What If?

What if whatever that I had dreamed of is entirely and completely possible?

Working and living overseas, and perhaps settling eventually as a resident?

Am I capable of doing it? Why not MAKE myself capable, yes?

What is the thing that I fear most (if I were to move to a new country)?
The main concern is the finances of the children I leave behind.
I also want to provide for the children I bring with me.
Would rather not live in poverty awaiting for the next meal.
That is a scary prospect.

How do I use positive conditioning in this case?

What if I do very well? What if I thrive?
What if the children enjoy schooling there?
What if...???

No telling what could happen unless I really do it, no?

(So, what am I waiting for?)

Sorrow

Feeling sad this evening, but decided that it is just one of those moments. I could be missing someone, or just pondering on my future, or just thinking of my unfinished & never ending work.

Perhaps it is time to stop everything. Give up. Do nothing.

At work it seems endless that I keep delaying everything. All on me. Under the microscope. I hate the feeling. Can't seem to catch up.

Maybe I should resign and find something else to do. Nobody else to blame but me. I want to do a good job but every little thing seems like a major issue these days. Who am I to say when I keep delaying things?

What would I do without any work? My useless ex husband will not be of any help. He can't even help himself. I wish I could suck it in & swallow every bit of abuse. Start applying. Go. Forget about everything. I'm so thoroughly confused now. Why am I so inefficient?

Perfect Match

Khairani, my friend from the same office block, had told me one fine day: the person who will be our partner/ spouse is the person who irritates us the most.

I have heard a similar quote/ phrase/ advice someplace else before. 

You would also be able to gauge this state of mind from Pink's song titled "True Love".

It must be true love
No one else can break my heart like you

What do I think? In my view once I (we) get involved with someone, the feelings get magnified, including perhaps irritation. My current warning sign right now is to appreciate the person & never take him for granted (please). 

Note to self: 
He is a wonderful person who loves you. 
Please treat him well.

Still scared of moving forward & committing. What I know now is he makes me calm. I need calm in my life right now. Let's just leave it at that for now & set your other goals, will you please!

Unbroken

This post is dedicated to all single parents, who day in and day out carry the weight of a household, persevering and surviving to the best of their (our) abilities.

Do not despair as the children will eventually grow up; we would have raised strong children with the right values, they themselves having had to carry the weight a little bit around the house; and we would have developed our inner strength by coping & learning to be by ourselves.

There are the private victories that we win incrementally, and these little achievements keep us going as we inspire others around us.

Keep your head up high and be completely & blissfully ignorant of negative words. They won't break you anymore.

Productivity

Just finished doing the laundry, hung out the clothes, folded some clothes, made pancake batter for tomorrow morning.. and locked all the doors.. now I'm done and off to bed.

Goodnight world!

Hearts on Fire

Sometimes we are so desperate for love that we would settle for anyone, or would we?

Is it a mere coincidence that we meet and have inclination towards certain individuals or were our paths really meant to cross?

Now I feel that I'm stuck in cement with S. I can't move forward on his terms. 

Does he really love me? Or am I just an in-betweener until he finds someone better?

Let's not speculate, as it is a futile exercise.

I would be able to decide now if he is good for me.

What does my heart say? The truthful answer lies within.

Single & Fabulous (and Crying on the Inside)

Having decided to pull the brakes on a relationship made me realise that I have given myself the respect that I deserved. I could go on & play along/ frolick without a care in the world with a person I love (and reciprocates the love), but at what price?

If the relationship progresses into marriage and I marry a responsible person, the benefit would be that the children gets some structure/ semblance of a family unit & a father figure. Having said that however, I would argue that even a single parent household is a proper family unit regardless. So what am I missing again?

I do miss the companionship. Being with a husband there is emotional support. Someone to talk to about my day, someone to lean on, someone to kiss & hug! Well for now I would have to be happy with kisses and hugs for the children, not from a husband. Not even sure what my expectations of marriage is for now, to be frank.

