Romanticising

"What could have been" would have been really romantic to be reminisced upon, because it did not materialise. In our minds, the whole "perfect" life we would enjoy with "the one" (soulmate/ my one and only/ my boo) unfolds- rosy, wholesome, saccharine sweet. No responsibilities. No pain. No disappointment.. AND we get to choose the storyline and the ending.. AND decide to never wake up from the dream.

The hard part is to commit.
To live with one person for the rest of your life.
To accept the person, for better or for worse.
To wake up every day to a reality that could be a dream one day, or a nightmare another day.
To embrace the good days, the not-so-good-days, and some downright awful days.
To reach rock bottom and sink some more.. and try to reach out at something.. anything, so that you can come up for air even for a brief millisecond before your are dragged down once again.
To wallow in the deepest part of your despair.
To (keep) hoping that love WILL see you through to the very end.
To be let down countless times.
Lo and behold, s/he turns out to be as sloppy, as unreliable, as disenchanted as you.
What then?

You make the best of things.
You see the good.
You seek the courage to keep on going and not give up.

This is life. Life is hard.

Beats romanticising though, because in life you had made a decision. Fiery as hell as it may be, you dug your heels and held on. Even if it is for one more day.

It may work out fabulously, or you may fall flat on your face.. but I say it is worth it.

For the companionship and conversations, for the support and growth, for the love and belonging, for the hugs and kisses, for the courage and commitment- no matter how brief/ fleeting it may end up to be.

Perspective

At this age (40s) it is probably true that we will drop the unimportant things and treasure the people who do matter. My children and my mom are priority, everything else takes second place and I will no longer apologise for it.

Well at work yesterday this young chap gave me a chilling e-mail. Maybe it is just my imagination but it sounded very formal and that he will inform the HOD (whatever the hell for?). [Backstory: he is related to our HOD in some way or the other, he is said to be under-qualified for a teaching post and she adores him for every little insignificant thing that he does]

Context: I submitted a report yesterday, apparently late, but (perhaps I was lucky) the system recorded the due date as today. I replied right away that the official due date is today & immediately the reply that came was "ohh, it's all alright I have already completed my part of the report earlier". Then? What kind of game is this?

Now things somehow make sense. Where my workstation is located (in direct view of the HOD), whatever I do is commented upon & the comeback reply that I used to be an HOD myself (hence should cooperate and not go against the grain).

Are we running a communist country here? What is scary is that I am starting to see some connections between certain people and how certain remarks in certain groups appear as a set-up (like an agent provocateur) to easily screenshot & forward to anybody who is necessary.

What is happening? Well I will keep clear of these characters, maintain a clean nose (haha) and mind me own business. She best focuses her energy in making the Faculty great, instead of trying to bring people down like this.

Freebies

This entry is inspired by the incident in blogosphere: http://metro.co.uk/2018/01/22/hotel-sends-invoice-publicity-blogger-tried-bag-freebie-7250788/

Basically a hotel in Dublin was approached by a 'social influencer' who sought a free stay in exchange of good publicity with her followers. The hotel owner re-published her email (blotting out her name) and replied (in short) no thanks.

Lo and behold this social influencer did a video in response, that she was shamed and bullied and embarassed because of the treatment (when she was not even identified in the first place).

Well I kinda liked the attitude of the hotel owner & his tongue-in-cheek response. All in jest I'm sure yet the social influencer called herself out (who's fault is that now?). I doubt that she will do another video in response (it will not be necessary & may even be more damaging than helpful).

On one hand, I understand the effort (and perhaps the courage) it takes to put yourself out there and talk about any particular thing that will amass followers and make you lots of money. However, with entertainment, sometimes you make it sometimes you don't. Sometimes you DO make it and then something happens that make people unfollow you and there goes your popularity... AND to really3 make it I'm sure it takes a lot of effort and money and tears and disappointments too.

These videos may give you a picture of some of the challenges:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6Oo9Hel6MI (Anna Akana's "How I Make Videos")
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSdMGxQGBMA (Superwoman "Dating a YouTuber Be Like")
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYbLrteNzOo (How to Be a YouTube Star ft. The Rock)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWt-rXTtDz8 (Honest Version of Logan Paul's Apology)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEBGETEMfqM (10 YouTubers Who Killed Their Career in Seconds)- however to qualify, this video also includes instances where the blogger/vlogger/youtuber ends the show in earnest & retract from the limelight OR a re-branding exercise, not due to controversy

Looks like it is REAL work, but probably what the kids enjoy AND hopefully the posts and videos may help to make the world a better place. Peace Out ;-)

Conditioning

My cats appear to eat directly from the food bowl & only from it.

