Deep in My Heart

The topic of polygamy came up today. It is one topic that I do not like discussing, as I was once at the receiving end of a polygamy botch up. Not fun. Still traumatised by it, to be honest.

Having loved someone wholeheartedly, with full trust and with both feet forward.. and having that trust shattered into millions of broken pieces; it brought upon me a feeling of inexplicable grief. It is hard to explain. It is true that if you love someone, always keep some love for yourself- you will need it when your whole world shatters/ when your plans are tattered to shreds.

So, when a person discusses polygamy like it is okay (oh well, it IS okay as Allah has decreed it)- what I meant was when a polygamy is discussed as if there is nothing to it except 2 people fulfilling their duties/ needs/ love without collateral damage, I completely flipped.

However since this is MY blog I am just giving my POV.

Granted, there are many happy instances of polygamy where the individuals are happy/ content/ accepting. Hats off to them. All the power to all parties (because I will not be able to pull it off, thank you very much).

There are also views that I should not vehemently say no or reject the notion too strongly, because one day I may be tested in the same way (i.e. sharing a husband). Maybe, maybe not. I am generally of the view that whoever I marry should be trusted & if they have someone else I would like to be strong and cut off all ties. Immediately. No matter how distraught or damaged or broken I will be as a result. Because I can't live any other way.

I would like to be informed. I would like to be given a choice. I would like to be told the truth. Tell it to my face. What was it that is missing in me, that you see in the other person? No skeletons in the closet either please. Once trust is broken, it will never be repaired, ever.

So, I may stay single the whole of my life. Since I have trust issues. And it may be less messy to just be friends with men, and adore them from afar.. and enjoy their company once in a while.. and stay home and take care of the children. Period. That is a bad plan (to deny or block any kind of romantic involvement with any man), but a plan nevertheless. Good luck!

Distractions | Silence

How did we find each other pre-smartphones?
We always managed, didn't we?

We would plan our excursions at school, e.g. on Friday, to meet at a certain time, at a certain location, the next day or on Sunday.

On the agreed date & time, we would wait a certain number of minutes for everybody to show up. If someone doesn't show up, it means that she will not be able to join, or we would just ring the person up at home to be sure (using coins and public payphones).

This, I believe, instills discipline. Because everybody had to make sure they arrive on time. Inclusive of travelling time. Funnily enough, nobody actually got lost or abducted or missing. We would meet, go out on our excursion, go home, and meet everybody on Monday at school.

Same goes for school trips. Parents will simply trust that their children will be taken care of by the teachers, and show up at school on the date and time when they are scheduled to return.

No fuss. It was a liberating way to live. Compared to now, with reminders at every corner. With people asking your whereabouts to the second (if they choose). We have lost our freedom as the smartphones and technology pervades our very privacy, our family time, our solace.

No Other Place I Would Rather Be

Instead of being in a large group enjoying an apparent feast, I would rather be at home with my children. Quiet and Cosy. We had our dinner together just now, a very simple meal of fried chicken and fresh vegetables.. and we're good.

Somehow my heart is inclined to stay. Right where I am now.

The children will be asleep in a while and I will attend to some pending work. A little bit of 'me' time, as I go through PhD offers worldwide. Dreaming a little- to study far from home again.

Sober

What I wish to believe and what something actually is, may be two completely different things.

Love, to me, is a choice. I still ponder the fact at times, because many people believe that the Creator hands down that feeling & bamm you're in love (or rather, you would marry that person whom you're meant to be with).

This, to me, is the perpetual question of the universe: who is someone (am I) meant to be with?

So this time I will stop asking and leave it to fate (I don't know how that is done, but leave it to fate I will- no intervention, no complaints, no kicking and screaming in protest).

Next question: what characteristics do I look for in a person who is to be my partner for life? I don't know anymore actually. My answer used to be: I want a kind person. Lots of people are kind souls, so how do I narrow it down? Fall in love with the person who touched your heart (people say)- that narrows it down a bit more, perhaps down to 2-3 men. (And then what?)

