Men in Marriage

When Hailey Baldwin made a statement that "marriage is hard" in an interview, I completely agreedwith her. Being married to Justin Bieber is that much harder I would think, him being a public figure & with all those girls ('Beliebers') clamoring for his attention.

In my case, I felt happy on the day I married. [It is still hard though].

Big picture: I chose to be with a man whom I love & loves me back. And we made some plans for the future, with each other in the picture.

Nitty Gritty (forgive me for the 3rd person language in some parts, as I don't feel like lecturing myself): After marriage, be prepared to have the other person take you for granted (AND vice versa) because your spouse will always be there 24-7. There are no more (or rather, very little) romancing- both parties are equally at fault. The words we say or any discussions made will inflate in value & meaning (and at times, with aggravated speculation) by 1000% (more on my part than his).

Moving forward: I will be less dramatic and less busy body and less disruptive of his life. I will respect all that he does fully & connect with him only when he requires it. I will take back ownership of my life and carry on. Marrying him was a choice I made & I will battle the demons myself.

Kinda like English period drama. Minus the heavy make-up and costumes.

Life's Like That

A white cat gave birth at our house when I was away hiking at Jogja.

She was Siamese-cat-like in look (I do not know the cat species any better) and she gave birth to 4 cute kittens. One grey, one peach coloured & 2 brown. Long haired and fluffy. No. 4 and No. 5 could not stop looking at them.

Well me being the practical person, when I returned home I had called the animal shelter to arrange for deportation. Because I cannot stand cat fur (I get really itchy everywhere) and I know eventually the caretaker will be me, no matter how much the children promise to clean & feed them.

This call was made from the office because I do not want the cats to overhear me.

I was asked to send them over in about a week, as that time the nursery was being disinfected.

Lo and Behold, before the weekend arrived, their mommy had transported them elsewhere. Nowhere to be found. Incidentally I admire cats for their diligence in carrying the kittens in their mouths One by One until they reach the undeclared destination.

They returned a month later and the kittens have grown. Thankfully their mommy's destination this time was my neighbour's house 🙈

Red Polished Nails

2 people in history (mine actually) incited fear with their shiny red polished nails: one was Mrs Wong my Economics lecturer during A-Levels & Jas, my academic leader. The latter has become less scary now & her nails not as red, but let me tell you about being in Mrs Wong's class.

Some backstory: so that you form a picture in your mind. Context-setting, if you like.

She is well-to-do, drove a glimmering new Mercedes (probably C or E class, can't remember). We speculated that she married a rich guy- either that, or she could be someone who's really good at making money. She is VERY SMART, knows economics (both micro and macro) like it is her birthdate or phone number,  and speaks with a style (something like Fran Drescher in The Nanny but slightly less annoying). When she was teaching us, she would have been in her 40s. She was always well-dressed (no outfit hardly repeated twice for the 2 years we were in A-Levels), well made up & no strand of hair out of place, always prim and proper (and expects the same from us boisterous teens) and a complete terror in class.

When whatsapp became the mode of communication, we created one A-Level class group and one of our key discussion was recollections of our past trauma in her class. We could not get any answer right, except for Siti and Fariz. Siti went on to do Economics in Southampton, and eventually married Fariz when he asked her.

Fitty and Ili used to be grilled with endless questioning, and we always wanted to help, but were never allowed to answer any of the questions for them (we wouldn't dare either). These 2 were probably the most traumatised. Me, I was neither her favourite or least favourite list (not that she ever had any, it just seemed so in our inexperienced years). My trick for survival is to lay low, do not volunteer any sort of answer unless asked, and do ALL of her exercises & read ALL the articles that she asked us to read. ONE time she had a flash of "oh-you-have-done-the-reading-like-I-asked-you-to" look when I answered a question, but it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

So, in all, she was quite a character. And a memorable one at that. And she was probably the reason I got a "C" in Economics. I would have failed otherwise: learning Economics to me (especially macroeconomics) was like learning wizardry- I cannot make any sense of it.

Wafa recently contacted her & she suggested that we all meet up. And just so you know, we initially warmed up to the idea but eventually it fizzled off. Whether we would actually meet her, is left to be seen. If we do, you will see a Part 2 of this post 😅

Cik Awi

On 30 April 2019, my mom's youngest brother breathed his last breath. Just a couple of days short of Ramadan. Cause of death: Heart Attack.