After being burnt in the second degree, my heart still feels that it is probably better to wait it out for a bit. Enjoy my life in its present state. It is as complete as I can make it: enriched by my children, my mother and siblings and extended family, my quirky crazy friends, my work, my students... and everything in between. Can't complain really.

In the total sum of things, I am pleased that I gave myself the self-respect to let go. I know that I needed to love myself and not keep gallivanting on a useless pursuit. Well, maybe it is not entirely useless: because I met a wonderful person & I had felt loved & I have learnt a number of things, but what I am trying to say here is: there are more worthwhile pursuits, like:

- continuing my studies

- building my children's character

- doing up the house

- proper financial management & debt settlement

- taking care of my physique and health

- social work, perhaps?

- improving my relationship with my Maker

and so on- there are at least 5 more useful things to do, and I haven't even included new skills like sewing... or hobbies like travelling or writing.. SEE????

There is so much for me to look forward to. Here's to self-respect and worthwhile pursuits. I love living this life!

In his arms | Keeping a distance

It is terribly sad when the person you are involved with do not share the same degree of commitment. I have marriage in mind (perhaps it was too presumptuous of me) and he wanted a romantic relationship. So I have now decided to keep my distance. I don't do relationships that lead nowhere.

Sure I do enjoy his company. Perhaps I could even say with certainty that I love him, and he loves me (probably) yet there is no urgency or need to be married (on his part). In a liberal environment where there is no heaven or hell, I would probably agree to be his civil law wife (see, they use the term wife too!) but in this case I would have to slam on the brakes. Cohabitation is not my thing. No matter how open minded I am, I would still like to be legally married to someone (some day).

So- the road is really open wide for me now. I do not have to wait for anyone anymore. Well S didn't expect me to wait for him either, but that's what I have kind been doing. Hoping. Longing. Yearning for a sign or an indication, or something!

Morally I have to have a clear conscience. We are not headed to a common direction, so it is safe to part ways. I do not plan to find a replacement anytime soon, but I would have to adjust my plans a little bit to accommodate my new status. Single &  available. He would rather not have me date other people (he says), but now I need to be clear that I have not promised him my hand (nor has he asked!). I will be his friend. Occasionally I will attend our common events. We have many common friends. Both of us are professionals. We should be able to handle this reasonably comfortably. When there is no hate, I suppose the process of letting go & healing is experienced in shorter cycles.

S, I wish you the best and I do honestly hope that you find someone worthwhile to settle down with. Someone who fits your usual profile of female(s) you date, one with similar interests, has similar schedule (perhaps a singleton too) & one who can treat you well. I had wanted to write Goodbye, but the apt phrase is Till we meet again. Whatever right. We will meet again as friends, and be totally okay with it all.

Follow Your Dreams

Yesterday we had a mini reunion with our primary school friends. Those we knew during out 'hingusan' years, our younger days when we don't even know how to clean our own snots.

Anyway, a particular friend named M.. he quit his job in systems/ networking to become a lorry driver. Why? Because he had always wanted to do that. He quit his job, took a lorry driver's license and became what he had always wanted to be since he was a child.

Things worked out for him in a way. His pay covered the household expenses, and he can afford to have his wife quit her job. Now she stays home & looks after their 3 children.

He told his mother & family members about the job change one year later. Almost everybody flipped, despite the fact that he is now earning for the family and not expecting any family handouts. The good news is though, now his parents have fully digested and fathomed the reasons & he is now welcome at home for the holidays.

As for me, I haven't found that fire yet. Honestly my epiphany will probably be a mild tame one, as I am that sort of person. Just riding the small waves & letting things flow for a little while more. Love you my darlin'!

Renewed Faith in Teaching

Our Programme Advisor this time around is Ms Fatimah Moran & she is like no other. She conducted 2 sessions for the academic staff on Thursday (Marking Criteria) & Friday (Problem Based Learning). I found in her the type of passion that makes a lecturer great and memorable. I was lucky to be able to join her sessions at a time when I am feeling bored and caught in a rut. Teaching has become a monotone for me & my mind shuts down when I mark assessments (is this considered burnout?).