For me I will start looking at it on the probability basis (even though I suck big time at Math & Statistics). Measure the likelihood of that kindness lasting beyond the dating period; of him being a reasonably 'normal' person; of the relationship working out (based on belief, lifestyle and life goals); of him being faithful/ loyal (this one was added after Mr Ex blindsided me with that person).

My best friends tell me the way I look at it is too complicated- uncomplicate it, they say. My mind works in a really weird way in that it overanalyses and ask questions that do not need asking.

I will vouch (for myself) that I am reasonably easy to love (or am I?). 

At this stage I am happy to love those related to me by blood. This marriage thing scares me now. Too many what if's. 200 things can go wrong with a union like that, it is practically a minefield.

How does one traverse through it? With hope in our hearts & the adamant belief that it WILL work out.. and if it doesn't, we can always get another divorce can't we?

On that note too, one of my best friends will be married by this time next week. Her third marriage with a person she had known for just 2 months & seemingly a great guy. I pray for her happiness and strength to endure any challenge she & they may face in marriage. All the best my dearie!!!

Gurinder Chadha

Yesterday night we had the honour of hosting this iconic woman at our campus.

She is the decorated director of Bend it Like Beckham, Bride and Prejudice, Mistress of Spices and the upcoming Viceroy's House (which will be coming to Malaysia in August- yay!).

In our newly built auditorium and in the audience of HRH Sultanah Kalsom of Pahang, Gurinder sat and spoke to us about her story, her achievements, her roots, her message. It felt like we were invited into her life; she was seated comfortably, we were intently paying attention- like we were sitting in her living room as she walked us through her movies & the messages behind them.

She had wanted to make films, not for the art houses or academics. To gain attention on the issues she wanted to bring to the fore, she had to make populist movies- movies watched by the public and gets people talking.

Her grand uncle was a soldier in the British Army, in the state that was to become Pakistan. Due to his contributions, he was awarded a piece of land in Kenya. So off they went as settlers in a foreign land, at the same time keeping their colonial masters safe from harm. She was born in Kenya and moved to the UK at a young age. Her experience as a British Indian shaped her style and message in film-making. Some of her notable works are as follows:

I'm British but...
Her first feature film with a backdrop of a folksy sounding song about men who leave their Punjab homeland to seek fortune. Gurinder did an interview with 4 Asians who are seemingly invisible characters- "on the margins" so to speak, they were brought forward and put on screen to discuss their multiple identity. One particular interview scene highlighted was how we (Asians) are fascinated (enamored even) with the colonial culture despite the suffering we have had in their hands (the interviewee had talked about the massacre at Amritsar).

Acting Our Age
Gurinder's message here is that anyone can be a filmmaker: "What is your story that is worth telling?". Here she gave a group of senior ladies and gentlemen the camera for them to film away & shoot a movie.

Bhaji on the Beach
(This one I have watched and literally rolled on the floor laughing!). The audience was asked: Who had watched this movie? Only a few hands went up & I wasn't sure if I had. Then she played the clip & I began to recall some scenes. I had watched this when I first arrived in Sheffield! In Bhaji on the Beach, two 'taboo' matters were brought to the fore: domestic violence and mixed race relationships, intertwined with comedy and 'stereotype' of Asians living in the UK.

What's Cooking
This was an "American' movie produced especially for the American audience, about a few families coming together for Thanksgiving.

Bend it Like Beckham
Gurinder started with some anecdotes about the movie- how she had to find an Indian girl who can play football and act; that this movie launched Kiera Knightley's career. The movie became very successful grossing high returns worldwide. To Gurinder, this movie was a piece of social history; the presence of Asian culture in Britain. Now Bend it Like Beckham has been made into a musical & currently the case is preparing for their show in North America (wow!!!).

Bride and Prejudice
Derived from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, this was a marriage of British film-making and Bollywood- essentially a love story starring Aishwarya Rai and Martin Henderson. Gurinder mentioned at the end that "there's nothing political about this movie except Jane Austen."