One particular day, the bowl was wet so the kibbles were spread on the floor instead & the food was hardly touched. 

Why do they behave that way?

It could be a form of conditioning, that food is served in the food bowl

OR

Are cats aware of hygiene & they do not want to eat from the floor?

OR

A more existential question: Is it demeaning for the cats to eat off the floor? (Why are you treating me this way?)

Maturity

now i have grown (much older than i was before, but at the pegged age of 28- age 25 was a little bit of a stretch)

so this is what it feels like

to have a balanced mind, to be able to be objective, to forgive myself and others

to place importance on important things

to enjoy love and joy found in people who really matter

to speak my mind and truly mean it (and be able to say it the way it goes in my head- this takes skill, it does!)

to see things (especially material things) the way the are

to have wisdom after various cycles of hurt: what valuable learning experiences they have been

to embrace all of life's experiences and thank the Almighty for the things that happened the way they did

to value people who are REAL and drop those who are not (and it is completely absolutely and unequivocally ok)

to love your true self for who she is (warts and all)

to accept all the imperfect, crazy elements of myself (in and out)

to be (ME!)

Mum's Logic

My mum has her own brand of logic/ advice that she claims will get us through life successfully. Based on her child-rearing track record (a typical Asian/ tiger mum to the n-th degree which I could never hope to replicate), we siblings are probably reasonably successful by usual standards (I think).

Here I share what I can remember:

1- Always wear good underwear because if you meet with an accident & gets admitted to hospital where an emergency procedure has to be carried out, at least you will not be embarrassed by terrible looking underwear.

2- The best type of spice is the one that you mill/ process yourself.. or you can buy such spices at any shop that does freshly milled spices.. nothing like it.

3- Never go for a man who you love more than he loves you. Go instead for a man who loves you like crazy and learn to love him (clearly I don't listen).

4- When frying fish, put a slice or two of asam keping/ asam gelugur so that the fish doesn't stick to the wok.

5- When frying chicken, fry them with a few stalks of lemongrass for aroma.

6- Do not talk about mice/ rat loudly or in a hateful way because apparently they can hear and understand us and may come when we are unaware and wreak havoc in the house. So, just whisper (nowadays I suppose we can whatsapp) and put lots of pandan (screwpine) leaves everywhere around the house to steer them away.

7- Never tell anybody about your dreams (unless they're really close family & love you to pieces) because if they interpret your dreams badly, your luck will go south.

8- If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is (this one you may say is so cliche BUT I have heard it from her first before reading it elsewhere).

9- Those with hands/ fingers of a certain shape is likely to be really successful in life. [Basically she reads people well too- I think she may have studied some mystic skills before, because she reads faces and body parts in a way that normal people don't]

10- Always pay attention to people's words and verbal cues- they may appear nice and sweet and wholesome but their choice of words and their body language in your presence will reflect what they really feel about you.

11- Be a useful person always. Never be that person who other people curse for causing difficulty to others for example those who block other people's porch/ entrance; or those who throw rubbish everywhere indiscriminately and makes it someone else's problems; or those who leave shopping trolleys behind other peoples' parked cars.

12- Never live with your in-laws (especially not mother(s)-in-law) or live with your children (after they have gotten married). This one is non-negotiable. Never do it, because it reveals too much information that you would have liked to know otherwise.

13- ALWAYS be nice to everybody regardless of their position or wealth or title, because you never know when the wheel will turn or when we may need that person's help (which you're not likely going to get if you had treated him/ her badly).

14- Remember always that everything that (I/ we) have now is borrowed & not ours to own and especially not to boast about. These are material, worldly things that will all be left behind as we go six feet under. So do good ALL the time, not only when certain people are watching.

15- Who judges you is God and not humans. Fret not and listen not to haters (hipster vocab), people who criticise or bring you down. Keep doing what you needed to do and ignore the noise. In the same vein, from her I have learnt to ignore criticism/ non-constructive 'advice' and treat it as pure insignificant noise.

