but in the beginning I was mostly angry/ bitter and did not not want to take any blame.. mea culpa!). It is usually poor communication- things (issues) simmer yet were not properly addressed until they reach boiling point- by this time everybody is angry and screaming and accusing each other of something or the other. Nothing good will come out of an angry situation.

I'd like to fast forward to NOW. Now is the moment of strength.. and the trek towards happiness has already begun. How long will it take until things return to normal? Well, I don't think that things will ever be normal again yet that's okay. I do not want to be normal or comfortable ever again. I want to be challenged, I want to savour life, I want to explore its possibilities.. and everything will be fine in the end. The children's pain will heal, they will be responsible, mature-thinking adults (in time).. and I plan to have a GREAT life, filled with abundance and multiple opportunities to make a difference (in my life & others). LET'S GO!!

Should you be Friends with your Ex?

NO.

After the break-up/divorce, you have turned into different people. The experience would likely change you so much that you either remain  bitter and angry or forgive and move on. Either way, there may still be simmering issues unseen by the naked eye and the moment someone brings something up, it is likely to cause an explosion. Any 'communication' you may have with each other is akin to a mine-field, you get blown up one way or the other. Especially if the break-up involves a third party/ due to an affair, NEVER mention the third party because your ex still has the hots for him/her, thinks the world of them and you will always end up being seen as envious and unreasonable.

SO- what do we do now? My responses now should be limited to either "ok" or "thanks", that's all my vocabulary with him will be. Like it or not, we still have to discuss the children's matters. The key here is probably to tolerate each others' existence and not get too caught up in what he is/ is not doing with her.

They are inconsequential people and I will not allow them to take my power away. I am in control of my destiny and I choose to be happy.

My quote: "People who have hurt you should be treated like pebbles by the roadside. You acknowledge that they exist but you don't have to give them a second look/ thought".

So there, goodbye Mr Ex and I wish you well.