Mistress of Spices 
A sensual movie about spice and its effects

Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging 
Departed from the Asian roots/ community/ actors and discussed teenage issues

It's a Wonderful AfterLife
The idea of a horror comedy came to her when she was pregnant; a lady who has a chubby daughter wanted to marry her off and whoever ridiculed her daughter was killed. The souls will be in limbo until such time that the killer dies. Hence before the mother agrees to die, the ghosts are recruited to find a match for her daughter. Anecdote: this particular movie was especially well-received in Malaysia, for which she thanked us.

Viceroy's House
Viceroy's House recounts the last few months before the India-Pakistan Partition and the role Lord Mountbatten had in the event. This was a movie that Gurinder wanted made, to revisit her roots. She had recalled how welcoming the people had been when she visited her grandfather's house (in now Pakistan) despite expecting a quiet visit. "Let us help you find your grandfather's home". "Welcome Home, you are our Daughter". (I shed a quiet tear right about now). 

Q&A Session (I can't remember the exact questions, so I have kinda paraphrased them)

1- How to become a director/ writer?
Read some books about writing (e.g. Robert McKee) & watch lots and lots of movies. Watching movies is like a course for to-be-directors.

2- What is the process of planning a movie/ working with the scriptwriters?
Gurinder does a flow diagram (a map of scenes & characters), then this will be passed on to the scripwriters to develop the dialogues/ storyline.

3- Do you wish that certain movies (of yours) have a different ending?
"I wished Partition never happened", but no, all movies ended in the way she (they) intended. That's why no sequel was planned or made for Bend it Like Beckham. When making a movie, the scenes grab you and take control- you have no choice but to move along with them. For directors, generally they must know or at least have a general idea where the film is headed/ the direction/ the ending.

4- How would you like to be remembered?
As a person who brings a message that we are more similar than different.

5- What makes you move forward when there are a lot of odds and objections against you?
Gurinder mentioned that at a particular time she was reading the Sikh scriptures and some poems that gave her inner peace. At times she will express her anger, like when the British Film Institute refused to give her funding for "Bend it Like Beckham". Overall she mentioned that you must have a strong reason to be doing something, otherwise you will give up at early signs of trouble/ objection.

6- How did you find the balance between the cultures?
By accepting who I am, that I am a part of both worlds.. and it is an advantage.

My personal summary: I was glad I attended the session. Her achievements are numerous and startastic (my own word), yet she remains a humble soul- witty, friendly, relatable. As if telling all of us that we all could be like her and still be personable (and nice). Someone whom I would strive to be like. (As usual, now I struggle with a finishing quote.. haha)

I would probably quote Gurinder's own concluding words, a direct excerpt from her article appearing in The Guardian Online on 16 April 2016 (https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/apr/16/gurinder-chadha-on-viceroys-house-why-i-had-to-make-a-film-about-partition)

After five years of research and development, I will complete the film at the end of this year. I will have written my history, the history of my family, intertwined with that of Prince William’s great-great uncle and the end of the Raj. As a British-Indian woman, I doubt Churchill had me in mind when he said: “History is written by the victors.”

Farewell to a Friend

Credit goes to KakJa (Nuraiza Zaharin), for penning this beautiful post today. It was shared in our school alumni WhatsApp group & touched many hearts.

Heartfelt. Thoughful. Poignant. Raw, Real & Honest.

Material that only the closest of friends would be able to produce.

Thank you KakJa for allowing me to share it here, in my tiny little nook.

"11:19 AM, 4/11/2017] Salaam                        

[11:20 AM, 4/11/2017] I wrote a short piece yesterday morning about our friend Arwah Wan Rahmah. I would like to share it with you all here.                        

[11:21 AM, 4/11/2017] Arwah was diagnosed with colon cancer in Sept 2014, and started going for chemo in HUKM since then . Masa tu my Arwah Dad pun baru admitted in HUKM . She would come down to my Dad's Ward for a chitchat during her chemo trips, proudly showing the chemo bag that hanged out from the side of her abdomen . She would talk n talk , telling me about her chemo , her work , her this n that . Always portraying that bubbly side of her .

