How Do You Know?
How do you know if someone is The One for you? You don't, right? Not completely. You may have some instincts or intuition about someone.. or you may be able to form an opinion based on a series of events/ occurrences.. but you won't know for sure until you actually marry that person & uncover the truth. Even THEN you won't know for sure for sure.. until something like divorce.. or death.. happens.. and in some cases you never will know anything because he takes his secret to the grave.
Does it matter? Must I know everything about everything? Can't I just take the person as he is? As long as he is not an axe-wielding serial killer, it's all reasonably good.. right?
My issue now is probably I'm not ready to commit.. or settle down.. or get involved romantically with anyone. It is too traumatic and uncertain.. and subject to many different permutations. Whatever possessed me to get married in the first place, yeah? It was a completely nutty out-of-my-mind decision.. but we did have a few years of happiness before the boredom sank in & he ventured on to greener pastures.
Let's hypothesise.. say S asks for my hand in marriage when he comes back from his trip.. will I say yes? I would probably freeze and not have an answer. Or my lawyer training will kick in & I will negotiate the terms of marriage right then and there.. before deciding to say yes. Do I love him? Maybe I do. Can I live without him? Sure. Do I want to come home to him? I don't mind it actually. What do I love about him? His patience. His humour. The way he looks at life. The way he kissed my forehead. I get tingles.
Big picture: do I want to marry him? Be his wife and companion for the rest of his life? This is the tricky part: because my answer is "I don't know". And I think he knows this. Uncannily enough with him I can't be the stubborn girl as I always was. Because if I don't listen to him something major will happen & one time I actually had to ask him to bail me out. The holiday to Langkawi- he had told me to take the flight home. I took the bus bcoz I want to see the view & when I arrived the train service had ended & I called to ask him to pick me up. He did & did not berate me or anything. Never in my life had I felt so guilty. Maybe this is what I need the most. His patience.
Does it matter? Must I know everything about everything? Can't I just take the person as he is? As long as he is not an axe-wielding serial killer, it's all reasonably good.. right?
My issue now is probably I'm not ready to commit.. or settle down.. or get involved romantically with anyone. It is too traumatic and uncertain.. and subject to many different permutations. Whatever possessed me to get married in the first place, yeah? It was a completely nutty out-of-my-mind decision.. but we did have a few years of happiness before the boredom sank in & he ventured on to greener pastures.
Let's hypothesise.. say S asks for my hand in marriage when he comes back from his trip.. will I say yes? I would probably freeze and not have an answer. Or my lawyer training will kick in & I will negotiate the terms of marriage right then and there.. before deciding to say yes. Do I love him? Maybe I do. Can I live without him? Sure. Do I want to come home to him? I don't mind it actually. What do I love about him? His patience. His humour. The way he looks at life. The way he kissed my forehead. I get tingles.
Big picture: do I want to marry him? Be his wife and companion for the rest of his life? This is the tricky part: because my answer is "I don't know". And I think he knows this. Uncannily enough with him I can't be the stubborn girl as I always was. Because if I don't listen to him something major will happen & one time I actually had to ask him to bail me out. The holiday to Langkawi- he had told me to take the flight home. I took the bus bcoz I want to see the view & when I arrived the train service had ended & I called to ask him to pick me up. He did & did not berate me or anything. Never in my life had I felt so guilty. Maybe this is what I need the most. His patience.
posted by elya at 9:35 pm
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