Things Said & Done

Based on someone's action the intention is determined. I did the unspeakable thing of prompting marriage yet again with S and the short answer after our long discussion is: he is not ready. So I told him I will leave him be and keep my distance.

He agreed & I may have broken his heart too. Well, what is the option: pretend as if nothing's amiss? I do hope he finds someone worthy of 'the proposal" because the bitter pill to swallow is: I'm not the one.

My suggestion is for us to remain friends. Not sure if that is possible. Perhaps it is. If not possible then I should take myself out of the picture. I give him up together with the other friends. Oh well, hopefully this is temporary. We'll both get over it.

I will sit this one out and ride the storm. He has made it easy somewhat to leave & let go. I do hope he finds his happiness. I do love him but I can't continue to love if the contract is to never settle down. I could be the perpetual girlfriend but would rather stay home & take care of my children. Because morally this doesn't stand. I won't be able to live with myself had we continued.

No regrets. Lesson Iearnt. No conditions should be imposed on a relationship unless both parties are willing. He is not (willing to take the step forward). So I'll be on my way my good sir!

(Nothing but the Whole) Truth

When a relationship has broken down, I would rather be told the truth. Mr Ex could have just told me "I don't love you anymore @ This is not working out. I have found someone new."

It will cut me but I guess it is for the best. He could have told me this is 2005. We could have ended it much sooner & not involve too many children in this debacle.

He had said that he still loved me. That he didn't want to hurt me. That his intention was to take her as the second wife. That I hadn't done anything wrong (to drive him away).

Bullshit on all counts. What this episode had told me is: I am a poor judge of character when it comes to romantic involvements. Too much giving in. Too selfless. And I had let him step all over me.

Accept it my dear. That you have made that choice that affects you until today. Embrace the whole package. It is meant to be the way it is meant to be. There are no coincidences in Allah's dominion.

Still hate his guts and will avoid him at every opportunity. Things have not worked out for a long time and I don't know when I will forgive him. Maybe never, because I need the memory to refrain myself from ever going back to him.

Let us find our place in this great universe. Men are useful to have around, but remember girl, you won't die without them either.

Be independent. Be gorgeous. Live your Life.

If He Had Loved Me...

He would have considered me his world
He would not contain my light
Instead he would make me shine brighter
And take pride in my victories

He would have treated me like I was his priority
Like he was proud to have me as his wife
Instead of suppressing my dreams
And ridiculing my efforts

He would have held me in good regard and silent respect
Like what I did mattered
Even if he had not understood my crazed passion
Because I was significant to him

He would be proud to be seen with me
To be together in my presence
Listening, involved and interested
Instead of dismissing me blatantly

He would care
and he would not hurt me
or mock my every being

He would protect me
and not throw me to the dogs
to look good in the eyes of another woman

He would, would he not?
He would, if he had loved me
But he had not.

We are Alright

At this point me & my girls have decided that we will be alright. Positive, Gorgeous & Hopeful of the future. We face loneliness & we seek companionship at times, but we have decided to be fine regardless of the outcome.

One friend is dating a married man, for which we have said our peace. She is fully aware of the potential consequences, since he is a reasonably high profile individual.

Another friend is dating a divorcee, and they are currently in a long-distance relationship. There is no particular urgency since my friend just ended her second marriage and would like some time by herself, before deciding if she wants to settle down.

Another friend is choosing to be alone, as she has not found anyone suitable yet. The person she has taken a liking to is not responding as eagerly as she had anticipated & she has taken a step back. She maintains friendship with a few male friends & have decided not to get romantically involved with any one of them.

As for me, I get moments when I question if S & me are in fact in a relationship. I am no longer holding on to much hope on this 'relationship' but I would like to be his friend if he is willing. Currently I am focused on updating my Company Law knowledge and seeking employment in private practice. Once/ When that is secured I will be super busy and will not be able to say for certain if I would be able to sustain a 'relationship'.

No matter what the outcome, we will be alright.
Because we decided to be.
No matter what happens we will have each other.
Because we promised we would be (there).
Come rain, hail, snow or tidal wave,
We will hang on.
And look forward to the day,
When the sun will shine again.
Bright, Bold, Strong and Beautiful.

