Where I Belong

Sometimes being too familiar is not a good thing. It weirds people out perhaps, if you appear too friendly.. or too much of an approval-seeker.

Although it may not have been my intention to do so, I did just that & came across as an embarrassment to the person who introduced me to the group. I had gone to Kinabalu with a new gang which already had their dynamics going, and I was the last minute addition when one candidate dropped out. We met (as in me meet them) twice, once to hike together in Shah Alam and the second time to have a pre-Kinabalu dinner. I was (and always will be, I guess) the odd one out. I should learn my place. Speak only when spoken to and give an opinion when sought. Be invisible, if I can.

So now it has probably become a bit awkward with me in their whatsapp group, as they can't really remove me. They can't talk about me either. Or if I exit suddenly it would be funny too, to the person who introduced me to them. So I have archived the chat and will observe any new threads quietly from now on, and refrain from making any comment of any kind... until such time that it is suitable for me to leave the group (I feel like leaving now actually!). Well the good thing is someone saved me some face by telling me, and I saved myself from a well of further shame.

The moral of the story is: some groups you just cannot belong to (this is perhaps one of them).
Secondly: be yourself my dear girl (although in my defence, I have been myself through & through)
Thirdly: learn to let go.

This kinda reminded me of Edrina & her clique when I was 13. I had so wanted to belong, to be given a chance to be with their group. Needless to say it did not happen, despite me bending over backwards and doing everything they asked me to (in order to fit in). The bonus that I got was: I became the fodder for ridicule. Serves me right for trying to hang out with fake shallow individuals.

In this present day situation however, they are mature wonderful people who found me trying too hard to fit in. So I don't fit in. So fine. Walk along my dear girl, Be wonderful as always and heal.

Memories

Currently sifting through literally tonnes of photos on whatsapp, to select & save what I want to store and delete the rest (clear chats).

My phone went undetected when plugged in to the laptop so I had to do the copying the old school way: one by one #gasp.

No complaints though, because thanks to social media a lot of stuff (most of them in fact) are stored in the cloud.

Which brings to mind: the PhD proposal that is WAITING TO BE WRITTEN!

Please kick yourself in the butt & do it already. The world is waiting.

Promise Me Something (Letter to Myself)

Promise me that you will always treasure yourself. You are capable of great things and you CAN achieve the things that you wanted to do.

So you have been hurt. So you have been mistreated. But it is not the end of the world.

You are a strong, courageous, beautiful individual who will emerge against the odds.

I do hope that one day you will find your match, your soulmate, someone who will love you the right way. Until then, live gorgeously and fabulously! He may exist (or he may not), but it doesn't really matter. YOU will be YOU in the only way that YOU know how.

Dear Girl, nobody is perfect. We have our flaws. We accept all our shortcomings. Yet remember to be kind always. People may hurt us but never avenge. Let go of the hurt and Allah will replace all that we have lost with a gazillion more better things. 

Woman Unleashed

Once you have reached a particular point in life, especially after a major overhaul or life-changing experience, it is almost certain that you will never go back to who you were/ what your life was.

Like Beauty, after living in the castle with Beast, was allowed to peek back into her old life through the magic mirror. She remarked "This place is much smaller than I could remember".

... or Frodo, returning to the Shire after the adventure with the Fellowship... had felt that things were as they were, and yet he has grown/ changed.

After 'conquering' Mount Kinabalu (and I say this with utmost humility), apparently the highest peak in South East Asia, I had felt like Beauty and Frodo (I think). I know how they feel & coming back to work was almost like an anti-climax.

So I have climbed the highest peak in the region. Sure, it was quite difficult to do, but it is completely doable & possible for many men & women. The feeling that I got was (perhaps best derived from a great mountaineer's quote): "It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."

Reaching 3000 metres and walking towards the peak (this would have been around 5.20 am on 13 May 2017), I was overwhelmed by emotions. In complete awe of the Mountain's beauty and strength, In praise of the Entity who created it, and having quiet pride in my ability to finally do what I wanted to do ever since I was a child. I reached the peak around 6.18 am, drinking in the sights and having moments of disbelief, and being quite terrified as to what I had gotten myself into (particularly: how did I get this high, and how do I get down from this rock #AlmostInTears).

