Thursday, June 30, 2016

Our Little Piece of Heaven

Up until only recently did I embrace our home fully. It is a home where my children is growing up. Initially when our housekeeper/ helper left, we had issues with organising the operations i.e. washing and cleaning duties. Psychologically, I had some memories of Mr Ex hovering in the background.

Right at this very month/ moment however, I feel very comfortable with the house. Now the older children have assumed various responsibilities and we work together to manage the household. The little ones have reached the age which does not require close monitoring or scrutiny, and they help themselves with food or snacks available when they feel like it. Being sent to daycare in the day, the little ones have learnt to be independent and responsible i.e. simple things like carrying the plates to the kitchen sink are done more willingly now (compared to the tantrums before). I cook during weekends and for dinner daily, and I am very happy to report that my cooking skills have improved- the meals I cook are now palatable and suitable for consumption (haha)... they may even be delicious on certain days!

Coming home yesterday & while putting away some books, I felt things coming together. After 2 years and 3 months I can now comfortably say that I am alright. On my feet. More certain. No longer forlorn. Completely in acceptance of what Mr Ex did & its outcome on our relationship.

This is our home. This is where we act silly/ play/ laugh/ sing/ dance/ cry/ reminisce. There's no telling how long more we will be here, or what will happen next.. but we will stick together and love each other always.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Suspended Judgement

Last night for supper, a married friend brought his new flame along. She is a sweet young thing (in her early 20's perhaps), of average height & slim with hardly any body fat. This friend stays in KL alone while his wife resides in the East Coast, taking care of their matrimonial home & children. So I guess now he has company.

My initial reaction was: WTF. What the hell is this?

After a few minutes, the reaction changed completely to: WHATEVER. Do what you want.

As usual me the thinker & overanalyser kicked in on the drive home.

  • Does she know that he is married with children? 
  • If she knows, would she mind or would she step back?
  • What does he see in her, that the wife could not provide- youth perhaps? Exuberance?
  • Is this a phase for him (mid-life crisis) or do they intend to have a long-lasting, permanent relationship (the big M)? 
  • The tricky thing with Muslim men is that they could marry more than one so there IS a possibility that they may just get hitched, with or without the wife knowing. Incidentally though, it doesn't really matter whether the wife consented to the union, as long as the husband can financially provide for her. In a way I see that polygamy is a real and legal way to protect women, rather than having men keep such women as mistresses and escorts yes?
  • If or when the wife finds out, what would she do? Would she demand a divorce with a handsome settlement, or would she agree to sharing of a husband? From what I observed, women who are homemakers (... and women who are completely in love & besotted with their husbands) tend to stay in the marriage. Homemakers: Could it be that they are dependent on the husband? Could it be that the first wife is a husband's real love & she really loves him? Could it be that she would like to maintain all the benefits one gets as the first wife?
  • Is she (the third party) a good person? I do hope she is, and that he sees this purity (of heart) in her instead of her physique and youth- because these fade away in time
  • How much a hand did my friend have in this whole "plan"? Was she the one who seduced him, or was he the one who approached her first? Or was it love at first sight (*blech*)

Unfortunately I still AM judgemental but decided to let it go & not get involved in their romance... Parts of me now realises that I am now seeing the start of a relationship that Mr Ex himself would have gotten into in 2012 with the person who eventually became his fiance. He would have brought her along to his gatherings.. and his friends would have all kept quiet. Sad. 

Bizarre as it was, sloppy as he is, he managed to snare an ass.. and to this day there remains a minute level of irritation on my part.. BIG MISTAKE BROTHER! No thinking process behind it whatsoever. Sad, knowing that he is an educated man who can discern the value in people (hence he chose me, right???). 

Let GO. Let's observe this romance & see how far it goes. I root for the first wives' team, hands down. May we all find the happiness we seek. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Seriously, What's NEXT?

Nowhere near figuring out what I want to do next, but the strongest feeling is I do not want to teach anymore. Coming to the 13th year of teaching, I am feeling that it is time to take a break (or stop) and do something else which is more mentally stimulating.

The tasks are mind-numbing, because I repeat them semester after semester after semester.

In my earlier years 2003 till about 2012 (or 2013) I had done various academic roles- those were mind and eye-openers. Now that I am fully teaching, I feel very lethargic and purpose-less, having repeated the same old comments and explanations/ definitions/ exercises for the umpteenth time.

Purpose

Last night over hot nasi lemak we talked about the previous events that we have handled and how to take the alumni group forward. It made me realise how important the activities were for my personal growth and in helping me get over my issues with Mr Ex.

Doing social work- it takes you out of your comfort zone. Getting involved in something bigger than yourself will likely help you prioritise and re-focus. In my case, it helped me improve my self-esteem; validate myself in relation to Mr Ex, as I can say now for certain that my team CAN handle alumni activities as well as, or might I say better, than his; and get over N, who kept discouraging me from going and participating in the event, citing parental duty as the utmost priority.

