Sunday, February 25, 2018

How Old Are You?

This is an often asked question & usually addressed to little children as a conversation starter.

However when asked that question at this age, the usual answer will be "A lady never reveals her age" and people won't push it anymore I guess.

What happens when our own children asks us that question?

Number 3, when she was about 9 or 10, had asked me "What year were you born mama?"
I had answered "1974"
Her response (with confidence) was "There is no such year" (she was born in year 2000)

That was a hoot. Definitely a worthy entry for "Kids say the Darnedest Thing".

Number 5, aged 7+, asked me a couple of days back " Mama, how old are you?"
I answered "44"
She replied (completely impressed) "Wowwww, that's almost a hundred years old!!!"

I laughed despite the worrying fact that my kid thinks that I am almost 100, for the fact that she WAS impressed.

These are conversations that I will always remember. For the element of fun. For the innocence. For the closeness that we had. Because in another couple of years I will probably be too old for her and her cool friends. Yet I will always be their mama, for better or for worse, in old age or young :)




Holding Her Own

One of my goods friends "A" is probably one of my inspiration.

She is raising 3 children on her own, her ex-husband appears on & off in their lives and do not provide financial or emotional support for the children YET she bounces back like nobody's business. She does well in her work, does a couple of business on the side and pulls it off together in fashion. Financially she is smart and suggests to me some options that can be utilised for financial freedom.

"A" is well-styled, on point and perfectly put together always.

She is fearless and witty, wonderful in her assessment of people, and always fun to be around.

One of her advise on beauty is : Work with what you have #beautiful

... and don't ever wish that you have fairer skin, smaller waist, longer legs.. whatever.. because you are made BEAUTIFUL. It has to shine from within. Own it and flaunt it.

Only God knows the pain or the secrets she harbour. She shares her stories, but always with hope in the end. She is an everyday woman, yet she is interesting. She has depth, hopes and dreams like all the rest of us. And I do hope and pray that despite her struggles, she will flourish and be assisted in various fashion, because she deserves it.

[UPDATE 1 Oct 2022: "A" has now remarried a successful accountant. They have recently built a beachside cottage in Marang, which I believe is her dream come true.]

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Dreaming New Dreams

One of my friends will be moving to Japan at the end of next month. Tokyo, to be specific.

The reason? To learn Japanese language & obtain her certification. So that she can eventually be a translator or just speak Japanese well.

So she has taken a sabbatical leave for a year. We will miss her.

At this moment she has disposed of some assets and packing some bare essentials for her sojourn. Some items like books and pots & pans she has yet to decide what to do with them precious things.

Well after I came back from her house, I thought (because S suggested): What if I teach overseas?

(Long story short, we have decided to explore that possibility).

First step is to improve and update my CV. I know I guide the students on CV writing but my own CV is kind of blah. Will update that a.s.a.p.

Next: submit application & wait for an answer.

If it is the path for me (us), then away I(we) will go.

Reconciliation

Mr Ex after lunch with the kids today, asked number 3 for his old albums. 

When when number 3 messaged me, I was at work.

I asked her to dust them off first but she told me that she had already handed them over.

There were 2 photo albums of his.

One was from the time we were dating in uni, starting from the time we first knew each other & ending with some photos taken in a photo booth after our 'economic' marriage.

The second was a photobook, a gift that I made for one of his birthdays. When it arrived via delivery to the house, I immediately gave it to him. He flipped through the pages and said something like "I have seen better ones" and tossed it on the passenger seat (because he was leaving somewhere). That statement & behaviour combined crushed me completely. Bar none. Yet I had blamed myself. On my poor timing. On my over-enthusiasm. I could have waited until he was more settled in at home. When he got home later. Yet I was just too excited, because it had taken me weeks to organise & it was a special birthday gift (to me at least). [See how a bad marriage will make you a weak person?]

Well I do not for the life of me know why suddenly out of the blue and nearly 4 years after our divorce he suddenly wanted the albums back. I don't care to think about it. They're his and he can take them all back.

Only one small detail though. The dating-to-marriage album, well I had kind of torn all my pics so he ends up with only his part of the photos. Except for the photo booth one, because it came in 3 & it is kinda cute. And it reminded me of a time when we actually meant something to each other. Of a time when we actually thought that our love will pull through despite all odds. Of a time of innocence.

