Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Respond or React?

At this age I prefer to respond.
Reacting uses up too much energy that I don't have.

Context:
1- N wanted to see me when he reaches KL & before returning home. Then he told me the trip home is cancelled & he may have to be diverted to another location for a course. Lo and behold he is at home. That's alright I guess. Good for him to be with his family spending quality time.

2- I shared some tips & practices related to the Surahs in Quran, because my mom practiced them. A friend remarked that these were not the practices of our Prophet Muhammad s.a w. and therefore I must check the hadith before forwarding. So I have taken note. No point getting upset because the intent was to share info. Didn't expect a debate or a query. Nor do I have the time or energy to counter the points.

Coffee

Because I was hungry this morning but was too lazy to walk to the cafe for food, I made 2 cups of coffee with creamer and added a drop of liquid stevia as sweetener.

The following were my findings:
1- coffee is a good laxative
2- stevia makes coffee tastes good

Under normal circumstances I would probably not drink coffee because i don't really fancy it. When marking exam scripts however, coffee is probably the key to survival.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Bouncing Back

At this moment me & the girls have made a pact. That we will be alright, with or without a man.

It is pretty simple actually. It is an attitude, but not easily obtainable. You have to grow into it.

Struggling makes it harder. For the longest time I was angry. Fighting all the way. Consumed with self pity and a small dose of pure unsaturated rage.

Now I embrace my status, I am single. I am divorced. And I am Goddamned Happy.

Still the next step await. What do I want in life?

At this moment I am taking the path of least resistance. I have applied for DBA. Would be useful to give my brain some sharpening. If that doesn't work out then I will figure something else out.

So many things to do, so very little time!

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Open Letter to Whoever

To Mr Ex, the more we are separated the more I realised all the wrong things we have done in our relationship. Whatever it is I have accepted my past and all the mistakes that I have made. I appreciate them in fact, because I am brought to this point of consciousness.

To N & S, thank you for everything. For believing in me. For loving me in the best way possible. I could not have asked for any better story or path than the ones I have walked with you (consecutively, not concurrently.. in case anyone is wondering!).

In the movie Incendiary Michelle Williams plays this role who is coming to terms with the loss of her child in a terrorist bombing. Her psychologist suggested that she 'writes' to Osama bin Laden as an outlet for her anger/ frustration/ grief. In the end it appeared as if that worked as she slowly comes to terms with her son's passing.

I guess I am at that point. This is my life as I live it. I will make the best choice possible & keep moving forward with guts. Let's go girl!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

My Quirky Crazy Funny Fabulous Life

At this moment me and the girls have decided that we'll be alright on our own. There is no man worth pursuing (rather, we won't chase any man), so the plan is to keep on improving ourselves internally and externally.. and in time the person may come along. Even if he doesn't show up, we won't be any less gorgeous.

Life has now come full circle. I am healed so to speak, and I feel balanced. Of course things are far from settled but at least I know I am not alone. Let us fight our battles, let us grow from our collective experiences and may our hearts be always filled with love, compassion, kindness and beauty everlasting.

How's that for a hallmark quote.. haha..

Alhamdulillah for the countless blessings Allah has bestowed upon us.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Throwing Caution to the Wind

Right from this moment on I will slowly leave him in my past.

It was fine while it lasted but I think I should just step out of the fantasy & smack into real life. Do not let free will take its course anymore. Make some bloody firm choices and stick to them if you please!

I have had a mighty wonderful week and I will jump into Monday with a little reluctance. However I have decided that I will survive another day another week of the usual stuff adventure.

Please promise me that you won't give in no matter how much of guilt he dumps on you. Please be steadfast and protect your dignity my dearest.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Dear Future Husband

Since we have discussed our plans together, let's follow through and create some common worthwhile memories.

We have had disappointments and heartbreaks in the past, and we agreed not to carry the baggage to this relationship. Let explore our future together. We may not have all the answers but let's promise to always work things out.

I do love you with all my heart.

Thank you for letting me be me, for investing in this venture despite the uncertain outcome.

Let us seek the love of our Maker, for His blessings in our union.

May we ride the storm together and emerge stronger than ever.

* Hugggsssss *

Ms Lonely

Right about now I feel absolutely terribly lonely.

What I know now though, is that loneliness is not an excuse to fall in love with someone.. or even marry him. It can't be the reason even.

What I need to do is to just get used to it. So I am lonely. So I cry on the inside sometimes. Sure I feel like communicating with S all the time... but I do not have to.

I will keep myself company. I will refrain myself from expressing any words of love to S because he doesn't really reciprocate (because he doesn't feel it perhaps?). Please inject yourself with the strongest dose of reality check & it will knock your right out. Kapowwww!

Sunday, September 11, 2016

SOP

What should be the standard operating procedure when you're dating someone?
(Should there be one?)

Am I a difficult person to love?
Maybe I am. Too difficult. Beyond words.

If after so many months there is not so much as a hint of marriage (or long term commitment), should I walk away?
YES OF COURSE!!!!

If I am treated like any other friend, am I a friend or am I a love interest?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

What am I doing here again?
What am I after?
Because hand to heart, I don't think we'll be more than what we are now.

So, can we drop this already?
Move Along.
Forget about this whole thing.
Consider it as another lesson that you needed to learn.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Be Strong

Be Strong
For Life is fleeting
In its sweetness
It is enticing

Be Strong
For tomorrow is another day
Believe in its glory
And its possibilities

Be Strong
For this too, shall pass
The longing
The need
The loneliness

Be Strong
And Beautiful
Believe in your strength
Your capacity to forgive
And Love again

Be Strong
And be Bold
And embrace Every fibre of your being
As if you will lose it all tomorrow
Open your Heart
And your Eyes
And see the Beauty all around

Be Strong
And live your Life
Like It Was Meant to be Lived

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Basic Needs

If my boyfriend goes to London for work, what would I ask him to get me? Whatever that he wants actually. When S went to Spain I asked him for a leather friendship bracelet that is sold in the street shops but he was too busy & didn't find it. So be it.

I guess I am the type of person who needs very little and I'm okay with that. Firstly I would be thankful that he has returned home safely to me. Secondly I would look forward to seeing him. If he gets me anything fancy that would be a nice surprise. If he doesn't I will not love him any less. Please let me be happy with every little thing and feel blessed always.

Friday, September 02, 2016

Realistic Expectations

Being in a relationship at a mature age is interesting (for want of a better word).

Being with a trusted and trusting partner is a huge bonus. He lets me be me. I feel secure and calm in his presence. There is no need to pretend. I can be me and he embraces my every being.

I really would like him to be my life partner. My heart feels it now. Before I had some reservations because I had not dealt with my demons (read: Mr Ex). Mr Ex has damaged me a little but rest assured I am far from broken.

There is promise that things will be better the second time around. However I do realise that the work starts the moment we say "I Do".

At the same time I am cautious. Not to be overeager for fear of jinxing it.

He is my balance, someone I hope to be with for the rest of my life.

Let's look forward. For Real. Let go of my past mistakes. Mr Ex is a non entity. Non existent. Insignificant. I will take him as a lesson which I needed to learn the hard way.

There is a better man with me now. One who loves and adores me. Someone who will stay for good. Because he gave his word. And I will give him my best no matter the weather. Because I love him and come what may, please let us be brave enough and have enough love to see every damn thing through.