Well after attending her sessions I was reminded of why teaching is meaningful to me. That perhaps I may want to teach for just a little while more. I still detest marking but will just trudge along perhaps for another couple of months. I have to start taking charge of my life and not go with the flow too much. S can afford it as he had done his hard knocks before. In my case I would still have to go through perhaps a couple more years of hard knocks before I can cruise slightly comfortably.

Open Letter to My (Former) Lovers

Thankfully in my 41 years of life there are only 3 lovers ever.. one at a time.. and this will be a reasonably short entry:

Dear Mr Ex
I know things were not great between us when we were married & I know you scorned the very fact you were married to me (instead of anyone else on planet earth), yet we have been a part of each others' lives for 16 years. I had enjoyed our conversations, our moments together and had thought in all my innocence that we would last forever. Well despite our best intentions or makeshift plans, things didn't work out. My only regret is that we could have ended our marriage much3 earlier before we made more mess- we would have affected just one life, instead of 5.

Dear N
Thank you for being there and for listening. Pulling me through a difficult moment. Nobody else would have had the strength or the patience or perhaps also the skill, to pull off what you did. You gave me a glimpse of happiness, of how married life really could be like. Alas, you have your own families to attend to, people you love as much as (more likely much3 more than) me. I terribly sorry but I can't live my life in someone else's shadow & my competitive streak will get in the equation- the sacrifice is too great for me to bear. So I bid you goodbye. You will always be remembered fondly.

Dear S
Hand to heart, you do not fit the profile of guys I usually go for. Yet I have a soft spot in my heart for you. I love your patience, your kindness, your passion & never ending energy. Are we good for each other? I hope so. Do we make each other happy? I do think so. Do we want to live the rest of lives with each other? I don't know. With you there seems to be no permanent plans. I do love your free-spirited outlook, yet I don't see how I would fit into your life or into your schedule. As we more or less agreed, let's just go with the flow. I will let you know if one fine day I decide not to play along with "let it be". So take care & I Love You.

One Thousand Years

Heard a song on the way to Y's house.. about a guy who is besotted with a girl, and how he would be willing to spend a thousand years with her.

What would I do if I get to live with a person for a thousand years? Who would it be?

I'd probably want to live with Baba.. and Umi.. and my siblings.. and my children.. for as long as I could. So can we safely say that I may not have found "The One" to spend 1000 years with. Let's just move on.

Post Raya Blues

Returning to KL after every Hari Raya always will leave me feeling inadequate. We have always had live-in helpers and every time we return home she'll do the unpacking, wash the dirty clothes & proceed with cooking lunch. This time, being our second year without a live-in helper, I cooked (quite effortlessly I might add) while the bigger children helped with unpacking & the little ones took their bath and put on their clothes. Once the cooking was done, the my were all ready to eat & our things were sorted.

Finally we are in charge of our own household & we know what to do. We have embraced its nook and crannies and gotten used to its routines.

Let's move forward, shall we now?

"Jodoh"

Using Google translate the word is defined as "mate" in English. I would disagree because jodoh refers to someone who one is fated to marry & be with. The closest definition would probably be "soulmate" but not quite, because in some cases we (I) end up not marrying our (my) soulmate. Jodoh has nothing to do with love but more related to fate. It is who a person is meant to be in holy matrimony with.

Having said that, I am in a quandary.. Who is my jodoh? It doesn't matter much really, because this is not my work, but God's plan. Will let it be, and follow the flow with S. No use getting my hopes up too high and then having them dashed.

I do love him (but then love can be nurtured)... and on my side I still need to be a more patient person. Let's not do the screaming banshee approach when handling the children shall we?

So the game plan now is.. improve myself (a whole lot more) and leave the jodoh business to the Creator. May I be granted someone kind-hearted who can take me as I am. That's about right, I would say.