Mr Ex had not said anything on anything so far. Whatever. Done Deal. Not like he would ask me for the other half of all the photos, right? Well even if he had I would say NO. 

It doesn't matter anymore. Whatever we had was in the distant past. Dead and gone.

Treats

Number 4 started her co-curricular sessions on 27 January. Once a month on a Saturday she will go to school for half a day to participate in non-academic activities.

She has been assigned to Girl Scouts & Chess- the school alternates the activities- one Saturday she will do Girl Scouts activities and the next Saturday, chess.

For the first session, I had given her 5 ringgits to buy food because I didn't have small change.
Told her to spend only 2 and bring home 3 bucks.

On the way back from school, the shuttle van made a stop at the shop for the kids to buy ice-cream. The other children had Solero that they bought for RM1.20.
Once she came home she told me all about it.

I asked: why didn't you spend the money to buy Solero too?

She answered: because I promised to bring home RM3 for you

My sweetheart. The very next day we went out for Solero & more :)

Tips for Cheating on Your Wife

Wives, you will probably be angry at me for this post and question my motive, but please do bear with me & read this entry right to the very end.

These pointers were formulated based on actual events/ observations/ interviews and they finally came to fruition after nearly 4 years of personal reflection. Consider this my personal enlightenment piece (if you wish) so here we go!

1) If you can, find someone who lives close to your matrimonial home: not next door neighbour or 2-blocks down type of close, but preferably within 20km radius (if in KL/ PJ, 10km radius is a safer bet due to the traffic situation). This is because the process of picking up & dropping off takes a lot of time, time that you may need to explain/ justify (unless you want to put Grab/ Uber drivers on your permanent payroll). Take her to dinner/ lunch/ breakfast in less conspicuous locations not frequented by your family, colleagues and friends because you probably wouldn't want to explain what you're doing dining together with this 'client' too early on. If you're the type who's a weekend husband or frequently works out of town, this part is considered a done deal (skip to notes 2-13).

2) If covering this 'personal interest' with a hobby (e.g. cycling/ running/ fishing/ hiking etc), please ensure that your alibi is airtight from start to finish and as obsessively detail-oriented as possible from start (when you leave the house/ office) to finish (till you reach home). If the excuse is a rigorous activity, the shirt that you allegedly wore during the activity should be drenched or at least a little wet. If travelling with the other woman, please ensure that you photograph how your wife packed your bag and copy the EXACT packing style (including & especially folding of socks, ties and underwear) before returning home and ensure that she keeps her underwear/ brooches/ feminine looking personal items in her own luggage, not yours.

3) Compartmentalise and prioritise. NEVER in any situation inadvertently blurt out her name or talk about the other lady to your wife/ her friends/ her best friends and NEVER EVER mix up schedules/ events/ people/ names/ meals cooked (or had) in front of the other. You are now orbiting in 2 separate galaxies: your wife's and the other woman's. If you have multiple personalities this should be relatively easy to pull off.

4) Find someone better (I recommend at least 2 times better: in looks, physique, manners, class, achievement, career- everything!) than your wife so she wouldn't feel like she lost to a lesser person who fills a void or an eye candy/ fluff who fulfills your basic instinct (if you know what I mean).

5) Keep jewelry on standby- if you buy something for her please buy something of equal or greater value for your wife. I mean this person is your life companion, gave birth to your children, puts up with your idiosyncrasies and in some cases gave up her own career to let yours flourish- so when I mentioned "value", this is the value that you should measure. Of course your wife will be crazy upset when she finds out about her but will probably (and hopefully) be a tad appeased by your previously valuable & thoughtful gifts.

6) If your (married life) pattern is different from pattern after the affair began, again please make sure you have an alibi. For example, if you are a homebody who is usually home by 6pm (8pm tops), be prepared to answer a lot of probing questions about the change in schedule (cross refer to item 2). There is only so many office dinners or late night meetings or 'teh tarik' sessions you can go to in a week/ month, right?

