Disclosure

I am a divorcee.
I have 5 children.
The eldest is 19 while the youngest is 7.

I do not need to apologise or explain myself.
I am who I am.

No rescuing needed.
I am no damsel in distress.

No free advice either please.
God knows I have had enough with these too.

Be with me.
Love me for who I am.
Let's grow together & enrich our lives, moving forward.

We have a Problem

Currently undergoing a period of depression uncertainty regarding my profession & the future.

Well the job is very certain (yet I have become disenfranchised & disconnected to the faculty) and the future is as I want to to be (yet I feel sloth-like & unmotivated); so I do not understand where these feelings are coming from. Too much carbohydrates & sugar perhaps? Why do I feel like complaining all the time? What will light my fire? Why am I down in the dumps? Are there external factors that is causing 'this' (whatever 'this' is)? Well my friends are undergoing different issues themselves & are going strong (or so they/ we appear). Is this an internal self-love issue? What do I do? Do I take another holiday? If I move to another job will things be any better? Will I be better off or even any happier? Why am I feeling tired all the time?

Escapism is easy. Facing Life is not. I opt for the latter.

Well of Pain

Right now deriving strength from the experiences I have had in the past.

They have made me more sober, more careful in moving forward and terribly scared in going into a long term (marital) relationship.

However I am hopeful, because I have found myself a wonderful person.

We are still adjusting on the personality issues but nothing major (I hope!).

Right now just living in the moment and growing (and feeling ultimately blessed).

Positive self-talk, although in reality I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Valentine's Day

Today is the day to celebrate love... or so people say.

To me personally Valentine's Day is overrated and too highly commercialised, hence I do not celebrate it. It puts unnecessary pressure to buy something special for someone (on top of anniversary gifts, birthday gifts and whatever else).

However I get the privilege to see how others rejoice in the day of love.

Many decided to have a nice dinner somewhere. Some go out together or just walk hand in hand into the sunset. I was at the gym just now and leaving the mall I can see many facets of marital relationship, primarily in men who seem to almost scorn being with their family. Some seem reluctant, some are completely pleased to be with each other, some would probably would rather be somewhere else (or even perhaps with someone else, who knows?).

When I do marry, I would like my husband to enjoy being in my presence & of course, me in his. These things come naturally from the well of emotion that is derived from gratitude, and perhaps love. If at any point he scorns being with me, he is bloody free to leave anytime. If loving is too much work for him then I do not want to be on the receiving end either.

Perhaps I am just not ready for marriage. Perhaps I will never be. On that note however, I am also uninterested with an open ended casual relationship. Where does it stop?

With Mr Ex, I suspect that he regretted ever marrying me. Towards the end of our marriage there was a lot of bitterness & unresolved anger, so he resorted to start afresh with someone new. Apt & reasonably easy to handle, rather than being with an ogre like me.

Whoever it is that plans to marry me, if at any time I sense reluctance or choking, I'm out!

It is simple enough- choose self-love above anyone or anything else. I come first. Period.

Another Normal Day

Full Circle. This is where I am meant to be. At this moment.

Missing someone. Feeling Fulfilled. Doing my Thing. Loving each Second.

Embracing Imperfections. My Faults. My Sloppiness. My OCD Tendencies. My Everything.

Being Strong in my Loneliness. I am Me. No Apologies.

Seeking Perfection

On the radio this morning an ustaz was discussing the challenges in a marital relationship and the importance of being grateful (for our spouse). Ultimately, in treating each other well, we seek Allah's pleasure upon us. The ustaz mentioned something along the lines of.. who are we in our imperfections, to request (demand even) for a perfect spouse. Are we so great and free from fault that we deserve the best who has ever existed. So the key is sabr (patience) in the daily communications and dealings with our significant other, and seek Allah's forgiveness always for our transgressions.

Nourishing the Soul

Dinner with really close friends is simply the most fantastic affair. Last night we did just that. Met up at one friend's house, she cooked some simple meals & ordered one special dish. We brought desserts and one friend even prepared a mini game with prizes. The children played together- thankfully they were in similar age groups, while the mommies chatted away.

I hope to be able to do this when I am married. One of the topics we discussed around the proverbial fireplace was: How does one maintain one's identity once married? We had this issue in the previous marriage. Of giving too much of ourselves for our man & losing our identity in the process.

One of the solution was to discuss & be clear on the expectations before marriage. This I would have to do with S soon. Granted he is very accommodating & the most agreeable person on planet earth, so I am wary not to take advantage of that. On the same note, I have to remember and maintain my identity, that which he fell in love with.

It is a scary prospect: marriage. Are we ready (Will we ever be?). Will we be compatible (Well, we're not completely compatible, but we have agreed to look at our similarities rather than differences). Will I be able to accept all his habits (Will he be able to accept mine?). Will we be happy (I hope so!). After ALL that, will we stay together for the right reasons?

We left after a wonderful sharing session. We summarised the key takeaways: to be ourselves & find happiness even if we do not have a husband; to be gorgeous always in our own way; that a spouse should be our intellectual match; to seek the Grace of Allah in whatever we do.