He had had the attack the night before but went to work the next morning. Went for a meeting. Then to lunch. Then the second attack happened. He was sent to the hospital and collapsed there. He passed away at about 4.45 pm and the hospital switched off the oxygen-supplying machine.

His children were distraught. Reeling. Yet they were gracious. In Letting Go. As hard as it was.

Cik Awi grew up with us in the 70's when my late father was posted to Mersing, a quaint seaside town of Johor. When I was born, he was still in high school with my cousin Kak Mar, who was also staying with us. Kak Mar eventually left to marry her sweetheart soon after she completed high school, and Cik Awi eventually continued his degree studies in the University of Jakarta.

After uni, he went to work with the shipping industry as a marine engineer. He was mostly working at the engine where it's hot and it is his job to 'drive the ship', he says.

For my final high school year, I did an interview with him and prepared a folio for the career counseling centre, about the job of a marine engineer. My teacher said it is a unique folio for a unique career (then), and it made the cut as a reference to other students.

Cik Awi was quite a character. Headstrong. Brave. Strict. Funny. In-your-face Direct.

He had made his income & a small fortune working in the Oil & Gas industry. On the day he died, he was still working & earning a decent living for his family.

The day after a famous personality Dato Dr Hassan Din passed on; the night before he had delivered a sermon titled "If this were my (our) last Ramadan". Profound.

May Allah bless both their souls in eternity. Al-Fatihah.

The Power of Forgiveness (and Moving On)

Lately in the news (or rather in the tabloids/ gossip sections) there were some viral news related to infidelity: this husband who is serially unfaithful & his wife filed for divorce; that husband who allegedly dated his wife's best friend; or this husband who went away for work/ business for months & did not contact his wife & children because he has an eye-candy on the side to keep him occupied; or that husband who was photographed kissing someone else in the cab; or that popular on-screen & off-screen couple who decided to divorce due to an alleged presence of a 'third person'.

These news & eventually the decisions of the couple (to fix what's broken or throw it all away) may be heatedly debated now, as they happen & especially since famous people are involved. Yet AFTER that, or rather many years after, would the parties still hang on or let go?

One of my close friends is married to a divorcee. He had had children from the previous marriage & his ex wife and him divorced probably 6-7 years ago yet they still haven't sorted out the property and alimony to the wife. Basically she's insistent that she deserves more, for having given up her profession to raise the family & they may be going to court many years from now too I suppose because the property division is also not agreed. And she calls and bothers my friend with angry words when the ex-husband does not reply to her fiery messages (he was just trying to extricate himself and not reply equally in anger), to the extent that my friend blocked her number.

Granted I heard just ONE side of the story from my friend, until yesterday. I got hold of valid news that the ex-wife has re-married and is now expecting a child with her new man. She married someone's husband, someone very well-to-do, as wife number 3. In my view at least she has many reasons to be happy: the husband who is caring for her; her children are very smart and good kids (for this I take my hats off to her, for being a fantastic mom in raising very smart & well-adjusted children); she doesn't have to work to earn a living- the ex still pays her some money to maintain her living (because he had asked her to quit her job when they were married); she has friends who will be with her through thick and thin (I also happen to know this close-knit group by association); among others.

SO, what is my point? Is she not happy now? Why have she not forgiven and moved on emotionally?

I may be oversimplifying things & perhaps just scratching the surface. And I do not know her that well, she happen to be a schoolmate from long ago and I am more of an acquaintance, not quite a close friend- so who am I to judge? Just based on the triangulated facts, I summarise that she ain't happy with her ex. Something is unfinished there. They probably need to get that sorted or ignored, should the path of least resistance be their choice.

Having said that however, I do have friends who still cannot talk to their exes after umpteenth years of divorce. They just cannot. Too heavy to handle. So they didn't do anything about it and their children suffer: they're not allowed to contact or meet the father. Cases of Anger breeding Sadness.

HENCE, coming to my next point: Should forgiveness not be the solution?
Forgive and make the settlement.
Forgive and let the children see their father.
Forgive and set your soul free.

Forgetting is an option... and that's another story altogether 😜