7) Delete all messages before you get home and answer calls (received while at home with wife and kids) as casually as possible. DO NOT in any case suddenly spring up from your seat and take the call outside or look too terribly pleased/ forlorn/ puppy-dog when receiving her call. Better still please tell her not to call during certain times of day, because you have important board meetings/ high-level security transactions/ creative process that you have to attend to. Switch off your phone at night and ask your family members to call the house or your wife in case of any emergency.

8) Treat your wife like a Queen (or at least the Queen Mother), i.e. 3-4 times better than you ever did throughout your dating & married life: in bed, in purchasing gifts, in conversations. In EVERYTHING. The reason is similar to item 5 (appeasing the disgruntled).

9) "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" is completely true and accurate. TOTALLY. Try not to test this at any cost or you will not walk away unscathed.

10) Always prepare for the worst-case-ever scenario to happen and prepare at least 2 (3 is better) plausible reasons/ excuse/ alibi for your actions that does NOT point to your wife's deficiency/ shortcomings that drove you into the arms of another. Also ensure that 1-2 of your closest friends/ bros back you up in chorus, singing the exact same tune (but make it natural, not forced or fake/ disingenuous- so practice, practice, practice they must).

11) Be kinder, gentler, more gracious, more generous, more religious than ever before and mean it. This is your leverage when she is about to leave you because of your indiscretion- at least there'll be a moment of fleeting doubt/ second thoughts before she kicks you out of the house. If asked why the change, one possible reason (unfortunately commonly used) is mid-life crisis but this will not work if you happen to be in your 20s or 30s. If you belong to the younger age group, please answer along the lines of "I have realised my follies as man & would like to turn my life around/ be the best me for you and the children* (if you have children)".

12) Finances/ receipts: do not keep any paper record of any kind. If the receipt relates to a warranty or proof of purchase of some kind, please let the respective parties keep it. So they would know the price of the item- so what- this is a small teensy matter compared to having your head on the chopping block.

13) For good luck this last point is added. You may end up eating more than you should. Context: you already had dinner with the other woman & you wife waits up to have dinner with you. If you are usually a hearty eater, I suggest to eat sparingly with her & more enthusiastically with your wife especially if she had done the cooking. Throw in genuine comments on how good the meal is and how well she has taken care of you all this time, for good measure.



Well ladies, wives in particular, in the end who actually suffers?

The web of lies may constrict and suffocate the weaver.. and I doubt that he sleeps easy at night.. so in a way that is justice enough.



Men as it is, is already terrible at multitasking (Why do you think most men pass complete and total childcare duties to the wife?). So this added responsibility and lying and justifying his actions may just lead to an early death (or some type of breakdown/ flaw) and the irony is: when he suffers a heart attack/ stroke the other woman will be the first to take off, leaving the responsibility to rest upon the wife's shoulders. [This is my angry ending version]


Preferably and fingers crossed they'll never find out about the other, or the husband may end up with one or two or more axe-wielding & very cross women in his path. In some cases where the husband took very good care of the wife the affair may not surface ever & nobody's none the wiser. In some cases it surfaces after his death- this may leave the wife & the other with a lot of unanswered questions so I don't really recommend this, unless the man has explained this carefully and graciously in the will that he left behind (with a fair division of property based on the respective parties' contribution to his life/ success). [This is the slightly angry version, yet struggling to remain neutral].


There has been multiple research on the reasons & effects of infidelity: in some cases it may lead to strengthening the marriage, depending on how the post-affair issues are handled & how much love remains. So if ever one decides to partake in this particular venture, do be aware that it is an act not without consequence. More importantly, whatever happens each party involved must take responsibility for his/ her actions (and the effects thereof).  [This is the academic & neutral ending]


Overall, the main point that I want to make is infidelity is a choice. It is not like you wake up on day & suddenly see an attractive person to give an indecent proposal to & your hands are completely tied & your mouth moves on its own free will without any type of control on your part. Sure, you may think that your wife may not be your soulmate (or that you have found in the other woman your missing piece)- whatever. Go back to the beginning. Why did you marry her? Why did your promise before your Creator that you will take care of & cherish her? Why did you build a home with her- give her hopes and dreams? This is a person with life and feelings and wants and needs. Never take her for granted. Or you will realise one day, that who you have let go is probably the best thing you ever had. [This is the poignant & trying-to-be-intellectual-sounding ending]

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Words of Wisdom

These words were shared by a senior from my senior high school. As usual in social media the truth is unverified (short of asking the alleged writer himself)- the author is purportedly Tan Sri Abdul Wahid Omar formerly of Maybank. But share it I will, because to me it feels genuine and heartfelt- the date it was penned also coincides with my late father's birthday. He would have been 73 on the 7 of February 2018.