It Is What It Is

Now we are growing a bit more distant. Or so I feel. Maybe not distant, but less romantically involved & more platonic.

People who know us tend to speak in jest, about when the wedding will take place (what wedding?) yet I am kinda forced to play along. Since he has not decided and he plays along ever so willingly. When will be be together in matrimony- that is an oft-repeated question (Will we ever?)

His ex came to our event today (or rather, one of his known exes- the rest are faceless & nameless). The way she looked at me: it felt like there was still unfinished business between her & S. Yesterday she joined the group dinner- I came late. Lo and behold he had sat next to her and from his behaviour he seemed nervous perhaps. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

When our friend took individual photos- ours was the only photo taken together, she got up and left for quite a while. Another friend said she got up to answer a call, but I did not hear the phone ring or blink or vibrate. Perhaps I read too much into things. Perhaps I overthink. Perhaps it was really nothing. Let's not dwell, considering there's not really much between us anymore anyways.

They would make a sweet couple probably, but for the small issue of her being married to another man. Well say if they really belong together the day may come when she gets divorced or her husband passes away & they'll be free to reconnect. Why not.

The power of letting go is that this event would have hurt me otherwise. As a bystander I am just watching it unfold without judging or allowing the situation to hurt me.

Decorum

Logan Paul made a video of the Aokigahara forest (also known as 'suicide forest') in Japan, found a (dead) person who committed suicide by hanging, kept on filming while making some remarks & then posted the video on YouTube, where he had more that 15 million followers. That particular video was watched by 6 million viewers before it finally suffered a backlash and was eventually taken down by Paul.

The news about this have cropped up multiple times in blogger related searches yet I had not paid much attention to it until Logan published his second apology. Then I started to read more about what actually happened. Just search "Logan Paul what happened" & a few suggested sites will appear to provide the chronological details, such as this one: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2018/01/a-social-media-stars-error/549479/.

I also wondered who he was, as I have never heard of him otherwise. Incidentally, there was a remark in one of the news sites that Paul may not be known by the older generation since his subscribers are teens/ young adults- no matter- I was not his target group.. haha.

Rightly or wrongly, the video had been published (intended to raise awareness about suicide, he says) and was 'liked' by his fans on his channel ('like' being the thumbs-up icon thingie) before public pressure made Logan pull down the video.

As with YouTube stars, they have access to an unfiltered uncensored unlimited media.. and had made use of it (i.e. the channel) to make HUGE amounts of money (Logan recently purchased a $4.8 million mansion from his earnings). With that level of influence, comes responsibility. To portray humanity in the best way possible (at the very least), no matter what jokes you crack. Balance that with the folly of youth (he is only 22)- would you, had you been 22 and influential with 15 million followers, not have or have done the same? I can't say, for I was not in that situation.

I was also reminded of a TED Talk given by Monica Lewinsky about mistakes made in youth and how to survive shame. Perhaps Paul could learn a thing or two from her. I hope he recovers. I hope his apology is real and sincere and heartfelt, because so many people are affected by suicide. It is not easy to get over with. One of my mom's friends- her son killed himself from a broken heart- and she never quite forgave herself for the longest time. I also saw a video by Anna Akana titled "Please don't kill yourself" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvkbHIrrrvU] and that feeling (felt by the people left behind) would have been the feeling my mom's friend would have felt.

So, what is real and what has entertainment value? They do intersect and some topics have to be treated with caution and respect, because it is real and raw to some people.

Me, the Cook?

This year one of my resolutions is to cook more at home. In a 7-day week, we should have more home-cooked meals than eat out. It has only been 12 days but I am very happy to report that for week 1, I cooked for (the bare minimum of) 4 days & for week 2, 6 days. Feeling quite pleased with this resolution & will push myself further as we progress into 2018.

One of the tricks that I learnt (and observed): how to get the children to eat tomatoes & onions/ shallots/ garlic? Just put them in a blender & mix it to the gravy. Mix it well and the children will not know any better. More importantly, they will not spend too much time sorting/ isolating the non-favourite foods from their plate before eating. Yesterday for one, we had sweet sour fish & the gravy was quite a hit (thanks to the ever-present & wonderful food processor!).