The "Jerry Maguire" Moment

There is a scene in the movie where Jerry was all-inspired and had shouted "Who's with me???"

Currently feeling that I am somewhat really close to that moment. Although in my case the version will be very much watered down. Submit resignation with 2 months' notice, attend exit interview, say rosy things about the company and leave after clearing all my work.

Monologue

It is over and done with, why am I still pissed off angry?

He is moving on, renting a new place (and perhaps getting married).

I HAVE ALSO MOVED ON AND ACHIEVED A LOT, DAMN IT!

Why am I being like this? Why do I still hate the both of them?

Because he could have looked for a woman like her FROM THE VERY BLOODY BEGINNING and not waste 16 years of my freaking life! I would have made a decent living and charted my path the way I WANT IT, instead of shrinking just to make him feel better.

Why did I put up with his many misconduct and STILL be loyal? And he returned the favour by cheating on me time and time and time and time again, and by using & smearing my name. Finally he found someone to marry and went completely berserk. Nothing I did was right from that moment on. Heart-breaking and so damn demeaning. No man will be allowed to cross me like that ever again.

You kept justifying to me that it is God's will that things turned out like this- that you fell in love & you couldn't help it. BULL*******SHIT. There is a LOT of human will involved in your bleeding romance with her. You didn't have to treat me like shit, but you did. You didn't have to bed her, but you did. You didn't have to throw me under the bus and steamrolled over me, but you BOTH FREAKING DID. So it is a wonder why am I being so nice to you when I could have just cut you off and destroyed every piece of meaningless property that you owned.

Because I decided to be the bigger person. To swallow the pain and express it through my tears. Arguing with you is counter-productive & pointless, unless you suddenly grow some brains.

No matter how tacky she is, Katy Perry is great with 'break up & emerge stronger' songs. One of her recent ones is Rise:

I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive

NEVER DOUBT IT BABY.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE BEST OF ME YET!!!!!!

Unfinished Business

Early on in my career I had gone into teaching to allow Mr Ex's career to thrive. We were raising small children then & both of us were working late trying to meet deadlines and attending to clients. These progressed into fights and accusations that I do not commit enough to the family. At one point he blatantly pointed out that I had an affair with our principal partner (which was completely ridiculous & hurtful to say the least).

We should have let HIS career take a backseat & let mine thrive. I had SO wanted to be a corporate lawyer and now that I have gotten teaching out of my system, I would like to have a shot at that. There is the possibility that I may die of a heart-attack in the process (as most people will start doing corporate law in their 20's) but what the heck, right?

Consider this as me re-entering the workforce. My salary will be low(er) than the average guy since my 10 plus years of teaching will not matter in the legal fraternity. How do I do this? With bravado which I never had? To say that this venture is scary is an understatement.

The choices that I have made led me to this fork on the road:
Do I return to practice?
Do I join the industry as a legal adviser (or a learning & development consultant)?
Do I continue with my studies & pursue the academic path to the end?

At least now my options are a bit clearer & narrowed down. Whatever the outcome I choose, I will be brave and take a stand. Never back down. I'd like to think that I am more mature and shrewd now, so hopefully I'll be able to handle the Angelines of the world better.

By the way, she is  a banker who likes to scream her head off to me when I handled the loan documents. The bane of my existence when I was in practice. Now I see her as an insecure person who steps on others to make herself feel better. She is probably high up in her position right now & I will be completely happy for her, as she has the stomach for it.

So, back to me me me! Let's do this. Explore the options. Practice, Industry or Teach?

Love you LOTS & LOTS.

Circumstantial Evidence

Looking back there were evidence that he loved me once. That we had something worth working at, had the circumstances been different. Having 5 children together is sufficient indication that we were once in love and happy and had planned to stay together to raise a family

I promised myself that I will no longer question the Why When and Where-to-fores. He has made a choice and I was not that choice. Let's embrace that and be completely alright with it. Life has turned out much better than I had expected.

What's important now is to move forward, to thrive, to focus on MY life.

Whatever the remnants of hurt or pain will have to dissipate in time, and I have to let it.

