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The debacle involving HRH Catherine Princess of Wales has taught me a few lessons:

- you can clean up your act, be a classy lady/ princess/ future queen and do good all your life and one event smears all those good deeds

- even a Princess makes mistakes and has her "down' days

- photoshop skills are useful skills to have

(Incidentally, Meghan Markle had said she was bullied by the British media. Kate was bullied more than Meghan ever was, refer to Exhibit 1 above, so in the tone of "Family Guy" I will say "shut up Meg!!!")

I hope she rises up and focuses on her recovery.

She is a wonderful person I'm sure.

I don't know her personally, but as an outsider I perceived her as a kind carefree beautiful soul.

She is also calm and collected, and she will be able to handle this.

Like all the challenges she has faced, she will rise above.

Trusted Party

He was a trusted party. 

As the society's secretary, he connected everybody. 

For events, he did the digital posters, event shirts, banners, medals, merchandise.

Pretty normal stuff.

He manages the order, pays the supplier, and then makes claims (for reimbursement) from the society.

SOP: submit claim to treasurer - once approved by treasurer + president, the money is released to him to pay the suppliers.

The trouble is, he marks up the suppliers' prices. 

In some cases, almost double the original price.

More than RM200,000 would have been paid to him over the years, since 2014.

If divided by 10 years that's about RM20,000/ year.

In some cases the suppliers were not even paid.

There are those who advanced payments to the supplier, and not reimbursed. For more than 5 years.

Despite multiple promises, the money has yet to be forthcoming.

The hardline is to conduct a disciplinary hearing, or a show-cause, but that would be a spectacle.

It is our culture not to let someone "lose face".

Our president probably should talk to him & encourage him to honourably resign.

RM20,000/ year may not seem too much to some people.

But to a society running on members' contribution to do its' activities, that seemed an awful lot.

Now we don't have much more in the bank.

We cannot afford to pay even RM5,000 for an upcoming event.

What have we become?

And What else is in store for us?

We are THROUGH!

Bella & Aliff

He is good looking and charming. Actor and Singer

She is cute, effervescent, and honest-to-god patient. Singer & small time Actor.

When Aliff was caught in close proximity with his current leading lady, Bella decided that it was the very last straw & filed for a fast-track divorce.

The co-star has made a statement that did not seem fully feasible (that she had invited family over and her elder sister was delayed in traffic).

Aliff just apologised and agreed to the divorce.

Bella is understandably furious, and devastated, and in tears. The feelings are complex, trust me.

My best wishes to all of them.

I try to not be too judgmental. Shit happens to the best of us. At times, with no rhyme or reason. Just because. And we all need to pick ourselves up, get ourselves dusted, and keep walking.

For Bella, one day you will be okay. Not today, but one day. Stay gorgeous.

Am I Losing My Mind (and if I do, will I know it when it happens?)

Doing the PhD has got me going back and forth multiple times.

And it is common. It is expected.

We have to re-look the work.

Analyse.

Criticize.

Think.

Go back to the drawing board.

Strategise.

Think MORE.

It is no wonder that the acronym PhD has been called permanent head damage.

I see it as a good thing, because I believe when it all ends you will not be the same person.

Well essentially the same person in my core, but maybe a bit better in thinking?

If I don't lose my mind.

Hence the focus is necessary.

I will keep at it and finish it.

Please help me maintain my sanity.

Because there are so many things to juggle.

And frustrations to handle.

And WORK, of course WORK!

Where I work people just get sick of work.

Because it never stops.

What oh what shall I do?

I WILL KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON!

And one day I shall be done.

Stories I Needed to Tell

My husband, he is a wonderful kind person. That's the truth.

He is super reliable if you needed help. For anything. That's also the truth.

He is patient and easygoing. Traveling with him is so much fun. Again, truth and 5 stars.

He is generous. Ask and you shall receive (within means).

(But then, I am not really the asking kind & I almost never ask him for anything except on very rare occasions. Even then I never ask for anything bizarre or outlandish. A laptop bag. A telekung. Fried kuetiaw. Haha. For context)

However, he also has trouble announcing our relationship to the world.

(By "world" I meant social media, FB particularly not even IG, X or Tiktok)

Not even one entry mentions the bad word "wife" in any of his posts.

He walks away from family photos.

He doesn't want to spend Raya in my mom's house 

(perhaps ever, because he says he needs to honour his mom when she's alive hence every Raya will be spent with his mum & not mine)

Red flags much???

Over the years I have tried to understand the situation.

Perhaps because he gives me a lot of leeways too.

Such as I could spend weekday nights in my own house with the children.

(that's the other thing, he cannot be persuaded to sleep even 1 night at my house; on account that my children need their space; for context my children are aged between 14 to 26)

Am I overthinking this? 

Perhaps

Am I being a prick about him being a 'perpetual bachelor'?

Perhaps too

Should I announce our marriage to the world (i.e. FB)?

I don't know

Would it not be weird if I was the one who announced it and not him?

Maybe I am overthinking?

He says it's a small matter.

Miniscule.

Why am I making a big deal out of it?

AM I?

I get tired of this.

Feels like I'm being gaslighted.

I am planning to go for therapy.

And I have also signed up for a writing course.

Need to channel all these into a novel.

Before I really lose my mind.

GASLIGHTING definition (because it's a Gen Z lingo): “It's making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they're seeing or experiencing isn't real, that they're making it up, that no one else will believe them.” Gaslighting involves an imbalance of power between the abuser and the person they're gaslighting.20 Feb 2024

Source: Forbes Health "What is Gaslighting?"

A Ray of Hope

Yesterday we went to the beach, because I told him I felt like it and he took me.

We drove and drove, and went to Pulau Carey. 