Now I am safely on sea-level, back at work, marking my students' test papers.

I feel blessed, and loved, and supported. Mom came and babysat the children while I was away for 5 days... and S being the sweetheart that he is, messaged daily to find out how I was doing. So I have done it and the paths have opened for me. What will I choose?

(Here comes another anti-climax because I still don't know)

Strength has been obtained. The world IS possible, and the opportunities are endless, as long as I want it. It is now time to BE. Will spread the net in a few focused directions, and see where fate takes me.

Friends at Ransom

There is this person I know who is quirky and at this moment, has became utterly hateful.

It appears that to be friends with her, there are certain conditions that must be met.

She will go to the ends of the earth for you, PROVIDED that you do the same.

We cannot post photos of events or food if she is not a participant of such an event, HOWEVER if she is a participant of any event she takes the liberty to post 4 million photos of people and food at the event until probably someone cries or craves for the food.

WHY OH WHY OH WHY such people are put on this beautiful earth?

She has become quite a psycho in my books right about now. Will keep my distance. Another wise friend had read it much earlier than I did and has kept her distance last month probably. My reading of people as usual is slow to materialise, due to my rose-tinted glasses.

So now I know who she is, I will call a spade a spade.. and leave it alone locked in the shed.

What would you like to have for your Last Meal?

This was once an exercise in my English class. It was a speaking exercise where famous chefs were interviewed: if it were your last day on earth, what would you like your last meal to be?

Some answered in a very detailed way (that only chefs know best) the type of dish, the way it should be prepared, to even the location. One chef answered: a simple meal with one particular ingredient & be with family members in his last moments.

After the listening exercise, we had a speaking activity & asked the very same question to my students (they were between 12-14 years of age). They responded in a very simple, forthright and innocent way- the typical answer was their favourite food- chicken rice.. or pizza.. or steak. One student's answer struck me: he said "I want something prepared by my mother, even if it's just a glass of Milo/ hot chocolate"- because ever since he was born she has never cooked.

Inwardly, I hope one day his mom will actually make a simple dish for him or at least he will get to tell her that wish of his. Teaching English is always interesting that way, because it gives me an insight into other people's lives and the way they think.

In some ways I am glad: that despite me being the irate dysfunctional mom that I am, I have cooked for my children.. and I am pleased to report that I make for them hot chocolate practically every other day. Yay for me! The trek is still very long for all mommies worldwide though- may we collectively have the strength to face our daily battles.

Things that are Meant To Be

There is this old pair of sport shoes that I have- initially it was put in a bag to be given away, because the sole of the left shoe had separated from the body. Somehow or rather, the rest of the other shoes got taken away but my mom took the pair aside & it rested on the shelves for a while- the cats lay down on it.. and found that it was not good scratchable material & left it alone. There it waited...

Until last weekend when I realised that my new shoes are useless for hiking (as the tips were too narrow & ladylike hence hurts my toes big time when descending), I saw that I could get the soles stitched & re-use this pair again.

Flashback 1: when I wore the new pair to the gym, the trainer said these exact words: "use the old ones for hiking".

Flashback 2: this pair brought me up Broga & Angsi sans the toe pain!

So, I immediately sent them for stitching on Monday & washed them last night. This weekend I will hike up Nuang with the "Adidas Kampung" a.k.a. rubber tapper shoes & descend using my good old sport shoes. Old but definitely gold. It kinda went through the divorce after party with me, on runs & for workouts at the gym- so it is pretty hardy and resilient (I hope to be just as unbroken as it is).

Our adventure then begins. Tomorrow onwards I will start packing for Mount Kinabalu. Got a checklist from the Amazing Borneo team (who will be arranging the guides and accommodation for us). Here's to a new challenge. May I be protected as I go on this special journey.