*Shared by Tan Sri Abdul Wahid Omar (AWO) regarding Leadership*

Assalamualaikum & good evening.

You may have read news reports on my statement relating to suggested limit of 10 years for CEOs.

Please find below my eight thoughts on Leadership and Succession extracted from my Keynote Address at the Malaysian Leadership Summit organised by The Institute of Leadership Development, UiTM on 6 February 2018.
I hope this will provide proper context & perspectives on the issue.

1. There are many aspects of leadership and succession that I can touch on. But perhaps I can confine it to eight.
*1* First is on the need to select the right leader.
Many people have been asking, what does it take to be a good and sustainable leader?
To my mind, beyond working hard and working smart, there are three prerequisites to becoming a good and sustainable leader.
*Unquestionable Integrity;*

*Competency;*
*Humility.*
Integrity is about “doing the right thing even when no one is watching”.
*A competent leader with unquestionable integrity and who works very hard will enjoy a reputation that will precede him.*
*Competency* *is about having the necessary knowledge and skills to do the job.*
*Humility is about treating people with mutual respect, about staying grounded to our roots and about being cognisant that we all serve a greater purpose. Humility is also about knowing that you don’t know everything and that you can't succeed without teamwork.*

*2.* Second is the need to put into place a proper succession planning and talent review process to cover key positions.
Not just for the CEO and CEO-1 positions but also for CEO-2 and even CEO-3 positions for large organisations. For each position, identify 3 potential candidates, their state of readiness (whether Ready Now, within 2 years or 3 years or 5 years) and what is the intervention required to prepare them to succeed the incumbent.
For such succession planning efforts to be successful, it needs to be driven from the top i.e. by the Board and Management alike.
Best practice is for Management to conduct a talent review session twice a year.

*3.* Third is the need to strike a right balance between internal and external talent. I personally believe in nurturing our internal talent or 'grow your own timber'. This is important to provide the employees with good career progression opportunities. However it is also important to bring in external talent from time to time to refresh the organisation and bring in external perspectives.
My rule of thumb is that all things being equal, one in every four or five senior positions should be filled externally.
That means 75%-80% of positions to be filled by internal promotions.

*4.* Fourth is the need for rejuvenation. Whilst long serving CEOs provide stability to the organisation, there is also the risk of the leader and his organisation slipping into complacency.
I believe there is enough empirical evidence to suggest the performance of many companies whose CEOs have been at the helm for more than 10 years would not be as good as the CEO's performance in the first 10 years.
Therefore I subscribe to the belief that as a rule of thumb, no one should be in the same position for more than ten years, whether as a head of department or a CEO.
If he or she is good, then give him or her a bigger role or give him or her the opportunity to lead a bigger organisation.
I am pleased to note that PNB had already introduced a time limit of nine years for directors serving on the Board of its Group companies. I am therefore in favour of imposing time limits on the tenure of CEOs and Board members.
This will instil greater discipline on the CEOs to identify and prepare his successor.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule but they need to be appropriately justified.

*5.* Fifth is about Diversity as a source of strength. I always believe in diversity as a source of strength for any organisation.
Diversity in terms of skills, gender, ethnicity, age and even nationality for multinational organisations.
Organisations that embrace diversity tend to perform better and more sustainably.
I am encouraged that most public listed companies have heeded the Prime Minister's call for greater gender diversity at the Board level.
The time has come for such diversity to be broadened further to cover ethnic and age diversity not just at the Board level but also at Management level too.