News on the street is that Aisyah is going to marry soon; the groom's identity is withheld for now.

Promise me my dear girl that you will be alright if the groom turns out to be Mr Ex.

Let's decide to be alright, to be calm and claim every cent that he owes me.

"Me" Time

This weekend was chock a block with multiple activities. Yesterday while writing in my diary I fell asleep due to tiredness. Tonight I have to prepare for tomorrow's lecture & assignment. After that is done, I'll be able to sleep.

When do I have time for myself?

When I pray perhaps.

I speak to Allah & I am reassured that everything will be alright.
Maybe not now, not yet.. but soon.

Almost reaching 2.5 years from the date we divorced.
The other woman is about to be married soon.
I wonder to whom.

What if it's to Mr Ex?
If it is, then he should pay me all the arrears owed for the children's upkeep. If he can afford a bloody wedding he would be able to afford & set aside the expenses the children are entitled to. If her marriage is not to him,  then I guess I hope she finds her happiness.

Sacrifice

We are each dealt with different hands in life. Which shows that we need some character building from time to time. God gives us a kick in the backside when we slacken. There is no choice but to embrace our fate and move on.

However, this is probably easier said than done. Embracing and moving on will be great in certain situations, and a bit more challenging in certain others (say, when a divorcee has 5 children). For simplicity, I would probably choose to live my life as a single person & raise my children.

There is so much more to life than romantic relationships, isn't it? Marriage to Mr Ex was perhaps one of my most fantastic mistakes & I get to pay for it, probably for the rest of my life. I cannot impose my story on any other soul: I'll just move along with whatever plans I have, rightly or wrongly (do you see how much drama I have in my life?). I will know eventually if the plan was in fact a superbly wonderful or a completely terrible idea.

What is "love"?

These were the answers from my friends:
# Love is when I am number 1 in his books (considered a priority over his friends)
# Love is when my heart is filled with longing & I feel happy just being with the person
# Love is when I am showered with attention, hugs and kisses (and gifts)
# Love is like coming home to a safe harbour
# Love is digging your heels and braving the storm, because there is something worth fighting for
# Love is when he looks at me as if I'm magic, as if I am the best gift he has ever had in his life

Have I found love?
Or are we just really close friends?
Are we willing to take another step forward?
Is he strong enough to handle my complexities?
Am I strong enough to handle his complexities?
Are we good for each other?

What I know is: he is my calming presence. Without a doubt.
Someone who I can sit in silence with and be completely comfortable.

What will happen next?
Stay tuned (because I really have no idea).

Melancholia

Why am I so sad all the time?

Just because.
Just because sadness makes me happy.
Happy for the days long gone.
Happy for my closeness to reality.
Happy to be shaken to the core.

Well, not really happy happy.
But happy poignant.
Pensive.
Thoughtful.
Reflective.

Be still my beating heart.
Let go of things that needed letting go.
Keep the worthwhile things, people, memories.
Move forward with a spring in your steps & love in your heart.

He is not that into you

At any moment you feel like going back please oh please read this post.

STOP.

STOP BEING DELUSIONAL.

See this 'relationship' for what it is, not what you would like it to be.

If he is serious then he would want something more meaningful than 2000 dates (plus 20,000 more).

Love can be nurtured. You can love other people & there are people who will return that love in a proper way.

I can't be questioning 'do we have a relationship' every other month, can I?

If we are in a relationship then it should feel like it. If we are not then it would not.

Perhaps all this has been my imagination + wishful thinking + silliness. It is not love. It is perhaps just physical attraction. That's all there is to it.

Can we wake up tomorrow and have everything return to normal?
(whatever 'normal' may be).

Lonely Hearts

There comes a point when I have to move on and live my life. I am important when I am needed and when he has his friends or family around him, I am non-existent.

So what am I waiting for? More abuse? Why sell yourself cheap like this? You are worth much3 more. Find a better person.

Currently feeling so isolated. Not needed. Take a break my dear. Be still my heart. Find the love within, it is more meaningful and beautiful to embrace.