Secondly, where do we find the recipe? The internet! Google it up and voila. One way to do it for someone who doesn't really fancy cooking and doesn't really cook unless she really3 have to, is to type "Simple sweet and sour fish recipe" in the search key. That ONE word actually made a whole world of difference for someone like me.

Bare Essentials

The office we're currently occupying was recently completed. Phase 1 was ready for occupation around March last year, and as we speak construction is ongoing.

At the parking lot the other day, the contractors dismantled the workers' living quarters (because we want to fully utilise the parking lots, I believe). After the dismantling the living conditions were laid bare for all eyes to see. Very basic to say the least. Used carpets, or rather bits and pieces of the carpets we used for our office. No mattress. Where will they end up sleeping in? Most likely the external dorms fashioned from container units.

It is a common sight- migrant workers brought to Malaysia to work on construction sites or plantations or our restaurants. These are thankless lowly paid jobs that locals may not be interested in but sought after by foreign workers, purely due to the exchange rate perhaps (which is another story because the currency is not as strong now as it once was).

Personally, I think that they contribute immensely to the country- building our schools, MRT lines, roads and various structures to benefit Malaysian citizens in general. These jobs are very labour intensive and life-threatening in some cases. Economically however, I sometimes wish that Malaysians do these jobs & companies should pay better to these groups- for the money to remain in Malaysia as much as possible. The migrant workers arguably do spend in Malaysia, however the bulk of their income would have been sent overseas to their respective countries to build houses or buy cows or to pay for their children's education. Nothing wrong with that, they have earned their keep and in some cases they would not have been treated too great but they endured.

The points that I wanted to make with this entry are two-fold:
1- We should treat our migrant workers better, if we decide to employ them
2- For the sake of the economy we should pay locals better to do labour-intensive or skills-based jobs

(and stop cutting funds from universities too, because education is our long-term investment towards TN50 and developed nation status but this is another story for another day).

Dimensions

Relationships, especially marriage, is not an easy path to take.

However, it may be a worthwhile path to travel on (in my view at least) for the journey (if not for anything else). A person is lucky to have found the right partner firsthand but Alain de Botton said in his talk that we marry the wrong person anyways so there. 'Wrong' person in the context that he/ she will NOT be what we had expected him/ her to be, because the relationship when stretched in the long term would uncover multiple flaws & imperfections of both parties.

Besides, I would think that due to the complexity of human personality and the depth of a person will only be revealed in the long run. Not immediately. Yes one would be able to read/ gauge basic characteristics of a person via snap judgement or instinct or observation, but the REAL person comes through after a long-drawn connection/ relationship. Even then what one considers real may change as new experiences are learnt or new connections are made (rightly and wrongly) or when tracks are hidden (perhaps in cases of infidelity).

So, who is the person I fell in love with? Be it Mr Ex, N or S they each have their own personalities and things that make them tick. As the relationship progress, I got to know more about them and them, about me. In hindsight, it is all good- all learning experiences & one that I take away with wisdom. There are certain doors that I have closed and never re-open or re-visit for concrete reasons. Not the typical reason that some would consider but good valid reasons to me who have lived through the respective experiences.

Love is learning, love is not the end but rather the beginning.. and human beings as complex individuals will continue to love, to be hopeful, to explore and grow from this experience.

Relationship

Lately I have been listening to the videos presented by Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who specialises on relationships and particularly infidelity. She presents a fair view on the reasons why people cheat, even when they are in a 'happy' relationship. Ms Perel gives a lucid, clinical, factual insight into the dimensions of couples' relationships and some of the reasons for a breakdown thereof.

The lessons are numerous & according to her, she is still discovering new things as she goes along after 30 plus years in practice.

My brief summary of pointers, based on the little understanding I had from the small number of videos watched, are:

1- Affairs may occur in happy relationships when desire seeks a place outside marriage, hence the couple is encouraged to do new things that will enable them to see the other 'radiate'.. and basically fall in love with each other all over again & create the excitement of being in each other's company

2- You probably can control a person (in the pretext of 'keeping' him/ her), but the decision (to stay or to stray) is the person's choice- what I liked is the fact that Ms Perel did not put blame on any particular person (the cheater/ the cheated) but rather focuses on the method to reconcile (if the couple so choose to do).. or to recognise the 'issues' as they happen.. or to accept that the relationship is beyond repair (and move on)

