Who we are (vs) who we were
On 28 May 2024 we'll be appearing before the Syariah Lower Court Judge to present our claim for divorce. There is no property to divide, no children to claim custody of, no shared accounts. A clean break. 5 years passed by so fast.
Looking at the big picture, it was a reasonable marriage. We were not perfect (newsflash: nobody is) but we had our moments of fun. He is a kind person, he had his own things (so did 1), we trusted each other, he is very easygoing compared to my type A personality. He was fully supportive with my decision to do PhD, no ego or envy, and I was free to do the research without feeling that I was neglecting a husband.
On a darker (and sadder) note, he has always had his exes on speed dial, and maintained at least 3 emotional affairs throughout our marriage. On the basis that he had known these girls longer than he did me. Che Na he had known since 1993 (or earlier); Aiza since around 2000; Azhani since 2014. We started dating in 2015 and married in 2019. Throughout our marriage, and probably to this day, he still contacts them.. and more. I don't know & I don't want to check his primary phone either, because by now he would have cleaned his tracks.
My rationale is this: I do want to bear any more pain of wondering: did he love me? why did he feel he had to contact all those girls? what does he see in them that I cannot provide for him? does he think of them when he's with me? where am I in his heart? why didn't he come clean from the very beginning, when I broke down & asked about them multiple times before? From personal experience, a person who can cheat and lie with a straight face can do it again and again. He had no guilt or qualms then, he will not ever have it. This will definitely continue, no doubt, no matter how sorry he says he is now.
I am more comfortable being a friend to him now, rather than a wife. I had too much vested interest as a wife. All the feelings and hunches I had felt about the 3 idiots were right. Behind my back they were gallivanting, with no concern or regard to my existence. On this basis alone, it is best to preserve my self-worth & carry on without his presence in my life. On a personal level, I wish him the very best. May he find THE woman of his dreams.
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