Welcome to my World

As a mother I do my best to be there for my children... to listen, and to love them. We have our time together as much as we can, frolicking and exploring local venues. They get to choose their outfits, some meal menu (occasionally we binge), their course of study, their study schedule and after 13, how they spend their money. Can't say I'm the best mother- would just consider myself as someone still working on it ('it' being motherly skills).

As a teacher, my students say that I explain things well & is reasonably understanding... although recently I noticed that I had become quite strict and at times irritable, could be an age thing. Hopefully I'm not menopausal yet (* shriek *). After nearly 13 years teaching, I would say I know my stuff & can manoeuvre my way in a classroom quite comfortably.

As a friend I'd like to think that I am positive and supportive... and easygoing (I hope). In my 41 (approaching 42) years of life I have not had major fights with anyone & I usually get along with most (if not all) people.

As a lawyer, well- I have not spent much time as one, I am considered quite soft and haven't learnt my chops yet. Overall I would probably say that I am a better teacher than I was a lawyer.

Life goes on and my learning continues. I will go where the road leads me and take responsibility for all my decisions. xoxox

Awareness

Our lives are far from settled, yet we vow to:
... keep going
... keep smiling
... be there for each other
... be strong in the face of adversity
... face our life issues head on

Thank you for being there my dearies.

I miss you & I love you all very very very much!!!

How Should Being in Love Feel Like?

Should it feel all tingly and breezy and refreshing?

Should it magnify all other emotions: anger, longing, frustration, happiness, fulfilment (and what-have-yous)

Would we feel like we want to shout it from the rooftops.. that I am in love!!!
and the loss of love may lead some others to jump off it.

Should love be all encompassing and ruthless (or hopeless)? I don't care already.

I do not have the answer ( I will keep looking).

Reprieve

Teaching in a private college with 5-6 student intakes in a year is no joke. Once a class ends & as I am marking their exam paper, I would have been given a new class to teach. At the same time I supervise final year students and must conduct internship visits. Feeling burnt out already & it is only August. Give me the strength to last the year please!

If only I have a wealthy benefactor who will pay for our upkeep for a month or two. I would like to rest and sleep properly, and clean the house, and go somewhere with my children. Alas, it is all wishful thinking- there is no wealthy benefactor whose terms I could agree with. Hence here I am doing the best that I can to manage everything.

Nothing to complain really- kids are healthy and house is reasonably clean. I have enough money for food despite Mr Ex not contributing anything. We may get kicked out of the house- that is a possibility if I do not make my EPF withdrawals soon, but other than that my life is just smashing.

True Love's Kiss

Dialogue from Maleficent

That boy's the answer : true love's kiss

No he is not : I cursed her that way because there is no such thing.

Had to let out a chuckle at this point. Despite me being a despondent hopeless romantic, I had to agree with Maleficent. Nobody really truly loves anybody except if the person is a child of his/ hers.. and some individuals are simply in love with themselves beyond help.

Where do I go from here? Being a skeptic would be good for starters. And I will follow my dreams, simple as they may be. I've survived this long without a husband, so what's another few years (or ever), yes?

Well the ending of Maleficent the movie is not in the prince's kiss. Maleficent is the true love actually. Disney has done an about turn now & the message is : there is no prince charming to the rescue.. and this has been the consistent message over the years, with movies like Brave, Tangled and Frozen. Apt, really, in this day and age.

Love Myself

Be brave be steadfast
Keep your head held high
You have not lost anything
But has gained the world in lessons

Love is perhaps for the pure hearted
For those willing to take risks
For the hearts that grow
Willing itself to be broken time & time again

Longing for the touch
The smile
The genuine care
The strong soul that can carry us both

It is perhaps not yet the time
The moment seemed meaningful
Yet fleeting
And transient

Love yourself my dear
You are beautiful and strong
The world is in your hands
Ready for the taking

No Hurry

Whatever the course of action I take right now will depend on what I want in life and its impact on my children. Whatever else is secondary. Whether we will marry or settle down is immaterial. If he loves me enough I suppose he will wait? Or he won't. The point that I want to make here (and the point that I think S is trying to tell me is).. live my life & do my thing. My choices cannot be dependent on him or my mother or my friends or anybody else.

Once I have decided I have to take responsibility on the outcome & rough it out, because that is part of the package. That's it really.