What is LOVE?

There is no denying of the heart's capacity to love, a feeling so enduring and fantastic that it leaves you buzzing for days/ months/years/lifetimes.

With Mr Ex the love developed from an infatuation from a youngish perspective.. we had met during a pre-university course & fallen head over heels in love.. and had gotten married as soon as we graduated. It was a love that started with a spark, was very volatile and fantastic for the first 2 years of marriage (at least) and fizzled off after the 10th year (give or take). We had held on, thinking that things could be better had we put it more effort; we even decided to have more babies together.. but in hindsight the affair & the eventual divorce were things that were waiting to happen anyway.

With New Guy there is no fantastic spark to begin with, we may not have intended to even have any romantic relationship.. but a feeling (can't really define it, as of now) developed out of care/concern.. and he gives me balance. It is refreshing to feel such a presence after a long time.. but is it love? I think of him sometimes, if he is doing alright.. some mornings he's the first one who comes to mind.. we can chat endlessly about many different things.. and I guess to some extent I can rely on him to be there for me. HOWEVER, since the divorce is very recently concluded.. and at times I still miss Mr Ex.. I do not know what I am feeling. Maybe this is an open-ended relationship.. being there for each other.. and nothing more? Do I want to have more? Seriously there is no answer for that. The signals are mixed up, but the strongest one is probably this: hold on, give it time, it could be a rebound.

Besides, being single is rather enjoyable. Focusing purely on the children & not on a spouse (+ children) is also very liberating. With children there is no power play, no conditions to love, and the heart can open as big as it could without the fear of divorce/ other woman/ falling out of love. That is the best form of love, in my view, as well as the love for my mum and siblings. Unconditional love in the best and real sense. So for now, I will settle for that & be happy with what I have.

Until My Heart Quits

What is love? Is it about sacrificing your own feelings to another's? Is it about giving in? Is it about letting him have his way?

Nearly 8 months from the divorce, another breakthrough emerged. I received a marriage proposal in which I was mildly interested... and I found that I may still have feelings for Mr. Ex. Fancy that!

Yet the road back to him is already blockaded. I have decided the only movement I'm making is forward. No looking back except to check how far I have come.

Life is like this I guess. Move along, look up & go forth!

Glow

Seen in a female mag: no product can replicate/create the glow one has when she is in love.

Recently a colleague remarked that I seemed more lighthearted now than before. Another colleague commented that I have the glow. It is probably because now I am happy. The love that is showing is (most likely) my love for life and the joy of rediscovering myself.

June posted my article written in 1990 (from the school yearbook) to the Telegram page this morning... and it tugged at a few heartstrings. I personally should have written and re-written the work multiple times, to achieve perfection. It is nowhere near perfect or reasonably digestible, but it made it to the yearbook- will do better!

So far there has been a few interested parties/ queries, but I have taken them all with a pinch of salt. No matter now, at this point I seriously would like to focus on the children & their well-being. Romance can happen whenever and at this moment I am a crazy b**** with a huge ego and anger issues. Let's not bring anyone into your heart in the near future; de-clutter & re-focus youserlf, everything will be better.

Things People Do

Why do people get married & have many children just to divorce later?
Why would the husband promise that he'll never abandon the (then) wife?
Why would he find the need to look for an alternative?
Why does the other woman not mind that she is contributing to a marriage breakdown?
Why is it so hard to accept (that he loves someone else)?

Yesterday I was out grocery shopping (mid-week, no less) and saw a lot of stressed fathers. The mothers are not as stressed- I guess because shopping is related to our "gatherer" instincts & not against our nature. Lots of screaming kids, and a few spilled/ broken items here & there for the supermarket to clean.

Not a terribly fun scenario I would admit. I wonder if Mr-Ex will be up to it when he re-marries and has another small little child. The Other Woman (TOW) will expect him to go everywhere with her, even on monthly/ weekly grocery shopping sprees, family events, all office functions, all social visits, all types of outings (with or without the pitiful child), all vacations & all types of celebrations! Wow, he will have a fun life. On top of that, TOW will be interested in screening his hand-phone messages, his personal & official schedules, his whereabouts, his expenses, his car odometer, what he wears & when, what he has bought without her on tow... and the list goes on.

Perhaps that is the life he wanted. "Control = Love" in his dictionary probably. Our marriage was all about that- his control over everything that I do.

One good thing that came out of the divorce is that I found (am still discovering) myself. It is a wonderful journey as I approach my 40th year and I would not replace it with anything in this world.

I am:
- a cheerful child
- an outdoorsy person (love the beaches especially, sans swimming)
- an introvert & like to be by myself (I recharge that way)
- a great teacher & love being with my students
- careful with my words & can take care of myself (when it comes to attraction from men)
- firm and beautiful and deep (... and think about things people don't)
- in touch with my soul (now more than before)
- strong and beautiful

You will make it, my dear. This too, shall pass. Life will be great- this phase is nothing but a minor setback- I will get through it and emerge fabulous from my coccoon.. xoxoxoxox