What I want to do now is NOT get involved anymore. Like the blood donation drive which I participated in previously, my attitude towards alumni groups is "been there, done that". Unless we come up with a far more fantastic project (than the ones we have carried out), I would rather concentrate on my children and studies.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

No Title

Aidilfitri is fast approaching- feeling not quite ready for it. On the home front, I am absolutely glad to report that I am cooking practically every day for sahur- and no longer intimidated by the preparation or cooking process. That is one major issue out of the way.

With S unfortunately I still feel shaky and uncertain. I do appreciate his patience, handling the complex person that I am. Maybe I am not easy to love, I don't know. At times I do wonder if I should just be by myself & make his life easier. Now it suffices to say that I am rather terrified at the prospect of "What's next?".

Work-wise I still feel hopelessly unmotivated. The tasks are mind-numbing and I have encountered backlog. Mea Culpa. Completely and utterly my own fault. Trying to push myself to mark 59 assignment scripts without falling asleep after every 2 scripts.

Furthering my studies- how do I go about it? My heart is all for NZ yet I can't seem to make the financials work. Application and admission will be reasonably easy-breezy, and I would have to then figure out how to survive and pay for the children staying in Malaysia. Well if I really want to challenge myself, this is the way to go. Do the hardest most unfathomable thing ever and survive. We will all grow from the experience. Or the slightly easier way to go about it is to finish the DBA here & consider post-doctoral studies far from home.

Taking my dreams into action is much3 easier said than done. I am still paralysed and hesitant in not submitting the forms. Why not? What's the worst thing that could happen? I could fail miserably and lose the children in the process. Playing the high stake game there!

Sometimes perhaps a sacrifice is in order. Step back, give in & let the children grow, finish their studies and after that pursue my own wants & needs. Haven't fully decided yet but would follow what S said. Never change. Be myself. So the decisions have to be because of me, not him. Do you see why I love him now?

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

What's Next?

Currently I have hit the open road.. well I hit the open road unceremoniously last 2 years but now I have some semblance of a plan..

Options are there.. so I need to choose wisely..

Should really try this online business thingie.. and start earning small amounts here and there.. and see how viable it is..

Having online presence.. and be a speaker.. that is also another possibility.. yet I do prefer to do more writing and thinking.. strategising.. if that is possible..

Right now things are slowly coming together.. not as dandy as I had hoped but at least I have enough for now.. I do pray for strength to get me through... Let's do it my dear girl..

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Life, Unfolding

Currently feeling rather complacent about work, that I am not really growing & thinking of making a change. What do I do next?

As I see it the following are some of my options:

1- Stay & take up additional tasks that I have never done before in this organisation; or

2- Remain as a senior lecturer (without added responsibilities) and pursue my DBA*; or

3- Go back to practice; or

4- Rejoin the industry (legal department); or

5- Work in Singapore as a lecturer; or

6- Work in Singapore as a lawyer; or

7- Pursue my PhD (topic: flexi work) in New Zealand & return to Malaysia upon its completion; or

8- Pursue my PhD (topic: flexi work) in New Zealand & stay for good; or

9- Start a training/ consulting/ event management business; or

10- Work freelance doing various jobs; or

11- Become a writer (how do I make money doing this?); or

12- Sell any product that are worthwhile (product recommendations & sale).

The initial choice is marked with * and without fear or intervention, this is probably the easiest to do.

What is in my mind is the 5 mouths to feed. I can probably hustle and fail miserably on my own, but the stakes are higher when there are kids to raise.

Going back to practice- the main reason is that I feel that I have never quite finished what I started. Had wanted to be a corporate lawyer so badly and got started with corporate loans & basic JV agreements before I jumped into teaching. Which I really enjoy (no doubt). However after the umpteenth time teaching about sale of goods, it kinda gets to me. The routine things numb my mind- marking, preparing exam papers, moderation, meetings.. reminiscent of wash-rinse-dry-repeat (*sigh*).

The next thing to do is to present this to the teens. Of course the final say is mine- but I would consider their views important because whatever I choose entails added responsibilities and some degree of change/ adjustment on their part.

What is next? (How much time do I have?) Feels like now I am preparing for a jump.. and hopefully the parachute is ready to open when the time comes.. or the landing area has been padded properly.

GOOD LUCK TO ME!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Hope

One day I would like to be home with my children and be able to cook and do activities with them. Watch them grow up properly. Will give myself another year and drop the idea permanently if I still can't find a way to work from home.

Just now our friend shared a personal message with her hubby on our group wall/ page. Her FIL is staying with her during Ramadan & she is feeling rather inadept without any help. However when she received a message from hubby that he loves her & thankful to have such a thoughtful wife, she decided to accept the task fully.

To me it is rather sweet. They do not meet all that much, as her hubby handles their business in KL and returns home to Penang only on weekends. In this lies my main point: that everybody gets their own set of challenges. Life's tests are customised & no copying is allowed.

Another friend is challenged by a hubby with ALS, basically where the muscles waste away. She would have to opt for early retirement and take 1/3 of her salary (instead of 1/2 for a full retirement). Soon she will be the full time carer for her hubby. He feels guilty about having to ask her to leave employment, but she decided to embrace it fully. She herself is an achiever and high flyer, and I can imagine her emotions now when faced with such a choice.