3- Couples' conflict may arise in one of two situations: total avoidance whereby they stopped talking/ communicating & eventually grew apart, or persistent bickering where they are at each others throats all the time & eventually finds no common ground apart from their desire to end the relationship; therefore to manage a relationship there has to be a mix of both i.e. giving space & healthy arguments/ conflict

4- Whether to go on or end a relationship, there is no 'right thing' (or wrong thing) to do so the person must decide based on his/ her own wisdom: based on the impact of the break-up, how you feel about each other, and perhaps also how you feel about yourself in that relationship. Ms Perel had observed that marriage in particular is a whole network of relationships (e.g. in-laws & extended family, children, mutual friends) and commitments (contracts, common property/ business) so it is complex to break up/ break down hence she understands why some people choose to stay despite the challenges

5- The illusion of 'The ONE': this very day every one of us is crippled by the numerous choices available out there, so her general take is not to seek out the one (i.e. one person) who is expected to fulfill our every need (which is a tall order) but rather find the one with whom we can be understood & enables us to access the other needs from other aspects of our lives

6- Relationships have evolved as the dynamics of male-female connection changed over the years- in the past couples get together and stay together out of a sense of duty (some marriages were arranged), with clearly delineated 'duties' for the man & woman of the house. In contrast today both male and female carry similar roles: earning their keep, having independence & growth in their respective careers hence the duties are not so clear cut (perhaps?). Apart from that, the societal role of marriage has shifted to a more 'individualistic' expectation. In the past people marry, procreate & multiply so the kids could work the farm and contribute to the community whereas now the concept is related more to being self-actualised & fulfilling self-satisfaction/ needs (and not necessarily to have children to work the farm anymore)

7- What do I bring home? After working and being dynamic/ attractive/ charming, what leftovers do I bring home to my significant other? Am I still as charming? As attractive? As lovely? Because most people stopped being that person as they entered the home, where they consider a safe place to be their sloppy comfortable self. This point kinda ties in with the first point, whereby one should always keep trying and being your best self (perhaps most of, if not all the time)


By the way, these pointers are in no particular order- they're typed as they come to mind :)

How will I apply these to myself? Will use these in my next relationship, I suppose. Great insights and helped me understand what happened in my relationship with Mr Ex, makes me appreciate S  even though we are no longer in a relationship, and perhaps to some extent prepares me for the next relationship (when it happens).

At this particular moment, my heart will keep going on. Which kind of brings to mind the excerpt that I saw/heard from Matt Hussey's video: he says that the heart is a place where you allow a person to reside (either temporarily or permanently), not something to be given away to someone.

So the gameplan for the time being is to keep things open, guard my heart and take care of myself.

Downtime | Defeated

One of those moments just happened. Someone parked right in front of my gate so I had to park a little bit further and walk back to the house.

One of my neighbours just got back from their holiday & are receiving guests at the house- one particular visitor took the liberty to block my entrance to the porch.

Very upsetting, although in the bigger scheme of things this is a really minor issue compared to global warming or nuclear warheads or whether Jerusalem is the capital of Israel or Palestine. So I decided not to do anything about it, although initially I had wanted to honk repeatedly until the person moves the car.. or go inside the house all puffed and irritated to ask the person to move the car chop chop.. but in the end I did nothing.. well I kinda banged the gate a little when I closed it- nobody heard because they were too busy in chatter and laughter to bother. OH WELL, MOVE ON.

What will I do about it? I will teach my own children about manners. About being sensitive and respectful to other people's space and needs. About being part of the solution, not part of the problem. About how certain other people can make mistakes or the wrong judgement or irritate others (but feel completely aloof and blameless about it all) AND we should not be that sort of person to inflict pain or trouble on others (as much as we possibly could).

How do you become the nice person when people are un-nice to you?

Another friend just shared that she received personal texts from her current husband's ex-wife, containing accusatory statements all negative and angry... and her choice (smart woman that she is) was to not respond to something (or rather, someone) beneath her.

Well I hope I will feel better soon, because I hate feeling like this. I love people and I do try to see the good in everybody. I do want to understand their happiness or haste or their reasons for doing something. However, basic common sense (that most people do not have) dictates that you do not park at entrances to people's houses or block the passage of others just because it is convenient for you (and to hell with others). It is bad behaviour and not a good lesson to pass on to our children.