Friday, January 31, 2025

She is Beautiful

She is beautiful
Not gorgeous like the supermodels
Or delicate like the princesses of old
She is beautiful in her own way

She is familiar but not imposing
She is sweet but not overbearing
She is cheeky but not the least bit naughty
She has a heart of gold, at least she would like to think so

Life has taken her over leaps and bounds
She is still standing, determined and stoic
She has plans and she will keep making them
Until the day God deemed "Your time is up"

Once upon a time she had wished for a prince charming
But ended up with different varieties of frogs
She will no longer wonder, or search for him
For the love she seeks is within herself

Life will go on
Life is full of promise
It is also full of beauty
For the taking

She will immerse herself in life
in love
in beauty
in gratitude
in humility
until the end of her days

Thursday, January 23, 2025

My Next Therapy Session

It has been marked in the calendar as 20 Feb 2025. Apt date actually. It would be a day after what would have been our 6th anniversary. Also known as Syeh & Aiza's Love Forever Day. It was never mine to claim. Neither was he. Sad but absolutely true. It had to be drummed in my head many times, for me to understand the depth of his love for her. FACT.

No matter how they justify that they were not suitable for each other, or that she had waited too long for him, or WHATEVER, they had loved each other and may still be in love to this day. No amount of denial or coaxing or justification would explain that relationship. I hope they find each other again, as they had prayed for endlessly. On my wedding night.

This is what I will discuss in therapy. How do people claim that they love you and do something like this. It is completely wild and unexplainable. EXCEPT if he had loved her. That is the only explanation which fits the situation. No matter how much they denied it, they had loved each other and may still do. I was just the side quest, unfortunately so. THIS would explain the lack of announcement or admission that we have been wed, and the general allergy towards the words/ terms "marriage" and "wife" THROUGHOUT the marriage. I literally stay away from such conversations because he was always uncomfortable with it, he mingles freely without attempting to introduce me to his friends, and he doesn't want to be close to me in group photos, lest people suggest that we're attached.. or married. That could be the WORST thing ever to him!

My therapy session is for this. Why had it happened that way? Why did he do what he did? Why did he apologise and ask me to forget about it like it was nothing? Do I not have a claim to the story as much as he does? How do I forgive and move on? Can I just dismiss it as: "they deserve each other"? I really do not have to think about it anymore actually. Dear therapist, please help me!

In the meantime, I will help myself. What has been done, is done. Love yourself & treasure your worth my dear girl, because you are PRECIOUS!!!

To Infinity... and BEYOND!

Thanks Bizz Lightyear, and the Pixar folks who thought up of this quote.

It is hopeful, non-specific (so that we can fill in our own goals), and very promising of great things to come. Buzz said it with such determination too!

What's next with me? The sky, or infinity is the limit. I can literally do what I want, when I want it, with whomever I want. I do not mean that in the naughty sense. because I am past that. At 50 I have done all the naughty things that I wanted (or society thought I needed) to do. 

Now I have become my own person. I will not be easy to love, by any man. Not that I wanted any man to love me anymore, after all that furore (times two). My expectations are too much, that I will not settle for any half-baked love or marriage proposal. I have with me my children, and my family, and my siblings to love and care for. I plan to love a long life and hopefully with enough money to carry me through. The person I have decided to marry is me.

When I did my A-Levels at 18, we did an English essay titled "A Fulfilled Woman (or Man)". I did not remember what I wrote (but I hope I have been consistent), and this moment (as hapless as it is) is what I consider close to being fulfilled. I have my health, my children, a house to my name (well, almost), a career with sufficient salary, (soon) a doctorate, my (reasonably) stable mental faculty, and some money to spend. I do not have a lot but I have enough. 

I am lucky and have been eternally blessed with a million good things. My unlucky bit is with men, which I have foregone for good. Struck off my list forever. Like what Suraini had done, according to Syeh, which I do not believe. My version of the story would be: she had been hurt by him, or insecure of his many female friends and admirers, that she wouldn't dare come close... and to avoid further questions she had said that she decided never to marry... and continue to wait for him until the moment when he has settled all his scores. Which is NOW, after I have done the cleaning up. This is the best and the right time and I pray that they find each other again.

Such is my state of mind. I am past men. I am past looking for meaning in love and marriage. It is something that I cannot understand or practice to satisfactory level to make want men to stay with me. There are things I am EXCELLENT at, like teaching, mentoring others, some say parenting, or managing people, or planning things, or writing, or some level of researching, or to some extent saving money... but being a wife is not one of it. Sadly enough, I was raised on Disney-level fluffy candy love which does not exist. Some people were lucky to have found their "one" on the first try, and I am super happy for them (and perhaps a tad envious). I will no longer seek that elusive "one", and conclude that he is probably in heaven waiting for me. He no longer walks this earth, and I will not seek him out no more. If ever I forget, this post will remind me.

What's next? Me, me and me... and MY children, MY career, MY goals, MY writing, MY everything. I do no expect any man to get with my programme, so please get out of the way!

Divorce Papers

I picked up the divorce papers from the lawyer yesterday. The issue date was 23 December 2024, and the lawyer had messaged me to pick it up from their office a week ago. I only mustered the courage yesterday. It was not even for me. A friend had a divorce question to ask & I figured that it's better to ask in person... AND at the same time pick up my papers.

How did I feel? Sad is the word. Beyond sad would be more accurate. 

How did I replace the feeling? By going for tea/ early dinner with my 2 munchkins. They chose what they wanted to eat at this kuih place, and everyone enjoyed the meal. Lovely.

When I returned home, I looked at the papers: once, twice, and went to bed. There are some feelings to be processed there, but I couldn't find the words.

Things didn't work out between us, and we have done our best. I kept going to the night before our nikah, when he messaged his 'love forever'. Our marriage wasn't enough for him to let her (or the lot) go. I was clearly not his first choice, but the convenient one who happened to be there, willing, ready and able. The rest had other constraints. He will realise one day that I was the best thing ever to have appeared in his life, and by that time it will be too damn late.