Time went by , she continued on with her chemo n completed all treatments . And she had to undergo a few major surgeries in between . Despite her weakening condition early this year, she decided to go for umrah with her family . Tiney told me how Wara insisted on it as she said it would likely be her last visit to Mekah . She was sick n badly coughing thro out her umrah but Alhamdulillah pulled thro somehow . 

She kept her distance from friends during her weak days n always portray strength n optimism whenever people asked her about her condition . 

Ever hardworking and committed to her work , Arwah is a person admired by many including all her top bosses. During her bosses' visit to see her last Wednesday, they proudly told us "she motivates all of us at work". Amazing . 

Alhamdulillah i managed to visit her every day ever since she got re-admitted into the Oncology Ward last week , together with Tiney her dear friend who was always there for her through all these months . This time, the doctors had to do another procedure to clear the liquid that has re-filled her lung . 

Eventually as her liver became more severely damaged, her skin and the whites in her eyes started turning yellow, and her legs, ankles, feet n abdomen began to swell . It was heartbreaking to see her suffer, knowing you couldn't do much but just be there next to her and say soothing words to calm her . At that point of time, there wasn't much else that the doctors could do except to give her a continuous dose of morphine 1ml/hour to somewhat lessen her pain. 

During those last few days , i got the opportunity to meet her family , her wonderful parents and siblings , her uncles , aunties , cousins and all . When they came , she would cry with them , seek forgiveness from each one , and hugged them . She would , with much difficulty , gather up all her strength to set her pain aside so she could say out all that she wanted to say to them with tears rolling down her cheeks .  She left such a powerful impact to every one who came to see her .

Allah grants us with wonders in mysterious ways . Never thought i would get the chance but He decided to give me the opportunity to be with Wara during the last few days of her life . I was blessed indeed . The precious critical week that her family had with her , they graciously allowed us friends to share .

That little window of time that Allah granted me had provided me with some special moments with her, whose friendship i have shared with for the last 36 years . She was my classmate throughout our 5 years together in MRSM KB . She was bubbly, chatty, strong, expressive, loving, caring, daring, smart, sensitive, warm, witty, all in one . A mixture of such a lively person . 

Wara passed away peacefully on early Sunday morning (yesterday) , with her beautiful daughter Batrisyia and husband Firdaus by her side. We were all shaken by the news . The doctors had informed the family that she didn't have much time left , but then again, who is ever prepared to say a final goodbye to a loved one ? 

MasyaAllah, so many people came to attend her funeral yesterday morning , to give their last respect to this lovely lady . Her family, her friends, her office colleagues . I watched as silence filled the air . You could feel the overwhelming sadness that surrounded the whole Masjid as the family prepared her for her final rest . 

I witnessed moments so poignant and unforgettable . I watched her mom n dad with a jolted pain in my heart . I can only imagine just how painful it is for them to see their child lay there motionless before them . I watched Firdaus busy attending to this&that, his face worried and concerned . Yet every now and then he would pause and turn to a corner and wipe the tears off his cheeks . It was evident how painful the whole thing was for him . 

I watched Batrishia sat quietly next to her mommy's lifeless body. Tears silently rolled down her cheeks . Verily , looking at her was almost like seeing Wara alive , as this girl is such a replica of her mommy . The way she look , the way she move . And then there was Naim , her son whom i got to know during the days at the hospital . He hid his sadness with his smile throughout the whole morning . You could tell how very dear his mommy is to him . I didn't get to meet her other 4 children at the hospital as they were away . Alas , having spent the last few days with these two kids and seeing how they looked after their mommy , it gave me a glimpse of how wonderful all her kids are . How blessed and proud they are to have her as their mother, indeed . 

The funeral went smoothly, syukur Alhamdulillah . She was finally laid to rest just after Zohor . Her kubur is up on a hill , surrounded by beautiful tall trees that shade the whole area from direct heat of the sun . 