At the end of the day, what matters is how we serve our Maker by serving the mortals we have chosen to be with (i.e. hubby and extended family) and those we choose to have (i.e. children). May Allah have mercy on all of us & grant us eternal grace and strength to carry on.

Monday, June 13, 2016

Solution-Oriented

Whenever I feel confrontational.. I should probably be quiet and let it be. Is that considered a mature thing to do? Because there is nothing to fight about, right?

He enjoyed himself during the breaking of fast. The programme is considered successful. Nothing to complain about, right?

Why do I feel like I wanted to break up? What was the trigger this time?

Owh.. the question in the car.. What have you guys planned?

And the very nonchalant answer.. Nothing, we're just gonna eat at the school.

That's it really. He didn't lie. So? What is the problem?

Well I felt that he didn't trust me enough to divulge that little info. If had wanted to keep it a secret.. well he could have told me "it is a secret".. and will eagerly await the moment.

Am I expecting too much? Am I ready for this?

Is this considered overreacting? Can you please give me something worthwhile to do.. so that I do not find fault & bicker over the littlest thing?

Self-Sufficiency

Live.. live this life the best way you can my girl.

There is so much to look forward to.. don't ever dull your light just to make another person feel more comfortable around you.

I am thankful for the people I have met and the connections I have made.

This life is wonderful & it is a great privilege to live it.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Private Victory

Today a group of former students decided to have a breaking of fast ceremony at our alma mater. As usual I overanalyze EVERYTHING and the only difference now I won't say anything to S. It is done. Will just vent here, where nobody visits. Haha.

Why were select people invited?
Why did the event not coincide with our alumni group's breaking of fast (next week)?
Is this the start of a sub-faction?
An illustration of one person's circle of influence over another?
Or is the event borne out of a completely pure sincere intent to give back to the school?
Why was a statement given saying that this event was 'unplanned'? Was it really?

Overall.. BIG PICTURE.. it appears everything is above board & gives the right message to the school.. that the alumni group is united in its solidarity to give back to current students. Can't argue with that. Go to bed. Leave it alone.

Monday, June 06, 2016

Ramadan Kareem

Today Muslims the world over celebrates the holy month of Ramadan. We start fasting at the break of dawn and breaks fast at dusk. It is a lesson in gratitude.. in emphatising with those less fortunate.. and a practice in moderation..

My number 4 has started fasting this year, at 8 years old. She woke up early to have sahur with us and in fact she lasted without food until about 6 pm, after which she asked for a glass of cold chocolate milk. Great job for a first day. I'm very glad. Tomorrow we will repeat the routine and push for 7.30 for her to break fast with the rest of us.

May the month of Ramadan brings us everlasting blessings.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

Learning to Manage

How do I become more positive?

Why must my life be about absolutes anyways?

Moral of the story is: I must love myself first before anybody else.. and (this advice is for my girls and women in general) never lend your name to a good for nothing liar.. I completely loathe him now..

Another moral of the story: the maximum number of children anyone should have is two.. no more, no matter how persuasive the man is (in his bullshit about wanting a large family).. well have more if he is a responsible income earner, treats you like a queen & is involved 200% in child-caring & child-rearing (and not just child-making).. girls, you will know this after the first child is born. If the man is a useless liar & expects you to do everything (and then some), one child is more than enough and you should go visit your gynae immediately for contraceptives advice.

AND never allow your name to be used for car/house/credit card purchases, no matter how much you think you love him.. because whatever you feel is not real & he loves at least one other (marriageable) woman besides you..

So.. I am now back to the drawing board.. my goal is to break out of all these nonsensical financial commitments.. and raise the children in the leanest way possible, without any financial aid from Mr Ex.. because I don't see how he will pay for it.. his empty promises carry no weight anymore.. so I will just wish him the best, move to another house and live within our means. That's it really. A sound financial advice in one sentence: live within your means. Let's do that and never rely on any man ever again.

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Going out of the Way

When will I learn my lesson?

During the courting period.. or even during marriage.. a man who loves a woman will go out of his way to do things for her.. not that I want to be super pedantic.. but a woman has got to insist on some minimum behavioural tasks. I don't know how to do that, so men step all over me all the time.

Note to self: learn to be more of a bitch and less of a martyr.. how to do that? Figure it out.

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Crowd sourcing

Today I finished the test that qualified me as a certified trainer for crowd sourcing. The next step to be done is to promote the idea to our students.

In very very simple English crowd sourcing platforms connect potential employers with ready-for-work workers. Kinda like the bulletin boards advertising jobs & interested parties tear the stub & call their potential hirers. The workers make money once they finish their work.

Cost-saving for employers and employees have control over which job he chooses.

What is certain are the following:
1- trainers must set the right expectations at the very beginning.. that signing up is similar to being a self employed person- no jobs or payments are guaranteed & there is always a risk.
2- trainers need to try out the full cycle to have a feel of what the whole transaction is like, consider it research if ever this is a condition.