All We Need are Moments

Yesterday one of our friends held a wedding for her eldest daughter. We appreciated the invite and enjoyed the mini get together in the hall. The next one will be our reunion probably in October. That will be the event to celebrate our 50th year of life. It is a significant milestone and we are completely blessed to be granted this life for this long and with good health. 

All we have are moments to live and to cherish. I want to be the best person, the best mother, the best wife, the best employee, and I hope that when life ends the Creator will be sufficiently happy with my report card on this planet. 

As Smelly as the Next Person

Brushing my teeth this morning, I had a self-realisation moment. Not a NEW self-realisation moment but rather a re-cap. Humans are smelly. We portray our best self to the world, but in reality we are as fallible*, as weak and as preposterous as the next person.

Having real friends help. They stand by us and do not suffer any behavioural nonsense. We will be told upfront (in exact terms) what is wrong with us, and if we're smart, we will take necessary actions to improve after feedback is received.

Having a husband and supporter definitely helps too. I will proceed with D-day but I hope we can plan and refocus our future together. My heart is totally broken, but I need some time to heal. When it heals it will beat so much stronger. 

* I am familiar with the word 'infallible', but it had to be used like this "Humans are not infallible" > which sounded too nerdy/ literary. Hence I have chosen to use fallible instead, and found that it is a proper entry in the dictionary (but of course!).

I Overthink

When I see my 4th daughter getting frazzled by the smallest thing, I feel a little guilty. That is SO my trait, and I have passed it on to her. Why do I overthink? Can't avoid it, especially now. After what happened. My brain works double time and overthink the overthought stuff.

Hence in due time I must seek therapy. It has become crucial for self preservation. I don't want to wear myself down replaying the events or questioning the motivations, because everything has happened in the way they did. Nothing that I could ever do to change anything. As they say, it is what it is. 

Hence I prefer to be quiet and reflective. There is really nothing to shout about when the source is from a place of pain. Let time heal the pain, and let love overcome the hurt.

How much more growing up do we need to do?

Short answer: A WHOLE LOT MORE, I would think.

On 19 November this year, I would have lived 50 years on this earth, and I  can't say that I know stuff. I really don't know most things. I have been purely lucky and blessed to have wonderful parents and opportunities to pursue education, marriage, parenthood and career within a very safe space. 

I have not had to face major discrimination, or famine, or even poverty for that matter- for this I consider myself and my children immensely blessed. What I label as being broke would be a leg up for some people. AT THE SAME TIME, what I consider comfortable might be small change or negligible by some others. There are all sorts of people, and income, and lives. We all handle the cards we are dealt.

Of late there are a number of cases of youth suicides. They took the 'easy' way out, some said. Personally, this topic of suicide is never easy or straightforward, and definitely not the way out in my books. Because there is a lot more life to live, and there are also those whom we leave behind. I am 200% sure that these departed souls have been loved and cherished, may be not in the way they expect or perceive, but they had been a significant in another person's jigsaw.

To close this entry, I bid everyone the best of luck in handling this life journey. May we find many sweet moments, multiple learning experiences that we can keep and share, as well as many good people who will help us move along. May we achieve growth, experience, and may our tears (of joy or sadness) spur us on to greatness. Keep going and may life enrich us always 💖

Relationship Status: It's Complicated

We enjoy the times we have had together.

He is a patient person and one of the best travel mates I have had in my life.

We can have conversations literally about anything in the world.

Our taste buds matched and we have a good appetite whenever we're in each others' company.

If only he could focus on and love only me. Is that too much to ask?

I really wish that I could forget everything and we could start over.

However we can't (start over). 

I want to throw out 19 February 2019 with the trash.

The time that we have after D day, I will use it to heal.

Sign myself up for therapy and do some self-healing.

Restructure my emotions and try to understand my reactions.

All these other people do not matter. 

Only WE matter (Do we?)

He may find someone better, and I will be happy for him if/ when he does.

That I promise.

My heart is heavy, like a stone.. more like a megalith actually.

I hope I will sleep through tonight and wake up in one piece tomorrow.

[How can someone be so right AND so wrong for another, at the same time??!!??]

Working under a Constraint

100,000 words is no joke. I am approaching nearly 70,000 words and the laptop is ever so slow when opening the word document, as if it had been instructed to scan every word every line before opening the document. In the meantime I had gone downstairs for lunch, washed the plates, and reheated the food.

When I came upstairs I accidentally closed the file and had to wait for it to restart, hence I am writing this blog in the meantime. Honestly I cannot imagine those who did this in the yonder days, with a manual typewriter and 3 dozen edits. 

In comparison, we have it super easy with cloud documents, accessible anytime anywhere.

Mendeley cite is another godsend, thank you to all its makers.

In time, I will finish my PhD, before my patience runs out 🧘‍♀️🙏

Stockholm Syndrome

 "Stockholm syndrome isn't a psychological diagnosis. Instead, it's a way of understanding the emotional response some people have toward a captor or an abuser. It happens to some abuse and hostage victims when they have positive feelings toward an abuser or a captor." Begum, 2023

My messages to my captor:

You do not have the answer to my questions.

I will not seek in you the solution to the problem that you created.