Back in 1986, ie 31 years ago, Wara gave me a gift . A white cotton shirt . She proudly showed off her architectural skills via that shirt . Using red n green drawing pens , she sketched on it her favorite KL buildings which we visited during our paint-kl-red trips after SPM . Last Thursday while chatting with her, I reminded her about it "You know i still have that shirt you gave me, kan?" . She immediately responded "No no Ja! Don't you wear that here! Malu i nanti!". We both laughed. In silent i was determined to wear it to the hospital one of these days. 

Ahhh , it is not meant to be. One of these days never came. She will never get to see me wear it anymore. She would have been so damn proud to see me wear it, for sure. 

As i stare at this keyboard in this wee hour on this early Monday morning recalling moments that i have had with her, i am proud to say that my friend Wara has been, and will remain, one of the sweetest and liveliest persons i have ever known . My most unforgettable moment with her last week would have to be when i sang the Carpenter song to her ear , and she happily sang along with me . Amazingly , she still remember the lyrics completely . "Sing , sing a song . Sing out loud , sing out strong . Sing of good things , not bad . Sing of happy , not sad ...." 🎼

May you rest in peace , my dear Wara . May Allah forgive you and grant you His Jannah , where you would walk amidst His beautiful gardens , singing your heart away , free from pain and impediment . Until we meet again . 

🌷🌷🌷


--------------------------
Our Cikgu Fatanah wrote this about Wara in her FB ystdy : 

--> Hari ini menerima berita sedih lagi selepas 2 minggu perginya arwah bekas anak murid Mrsm Pg Chepa  Dr Naza Nawi. Hari ini seorang lagi bekas anak murid Mrsm Pg Chepa, Allahyarhamah Wan Rahmah Mohd Zaki pergi menemui Yang Mencipta. Rasa terkilan juga tak sempat menemui arwah sebelum arwah pergi. Sewaktu di Mrsm arwah seorang Patrol Leader pasokan pandu puteri dan merupakan Queen Guide yang pertama di negeri Kelantan. Selain dari bermain hoki, arwah dan rakan-rakan aktif dlm kerja sukarela, mengutip derma dan  menolong yang kurang bernasib baik.
Kali terakhir cikgu menemui arwah adalah sewaktu PICC baru selesai dibina. Arwah memberi kepada saya majalah Ayu keluaran.....?. Dalam majalah tersebut terdapat foto arwah bergambar dg Tun Dr Mahathir melawat PICC yg sedang dibina. Arwah merupakan Arkitek PICC yg tersergam indah .... Semoga roh arwah ditempatkan bersama orang-orang yang beriman. Aamiin Aamiin Aamiin YRA."

"Mencandat Sotong" (Squid Fishing)

The name of this activity sounds completely harmless, cute even, something that probably SpongeBob and Patrick would do on their day off.

The reality however is more macabre.

In principle it sounded fairly easy- get on the boat at 6pm, ride to the middle of the sea, lower the anchor, get the fishing rod ready, fish away, get lots of squid.. and return to the chalet at 10pm.

I had expected some rolling of the boat once we stopped.. but not the headache.. or the stomach pain.. or the vomitting.. or the continued spinning once we reached ashore. The boat rolled and pitched, more so after sunset. We were at sea for a mere 3 hours yet I had felt that we had been there for the longest time. I just wanted the rocking to stop & get on firm ground.

Yet S had told me that he once went on a smaller boat (OVERNIGHT) and the sea was much choppier then #GASP #HORROR-OF-HORRORS. He had asked me to 'rock along' with the boat as it sways, but somehow it seemed impossible. I was moving in many different directions at one time and lost control of my body altogether.

On a happier note however, I caught one squid and was terribly happy about it too.

Another interesting fact about squids is that they are actually transparent & change to white with purple spots once they are on land. When swimming at sea, they light up & give off a white sheen which I consider really adorable. Catching them however requires skill & perhaps a bit of luck too. You have got to feel the tug on the line and reel them in before they escape.

Overall conclusion: a once-in-a-lifetime experience (that I may not likely repeat).