*6.* Speaking of diversity, some organisations get very defensive when we highlighted the lack of diversity in their organisations.
They would immediately claim everything is based on merit. Which brings me to the Sixth point on the need for us to be conscious about the *"Affinity-Favouritism-Cronyism-Prejudice Continuum"*.
Well, we are all human beings and it is only natural for us to have affinity towards people from the same school, same university, same profession, same State, same clan, same ethnicity, same religion, and same nationality.
For example, I studied at MRSM Seremban and I have great affinity towards former MRSM students.
Similarly I am a Johorean and therefore I naturally have affinity towards my fellow Bangsa Johor. But if we do not contain our affinity, it can easily become favouritism. And if you don't control it, it will become cronyism. Eventually, it may even result in prejudice. I have worked in an organisation where a large number of the CEOs in the Group were from the same school.
I have also come across a company where more than half of the senior management were from the same secondary school.

In such a situation, you may be depriving your organisation of quality talent to propel your organisation.
At the same time you may be depriving deserving candidates the opportunity to excel in their career.
So it is useful for us to be conscious of the diversity in our organisation (or department) and ensure we do not practice favouritism nor cronyism.

*7.* Seventh is about giving the young people the opportunity to lead.
I was fortunate to be given the opportunity to be the CEO of UEM-Renong Group when I was 37 years old.
Dato' Abdul Rahman Ahmad was 32 when he was appointed as CEO of MRCB.
Likewise Tan Sri Mohd Bakke Mohd Salleh (35),
Dato' Seri Che Khalib Mohamad Noh (33),
Dato' Shahril Ridza Ridzuan (32),

Tan Sri Azman Yahya (30),
Dato’ Mohammed Azlan Hashim (32)

and many others were given the opportunity to be CEOs in their 30s and early 40s.
Yet many of us now regard executives in their 30s and 40s as being too young to be CEOs.
I have even come across some Board members opposing the appointment of someone as CEO for being too young.
That CEO was 50 years old! The time has come for us to renew our commitment to nurture future leaders and have the courage to give some talented young managers, with the prerequisites of being a good leader of course, the opportunity to lead an organisation as CEO.

*8.* The Eighth point is about the need to develop quality leaders in sufficient quantity.
Many organisations complain about how their managers and executives are being poached by competitors and other organisations.
I tend to take a more liberal view on this. Surely it is quite flattering when other organisations regard the people you have trained as being good and talented.
So, instead of complaining, what if you were to hire and train more people so that you will still have enough people even after half of the people you have trained left you after say ten years?
These people whom you have trained will be your ambassadors and reference points in the future.
I hope you find this useful.

Best regards.
*AWO. 07.02.18.*

Thursday, February 08, 2018

Dark Forces

"Help Us. Our World is now ruled by the Witch Queen. Get me out of here, quick!"

This note is mine. I wish to send it like a beacon, but to whom?

Who will listen?

There's something about the department now that makes working there terribly uncomfortable and stressful. Granted, we have ALWAYS worked under stressful situations with our multiple intakes and high teaching hours and we have to master a myriad of processes (they blame ISO but ISO itself have given at least 20 recommendations to simplify our work, so whose fault is it now???) YET we have always helped each other and stuck together and feel like someone is on our side (at least partially).

Now we are on our own, every step monitored, every day of 24 hours is expected to be fully utilised and no delay should ever take place God Forbid. Regardless of the number of classes you have been assigned. Regardless of the number of students you're teaching. Regardless of whatever additional tasks that you have been asked to do by the powers that be. Regardless of anything bar none (except your own demise, I would think).

What have we become? Machines in the making?

So we have to be good in teaching AND contribute to department glory (with activities that are forced upon us) AND mentor/ supervise/ coordinate interns AND adopt flipped classroom strategies/ e-learning to make learning fun for the Gen Y/ Gen Z kids AND meet all deadlines bar none AND juggle marking/ teaching/ preparing new materials AND maintain work life balance (HA HA HA).

Which planet did the witch come from? Her former uni had 2 bloody intakes and she complains of workload. We have 5 new intakes and multiple continuing intakes and she does not teach one single class. The only thing that she does is harp on how slow we are; how late we submit things and why we are not doing development work. WTF.

The non-complainers are now complaining.
The loyal good lecturers are now leaving.

What do we do about it? I will leave and not do anything about it actually. Good luck to everybody.

That is the witch's plan. To replace everybody with subservient minions who will do everything that she says (because they won't know any better anyways). So there. My rant.

2 weeks from now I will probably see how angry and bitter this entry is. But what the heck. I probably need a therapist right about now. (HELP!)