Saw the lacklustre beach/ bay and turned back to head towards Morib.

We bought coconut shake and grilled dried squid, and had our snacks by the beach.

I wanted to have fried kuetiaw and he obliged (of course, because he is my sweetheart!)

Children were playing kites around us, big and small.

The day was very windy and it lifted away my concerns.

I had been there before, when things were less well.

Now I am here again, on firmer ground.

Perhaps I had judged him too harshly, or my past experience has turned me into an irrational person.

Over the weekend we sat down and did our SWOT analysis: personal & as a couple.

It went pretty well.

He is someone mature who can reason and banter with me, as the situation warrants.

I hope we will be better persons, from this relationship.

We have concluded our 5-year anniversary.

Despite all my jealous rage and shenanigans, he remained a rock solid companion.

Here's to another 5 years, and beyond!

Downward Spiral

We did a SWOT analysis over the weekend.

It was interesting. I hope we will be able to see it through.

The living arrangements have been reviewed. I will stay with the children on weekdays & with him on weekends. Effectively I will become a weekend wife.

What will happen next? I probably should start going for counseling again. My mind is still rattled. The nagging feeling is not really going away no matter how much I'm trying to rationalise this whole matter.

Let's be a bit more powerful and certain, shall we?

There is no way I can control his activities and behaviours once he leaves the house, or whenever I'm not with. Neither would I want to. I have ENOUGH things to do. 

Getting older is a natural progression and I will embrace it fully. If he seeks a younger person, so be it. I am who I am. I will deal with the events as they unfold.

On my part I will keep on improving myself. Be a better me in every possible way.

Hardships will happen, in one way or the other. I promise to take them in stride, and keep walking purposefully. I AM WORTH IT 💖😎

You Look Terrible

You think?

So do you brother, so do you.

Had fun much?

At what point does it become not okay?

Is it infidelity if he did not fall in love with her? If it is merely physical with no emotions involved?

Is it so wrong to have some entertainment | excitement | eye candy (female caddies) while playing your favourite sport (golf)?

No wonder he had proposed that the wives come along on the trip. 

Transport & driver will be provided.

We shop & have our excursions while they play golf.

They CANNOT be persuaded to shop with us, 

they do not want to be in the way,

so that we can buy to our hearts' content.

Now I know the real reason... 

it is because there are no female caddies wearing tight white pants at Mangga Dua!!!

Is it wrong to seek some spice in your life because your wife is so damn boring?

If your wife does not prefer going out and accompanying you for leisurely activities, is it wrong to go with someone else more willing and more delectable-looking?

Isn't it okay to just look and enjoy beautiful things and people?

You respect them all, and they were merely providing a service.

Adding value, creating customer delight, enhancing the golfing experience?

I have my own views on the above.

Firstly, the "dirty old man" persona is NOT a good look.

Secondly, women are not objects to touch and be manipulated.

He has nieces and sisters. How would he feel if they choose that profession?

Thirdly, no matter how terrible your spouse is, she is your wife

who you have bloody promised to care and protect!

That's me summarising.

Believe me you don't want the full version.

After days of ranting, I am STILL not done.

I really don't know what to say to him later.

I might just cut through the chase & say

Would you please sign the divorce papers before I submit them?

I don't dabble in probabilities: Did he? Would he? Again? Ever? Maybe/ Maybe not?

I do prefer certainty.

Stepping forward, he may not be needed in my life anymore.

Come to think of it: neither will I in his life.

And it doesn't matter either way.

We live and we learn,

and hopefully become better people 💖💔

Wishing myself ALL THE BEST 

in the quest to make my heart whole again.

Sakit | Pain

If only heartbreak doesn't hurt, then maybe more people will fall in love more recklessly.

"I walked under a bus, got hit by a train,

Keep falling in love, which is kind of the same,

I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane
And I felt so good
I wanna do it again"

From the song "Buses and Trains" by Bachelor Girl

Even when it hurts so bad we keep doing it with abandon.

Maybe my one true love is no longer in this realm.

Maybe I am meant to be alone.

Maybe I am supposed to take care of all the children properly before considering love again.

Maybe this is my life, enriched with everything else except a male companion.

Actually I really do not need one.

Why bother?

What hurts the most is thinking about him with another person,

Who am I to him? Just someone convenient to have around,

To wash his clothes & prepare his food?

A companion to when he's watching a movie or TV show?

I acknowledge that there must have been love before, at some point.

He may argue that he still loves me, he probably does.

The issue here is I do not believe him anymore.

It is better for me not to care at all,

than caring a lot and getting horrendously disappointed.

We can still be friends, he is always kind to all his friends.

Male or female alike.

Even if we've never married he would help if I had asked for help.

He is that sort of guy: the one wo fixes things. 

I get it, totally.

Maybe that is another reason.

In the bigger scheme of things:

It does NOT matter whether I am with him or not.

He will be him, always.

As he should.

Never change for anyone, he had said.

And I agree fully.

Remain the same please.

I will walk away.

I do not have to be here anymore.

His life is not enriched by me on his side,

or lessened  in any way by me not being there.

That is who I am, just a person who showed up & made him marry me.

But eventually became boring and uninteresting.

He can easily find 100 more interesting and younger girls than me.

Why bother controlling or asking or inquiring.

Queen control much???

Maybe my son is right: loyalty is dead

Well not for everyone. 

He (my son) was loyal,

So was I.

And so is 1 billion other people out there 

We just ended up with the disloyal ones.

Tough.

This is where my journey ends,

with male companions and husbands.

They are quite overrated.

I will be by myself and the children.

And we will enrich each others' lives in multiple ways.

Yes we will!

Cheers to a great adventure ahead 💖